Once Again, I Can't Sleep...

 

I may have slept but if I did, I woke again. 

So.  Here I am. It's 12:30 AM EST here.  I am not overly worried about sleep right now because I know I still have a chance at it and overall have been sleeping better again. 

So yesterday (Tuesday) my Husband was back at work again (as in office, in NYC).  He goes in sometimes now, the virus situation here is stable at the moment.  And I do mean at the moment, I have no idea when and if it will surge again.  This is profoundly a time when all we can do is 'constantly pivot' as things are in a great deal of flux. 

I feel like I am learning to do that in life.  I feel in ways that I am growing up a lot.  I mean, I know I am an adult, I am 45 years old now.  But I have had to do a lot of growing, learning, as we all hope we are doing.  Some of the work in this way has taken me decades.  

Like I used to not know what to do with sadness. Or anxiety. And I will always struggle with both.  I am wired that way. 

BUT.  I am not as afraid of it.  And anxiety is harder for me to deal with than sadness.  Here's the thing:

Learning to deal with hard emotions is a lot of work. For me, I have realized some simple but deep truths:

*don't ignore or avoid the feeling of sadness or worry.  Instead FEEL it. Acknowlege it.  BUT. Don't Get Stuck In It.* 

So.  Yeah. My writing project helps me not get stuck.  I am reading, slowly, a book of short stories by Dorothy Sayers so I don't get stuck in it.  

Another way to say it is:

*Change the Channel.*

If I start shutting down because of huge anxiety then it's time to PIVOT. It's time to do something else.  Then the name of the game is DISTRACT myself about what I am worried about so that I don't get stuck there and instead can move on to something else and REBALANCE. 

It's not about denial of worry.  It's what I have learned to do WITH IT. 

And if I stuff it down and ignore it, and don't look at it at all, then I will merely have it blow up later (often the same day) and will be shut down by it.

Feel it. Acknowlege it. Don't Get Stuck In it.

I mean if I was Saintly I would just be so aware of God's presence and peace while living in my life with all it's disperate struggles.  Since I am not, the above is how I have learned to deal with it.

And yes, prayer should be part of it. But seriously if I am getting stuck I will do anything (that still is God honouring) to get past it.  Reading a little bit of Agatha Christie to do so is fully OK. 

Anxiety used to shut me out and shut me down.  

Learning to cope with one's own self is a huge process.  And I will be learning as long as I live as I know that, for instance, anxiety, is a huge struggle for me personally. 

Yesterday, which is kind of still ongoing since I am not sure if I fully slept yet, was a good day.  I had the house to myself (rare since the pandemic began).  I did some research for my writing project.  Ordered 2 books on it.  My mind continued to be amazed (mind blown) about what I am learning.  

I loved this by a new to me author who, in her case, wound up writing huge novels that had huge sucess 

I can tell you one thing.  My writing project, if God every allows it to be finished, is going to take me YEARS.  I am guessing 10 years.  Maybe more.  And that also is FULLY OK. 

And I can tell you something else. IT'S SO FUN. I am loving it so much.  

And without it, I feel like I would be on the floor depressed and unable to get up.

With it, conversely, I am able to better handle my life, better able to deal with sadness, even anxiety.  It's like so much better that I don't even care if, in the end, it's not published.

YES I want it to be.  But it's so much fun that I can just stay in today and not know it's future (or my own!). 

So basically it's an Act of God in my life holding me up.

I have some real griefs right now.  And yes, insomnia happens to me when I am in grief.  But I have a way through.

I can't tell you, again, how greatful I am for each of you and for those who comment, who pray, for email me when I tell you I am struggling.

I am sorry I can't always be here on my blog like I used to be.  It's just that life - and - my writing project - are quite time consuming. 

It's like I have an autodidact PhD and the 'dissertation' is what I ended up writing and the research is real (and so FUN) but thankfully there is no language learning requirement because then it may never get done LOL.

Well, it's nearly 1 AM.  I am going to try to go back to the magical place called 'a good night's sleep'.

God bless you all, each and every one. May the Lord save us, have mercy on us, comfort us, protect us and bring us through whatever huge struggle we are now in.  ❤