Friday Rest and Thankfulness

Today is a rest day for me.  

Last night I was able to go to church and hear the story of St Mary of Egypt being read, by many voices, including a godson of a few years and a future godson to be baptized soon. 

Reading the Healing Autistic Burnout is helping me understand so much.  Including what happened to me when I was put on a horrible high dose of prednisone, which made me severely mentally ill and nearly (literally speaking) killed me. 

My body and mind, my whole being, was suffering deeply during those two months.  I remember that I could barely get off the couch for most of Great Lent 2023.

The good news is that I can heal.  

The difficult news is realizing how sick I still am.  I started coughing again today.  My ankle is hurting.  I am sleeping better but I think I am going to need less caffeine 😥 and more decaf tea for a while.  I am still going to allow myself a little because I love it so much and I have to do things in a way that actually works for me personally.

I can't make chocolate chip cookies for my Pascha basket so I am going to buy some premade ones. 

I learned a lot about adapting to your actual circumstances from my Grandma Ruth.  A few years ago she could no longer lift the metal bowl she used for baking. So she switched to a plastic bowl. There came a time when she could no longer do her Christmas baking for all of us 13 grandkids. For Christmas for decades, once we got older and kid, toys etc. Weren't an option she would bake for us.  I think she did this after my Grandpa John died. He died in 2006. So 20 years ago this fall.  A few years ago she realized that it was her last time to do all that baking. It had become too much for her.  It would take her months to do. She would bake enough bars for 13 tins for Christmas. Plus she would give goodies to others.  My Grandma and I used to talk every week about what we baked that week.  

So I can't go to the Liturgy tonight. But I was able to go yesterday. And that service is just once a year.  So I'm very grateful for that. It was really special. 

I'm listening to a song that God gave me a couple years ago.  In 2024. I can't remember if I posted this one or not. 

It's very gentle and I love the title "the child comes home" it's full of tenderness and trust in God are Father.  That's how it feels to me anyway.  It's very much about a childhood and an experience of being a child that is safe and healing. 

I've been listening to it on repeat.  The book I'm reading, that I've been talking about since I got it yesterday, is explaining things to me that I never knew. 

Listening to music on repeat can be a form of stimming.  That's something that one does to calm the nervous system.  It's very much a neurodivergent trait. They'll really that can be a trait for everyone!!!!  But it was helpful to have it articulated how this can help regulate the nervous system.  How it can calm you down.  I mean I knew that, but it's helpful to read it.  To have affirmations about what are different ways that self-care can look like.  And that being yourself is okay. 

That's something the author said in the book. She could either continue to mask and hide her neurodivergencey or she could be open about it and not be exhausted by all the hiding and she chose the latter. But in so doing she also found a deeper purpose and unexpected career path for herself.  And that's in actually teaching others about what it can be like and how to really be neurodivergent and be well.  

I've often heard at least for women that by the time they turn 50 a lot of them have figured out more of who they are and are learning to just accept themselves as they are. To not be ashamed.  Well I will be 50 in December.  And I'm not going to be ashamed that God made me the way God chose to make me. I'm fearfully and wonderfully made just like anyone else.  The scriptures apply to all of us.  Not to the select few who aren't neurodivergent which I actually think are a select few. 😳🤣🤣🤣🤣🤔🙃 

In other words, it's okay to be yourself.  And my writing project which I talk about a lot but not directly because that would stress me out, my writing project is something just for me.  It's God's Goodwill for me personally.  And I could never write what I'm actually creating if I wasn't neurodivergent.  

I'm not going to explain that further now because I'm way too tired.  And I would get more tired just thinking about it 🤣🤔🙃

But in these things I am grateful. 

May God have mercy on us.