Well. This has been quite the day; the handmaiden that I got this week was all about suffering—including illness leading to death. I was surprised that within the same week to learn of my former classmates’ cancer; I wrote a blog entry about it and then misposted it to Spruce Island instead of my own blog. With the way aggregators work etc I felt that it was not worth taking it off and reposting it here.
I was able, with the encouragement of a current classmate, to apply to a job; and to be confident.
It seems these days I am anything but confident; more like shaking like a leaf and being unsure of every breath – well – almost that bad at times anyway.
I am not sure how to get out of this feeling that I have at times; this summer is really hard for me in that I have very few friends who I see in person; I think I always get a bit more off balance when I am alone too much; but being alone is not always a choice; I remember reading a book, I think a mystery book actually, that made the very significant distinction, explaining the difference between loneliness and solitude: you can chose solitudes, but loneliness is often found when you do not have a choice; you are alone by circumstances, by default.
I had some really good friends in my LIS year last year, but they have all moved away, graduated etc. There is only one person I see regularly that I know from last year; and then a few others who I see in class only who I knew from before.
I am hoping to go to Ottawa in a few weeks – I really want to go to confession with my spiritual father; I have really missed this.
My priest here in London is great—but one only has one spiritual father; I would not expect my priest here to replace what I had in Ottawa—not only would that be unrealistic, it would not be fair, as no one person – including priests – is alike.
This past year has held some new and at times intense challenges for me – a lot has changed (most of it things that I do not blog about; private/public lives are not always to be mixed) – sometimes it seems that maybe I have handled these changes well; other times I have been struggling to hold on, to know what to do.
I am really hoping to have a job of some sort come September, as this will be how I will be able to get another apartment to live in. I find that having a place to live by myself (and now with Cute Cat Cleo) does help my ability to handle the things that life has thrown at me. I am so grateful that God has given me places that I can make temporary homes/refuges in.
Meanwhile, I really hope to go to Ottawa in a few weeks…
… May the Lord have mercy on us all!