Yesterday NYC; Today Baking Cookies

Yesterday I went to NYC.

I had lunch with Mr Husband and then

went to Columbus Circle Christmas Market and saw

one of the White Sisters of St Elizabeth Convent 

and bought some special things for gifts.

***

Today I was home and so glad to be home.

I managed to order some special Delft things for our home,

texted some dear friends, including my sister-friend,

and made 2 double batches of vegan cranberry chocolate chip cookies.

I read Tolkien at night to Mr Husband.

We are in 1938 and loving it.

***

My Mom was given a lot of +Aunt Karen's things to go through and 

she picked some things out for me...

it's really hitting home for me, how my Aunt will not be at Christmas this year.

How I can hear her voice still, remember how she looked, moved, her laugh,

but I can't see her again alive, talk to her in person.

I miss her.  I will be glad to have a few treasured things to keep her memory close

but oh, how such things never come close to the actual person.

It's such a mystery, death; how one moment they are here, the next, gone.

How is it? 

***

My Husband and I had been struggling with the unbloggable that only seems

to be worse but we had a really good talk about it and are happier after our talk,

even though the situation remains unchanged.

***

My Grandma has knee replacement surgery Dec 18th.

She is in her upper 80s now in age.

I am a bit worried about her surgery

and am trying to pray about it more.

When I think of her and how just this week she told me again

how she talks to the Lord, really talks to Him about her concerns,

for others and their needs,

and how she said of one person she knows who is really struggling,

that she wants to pray for that person more than once a day

and really remember them, to pray for them.

***

I feel perhaps the one thing that gives me hope,

that Fr Schmemann wrote of in his journals:

'the only thing one should feel sad about is not being a Saint'

(to paraphrase slightly).

I look at myself and my life and see only poverty now, about myself.

***

But my Grandma, how special she is.

Her advice to me those years ago about when I asked

what to do if I lose my Husband,

so beautiful, profound.

I see now that it has implications for what to do 

in all loss, even, God forbid, one day losing her.

***

My Grandma has already baked the Christmas bars and breads she makes,

she can't lift as much now she she has switched to plastic bowls when 

using a hand mixer. She just adapts and most people don't even

know that she has done so.

***

I am thinking of her a lot lately.

Using the silver-plate silverware she gave me,

her dishes.

***

I told her this week how I found bowls to go with the set

that she had given me, that she used for decades.

She was real pleased and surprised.

Tickled I think the word would be. 

I am wanting those dishes even more,

but I think because I am thinking of my Grandma so much.

***

When I am thinking of my Grandma's faith, 

and of such things, these verses have been coming to mind,

in a prayer that I desire, surfacing as it were,

a glimpse of what I really want....:

"10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.

11 Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.

12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit."

Psalm 51: 10-12 KJV

Bright Sadness: My Aunt Karen's Funeral

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My Aunt Karen's funeral was beautiful and I cried (quietly) a few times.

The sermon from the pastor was very well done, heartfelt and full of 

the Gospel and also comfort while facing deep trials and struggles.

***

I was able to do some prayers for my +Aunt by her casket this morning

and read Psalm 23 one last time (of me seeing her body) ... of course I will keep

praying Psalms for my +Aunt.... I nearly bawled after doing that but

held my wooden prayer rope tight as I did not want to break down in 

weeping and call attention to myself. 

***

I am so glad it is Bright Week, even though while being home

I am not with my beloved Husband.

I hope to visit with more family this week and that is a blessing.

Pascha and Bright Monday in MI

Pascha was good, beautiful.

I held onto my wooden beads when I would

feel a bit weepy about my +Aunt Karen;

overall it was a very joyful service for me with 

many beautiful moments.

My flight home today was smooth and quick.

I went to my +Aunt Karen's visitation tonight.

A big loss, unquestionably.

One of my father's cousins is familiar with Russia

and Orthodoxy and I was able to explain what a 

Bright Week funeral would have been like and that was 

nice and very unexpected to be understood,

as my family is respectful of Orthodoxy but do not know 

a lot about it (not something we discuss at length).

 Anyway, that was nice for me.... and not surprisingly,

my family and extended family and my Aunt Karen's side of the family

(she is married to my Dad's brother) is so warm and welcoming as well.

It will be hard to say goodbye

but am grateful it is bright week.

I am grateful that my family loves Christ so much.... that they know that

we grieve with HOPE.

I am going to wear my red jacket and my white skirt,

just like I wore on Pascha....

Holy Thursday, Holy Friday, Holy Saturday

Holy Thursday 12 Gospels.

A lot of tears for my +Aunt Karen that service.

I got this on Holy Thursday, the day my +Aunt Karen died, from our church kiosk, a beautiful wooden prayer rope. I am not a "superstar prayer" but I found this prayer rope comforting to hold in my hand and squeeze, as if I was holding my Husband's hand.

 It's going to be hard for me not to have him with me at my Aunt Karen's funeral, 

but he honestly can't go because of being neck-deep at work. 

But I will travel DV on Monday with this prayer rope nearby.

The prayer rope is from the Sisters at the St Elizabeth Convent in Minsk Belarus and it is nice

to have something from them so nearby to myself.

Procession and entry into the the tomb.

Holy Saturday and the Feast of the Annunciation.

It was a blessing to hear the Gospel for the Theotokos/Virgin Mary and St Elizabeth

Mother of St John the Baptist; this Saint Elizabeth is my patron name Saint. 

St Elizabeth the New Martyr; her name's Saint is

St Elizabeth the Mother of St John the Baptist.

Holy Saturday Bread after the longest liturgy of the year.

Some treats for church kids. This is a hard Pascha for me. I am excited for Pascha, grieving my +Aunt Karen, grieving that I will miss pretty much all of Bright week with my Husband, glad to have family to grieve, love and visit, and other "unbloggable" things that are weighing heavy on my heart. Yet so glad that our Lord loves us so much that He came down to be with us, die for us and in His Resurrection give us eternal life to live forever with Him and in His love.

Almost forgot the whiskey that we got for Christmas! 

Now our basket is complete, with 2 bags of cookies added at the end.

***

I have a basket for the Munchkin and his Mom,

a basket of cookies to give out

and another basket with treats and our second kulich

as well as our main Pascha basket. 

This has been one of the songs I have listened to a lot this week,

since my Aunt Karen died.

It fit the mood.

I will be so glad to hear, DV tonight, the songs of Pascha

and to sing to my +Aunt Karen that Christ is Risen...

a reality she is already in...

My Aunt Karen: Memory Eternal!

My Aunt Karen died this morning, peacefully.

We are bereft of her presence with us

but not bereft of hope.