Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

I've been thinking for a long while about my 

dream of writing short essays, meaningful

nonfiction that can connect, comfort and give people the 

pause we all need, for thought and reflection.

***

Suddenly, an opportunity came to me, that

was unexpected but welcomed!

***

When I read and responded to this article,

of the thoughtful essayist who is searching

for his way and path of conversion,

one of the founders of the web-platform,
that this man wrote on,

asked if I would write for them.

So I said I would be honoured to,

and now, I am!

***

You can find me here, at Conciliar Post,

DV every 2 weeks. 

I also have created a new blog, dedicated to the essays

that I am writing for publication.  

You can see this blog, here!

***

A lot of my essays will be familiar to my dear

blog readers!  The first one I am writing, 

just published today,

is one that I first wrote on a year ago.

***
We write best when we write our own story; and so it is with this
understanding that I begin!
***

My first essay for Conciliar Post is on the topic of anxiety,

really a meditation on anxiety and what I learned about it over the years.

***

Perhaps I will write another essay on it someday,

it really all started in 1998, when one day I was in my dorm room,

and it is like I suddenly woke up, 

though I was standing at the time,

and I realized that my entire self was riddled through with worry.

***

It would be some years before I would even begin to untangle all the causes,

 reasons or even see that this anxiety could be fought and healed.

I am still in that process but I know now what it is a war to be waged,

it is something to be fought.
***
And so, my first writing is on this journey... 

***

My first essay begins...

"When I still lived in Ottawa, I went through a time when I was unemployed, spent my carefully tended savings to survive and then ran out of money completely.   For a few months I did not know how I was going to pay rent or buy food.  Scary.  Twice in my life I went through testing to see if I had cancer; each time, no cancer.  Everyday now it seems that apocalyptic fearful things happen; the news tells us only of some.  Anxiety has weighed me down deep in it’s ocean, submerging me under in its waves.  It was there I learned you need to fight and deal with fear and anxiety while you are in the midst of it.

When overwhelmed, I pray small quick prayers: when I am afraid, I trust in Thee; I repeat this prayer many times.  I can breathe again.  I do small prayers, cross myself, say the Jesus Prayer(Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me), these all help.  I am learning to tune out a lot of news and worry. That you can choose to have a peaceful day or an anxious day. It's all where and what you focus on and put your energy towards….With Christ one can develop a well of interior peace, an inward fortress.  I am not there yet.  But Mother Gavrilia shows that the way towards this peace is to accept everything in my life, to live in my ‘today’ with God and trust that God’s will is unfolding, even if my life and well being are in peril.

I started learning this in Ottawa when I was unemployed;...". read the rest here (or here)!

Perspective, Choices and What a picture from 1904 taught me

I have been thinking a lot on how to best be

where I am now, on the small and large scale,

as in my personal life and the larger world that I live in.

*

We all know that there are troubling things daily

in our world.

*

Here is what I am learning on how to 

not have the worries destroy

our peace and our daily lives.

*

I know I will be on this journey the rest of my life,

and that it is by no means a final understanding on 

this but that too is part of what I am learning.

*

We are all living as along as God gives us.

What we have now is the present moment.

The past is gone, the future we do not know.

*

I have struggled with anxiety on various levels

and it is one of my weaknesses.

*

Lately I am learning to do little prayers when I feel overwhelmed,

such as this one from the Psalms:

when I am afraid, I trust in Thee.

and repeat this verse many times

inwardly.

*

Doing small prayers,

crossing myself, saying the Jesus Prayer,

these are all helps.

*

I am learning to tune out a lot of news and worry.

I am learning that you can choose to have a peaceful day

or an anxious day.

It's all where and what you focus on and put your energy towards.

I am learning that if I start worrying and keep dwelling on the worry,

I am putting all of my energy there and it will build.

*

I have this picture in our library/chapel/guestroom that

a dear friend gave us:

It is of Tsar Nicholas, his family and St. Elizabeth as well,,

on Pascha night 1904.

It's so beautiful. 

Above this picture is a handpainted icon of

St. Tsar Nicholas, who is one of the Royal Martyrs

whose feast day is this week.

I learned something looking at this picture recently:

In 1904 they were all celebrating Pascha in their

most beautiful and stately clothes.

They did not know the future,

that soon a war (with Japan) would be going on,

or that they would be martyred in less than 20 years.

*

We don't know what our future is.

But we can choose to have Pascha today.

We can choose to live in the present, whatever that is.

*

We can focus on what we don't have or,

if one has kids, what is bugging oneself about that

current situation in life, 

and of course there are many struggles and challenges

but I am learning that I can choose to be happy or unhappy.

*

For instance, for me I am still working on building community 

and a life.  I am also learning a lot about letting go

and sometimes it is very tiring.

Yet! : I can focus on 

what I still feel I lost leaving Ottawa

or I can look at all I have gained and how

much better it is for me now and how I KNOW that

moving to New Jersey was the BEST thing I could of done

for my new life with Mr. Husband

and apprecaite the new life I have.

*

I can read scary stuff online, thereby paralyzing myself with

fear and being unable to pray, provide a peaceful haven or function...

or I can go read a happy book, work on being at peace

and pray to God....  

*

It's not that I am staying ignormant of troubling things.

But it is that I am deciding that today

I can just appreciate the day I have.

That Cleo is next to me as a type, that I have more

provisions than my daily bread, that I can pray to God

for help for myself and the world.

That I can choose to take care of myself, my home

and my husband and seek to create beauty

and a peaceful place for us to live

in a world that is troubled.

*

And there are things we can do to try

to best survive when we are in a 

difficult place in life.

I really appreciated these words by Joy

about how she is learning to replenish herself

admist many trials in her current life. 

*

Ultimately, 

I am learning that I can choose what this day will be.

I can have self-pity, discontentment or anxiety

or I can practice thankfulness, prayer and striving to be at peace....

I can be with God today and with Him and by His mercy,

I can have peace.

Turning my eyes toward Christ

Read this tonight and was not only

reminded of the truth but

comforted.

"Have you ever thought how infectious fear can be?

It spreads from one person to another

more quickly and certainly

than any of the fevers we know so well.

You can refuse the spirit of fear,

which never comes to us from God.

(And if He does not send it to us, who does?).

Instead, open your heart wide to the

spirit of "power and love and a calm

and well-balanced mind and

discipline and self-control

(2 Timothy 1:7 Amplified).

Because fear is so infectious, let us, for the sake

of others and ourselves,

refuse it.....

When we are downhearted or fearful or weak, we are saying to

everybody

(by the way we look and by our timidity, if not by our words),

"After all, the Lord can't be absolutely trusted."

We have a Saviour who has never once failed us.

He never will fail us.

He has loved and led and guarded us all these years."

-Amy Carmichael

You are my hiding place

*

Lord have mercy.

Boy do I need lent.

Fall and get up, fall and get up...

*

I can be doing okay with the anxiety

or well,

kind of okay and then

wham! head cold and uncertainty

and well,

I needed the reminder

again.

*

Lord help us

and forgive us.