Tuesday ~ Sunshine and Hope

Good morning! I slept well last night thank God.  The night before was a bit more tocky but I slept then too.  

Today is a new day and the next step in my healing! I go to the new PT place. We got it all set up.  I'm definitely healing. I'm only wearing my Ace bandage now as my orthopedic doctor said I could. She suggested it not me.  

My husband is supportive as always.  I'm trying to do more foot bath at night for swelling and for when my foot hurts or is experiencing discomfort which I would say is different than just hurting.  

About the book ~ what my bones know by Stephanie Foo 

I really did skim a lot of it and I read some chapters in full.  I got a good sense of the book.  

What hurt my heart wasn't as much her description her childhood with a mother who was incredibly abusive / controlling in a father who ignored it.  Of course that's awful and horrifying.  

It was her own life. As she tried to make sense of things and realized that she was just replicating her parents and what they did. It was how lost she was. It was how she was outwardly successful but her life was in shambles.  It was how she tried to avoid the pain but I workaholism and drinking whiskey.  It was that she went from various parties with friends and never got beyond the surface of things.  It was how deeply hurt and broke and she was. That's what hurt my heart.

And I think it was the absence of God. And that as a child, her experience of a Protestant church was linked to her mother and not at all to God or God's light and God's love.  Of course God's light is part of God's love.  

So what my heart was most hurt by was how hurt she was and that she had to learn how to be a human being. She says so herself. 

Also, it just hurts to see her deep inward pain and fear. 

Some of this I could relate to but a lot of it I couldn't which I think God that I wasn't given such a cross as a child. 

I don't know how God sees all of this. When a child is born into such a broken situation and is broken by it.  

All I know is God is full of Mercy. And I believe that God weeps over the Lost.  

That's something I really like about Saint Silouan, he wept over those in private who he oversaw in the mill. And he wept for those in hell. And I have to believe that his tears had true impact and still do. 

Nowhere in Stephanie Foo's book is there evidence that she learned that God loves her right now. That God can be ultimately her source of healing. That God sees our brokenness and yet loves us completely. That with God we can bear the hell of our lives and not despair. I can't but think that she could gain even more healing if she truly knew the Lord.  That the Lord went to hell for us. Literally. That Christ suffered deeply as our Holy Bridegroom and He was abused, belittled, taunted, and killed.  

But that unlike all who have experienced any of that, especially those who experienced this as a child, Christ knew and accepted this because He wants to save us. That he went to his death so he could destroy death. That Christ went to hell so he could pull us out. The Orthodox Church teaches that Christ tricked the devil when He went to hell and then broke the gates of hell and people go free from hell like Adam and Eve. 

The two icons above are of Christ, the Bridegroom and of Christ's Resurrection where He's pulling Adam and Eve out of hell. 

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I am still healing myself of course. And my own relationship with God is my own and I still need to grow. However, I know that God is my Father. My perfect loving patient Father who doesn't hurt me. Not that my biological father hurt me as a child. I am very blessed. I had stable parents. Christian parents who love. I know I'm incredibly blessed. 

It's hard to really grasp and believe that God loves us.  Even when we make mistakes and hurt others and are stupid. That's why I love the church and going to confession. I can literally go to confession and tell the Lord how broken I am and be forgiven.  

Well it's time to get going.  Years ago the priest who retired from our church put in the bulletin. It's a good day to for a good day.  

I love that quote so much that I laminated it! And today is a good day for a good day. 

May God have mercy on us.