Yesterday I went to NYC.
I had lunch with Mr Husband and then
went to Columbus Circle Christmas Market and saw
one of the White Sisters of St Elizabeth Convent
and bought some special things for gifts.
***
Today I was home and so glad to be home.
I managed to order some special Delft things for our home,
texted some dear friends, including my sister-friend,
and made 2 double batches of vegan cranberry chocolate chip cookies.
I read Tolkien at night to Mr Husband.
We are in 1938 and loving it.
***
My Mom was given a lot of +Aunt Karen's things to go through and
she picked some things out for me...
it's really hitting home for me, how my Aunt will not be at Christmas this year.
How I can hear her voice still, remember how she looked, moved, her laugh,
but I can't see her again alive, talk to her in person.
I miss her. I will be glad to have a few treasured things to keep her memory close
but oh, how such things never come close to the actual person.
It's such a mystery, death; how one moment they are here, the next, gone.
How is it?
***
My Husband and I had been struggling with the unbloggable that only seems
to be worse but we had a really good talk about it and are happier after our talk,
even though the situation remains unchanged.
***
My Grandma has knee replacement surgery Dec 18th.
She is in her upper 80s now in age.
I am a bit worried about her surgery
and am trying to pray about it more.
When I think of her and how just this week she told me again
how she talks to the Lord, really talks to Him about her concerns,
for others and their needs,
and how she said of one person she knows who is really struggling,
that she wants to pray for that person more than once a day
and really remember them, to pray for them.
***
I feel perhaps the one thing that gives me hope,
that Fr Schmemann wrote of in his journals:
'the only thing one should feel sad about is not being a Saint'
(to paraphrase slightly).
I look at myself and my life and see only poverty now, about myself.
***
But my Grandma, how special she is.
I see now that it has implications for what to do
in all loss, even, God forbid, one day losing her.
***
My Grandma has already baked the Christmas bars and breads she makes,
she can't lift as much now she she has switched to plastic bowls when
using a hand mixer. She just adapts and most people don't even
know that she has done so.
***
I am thinking of her a lot lately.
Using the silver-plate silverware she gave me,
her dishes.
***
I told her this week how I found bowls to go with the set
that she had given me, that she used for decades.
She was real pleased and surprised.
Tickled I think the word would be.
I am wanting those dishes even more,
but I think because I am thinking of my Grandma so much.
***
When I am thinking of my Grandma's faith,
and of such things, these verses have been coming to mind,
in a prayer that I desire, surfacing as it were,
a glimpse of what I really want....:
"10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit."
