Through storm clouds and sunshine

The sunshine came out when I walked to vespers last Saturday.

The rain came again after vespers, but could not hide the sun.

I am aware of my faintness of heart,

how often I do not choose to love.

I finished book VI of the Brothers Karamazov

and am reminded again

of the life of God, the Church, the Saints;

the call to love, to humility.

Oh that I would remember God's mercy in the rain

and that the sun is always on the other side of the clouds.

Note to Self

When the newly washed blender parts are dry,

put the ring, then the blade and then screw the back in.

I often get this wrong, and do not understand how the blade will not fall out.

Simple to fix, simple to do. It is all about remembering the proper order.

I so often forget the ordering of the world.

I still find the world as we know it to be in part, irrational,

but God is still in charge of the world.

This is the proper ordering of a world that is so disordered.

God. God's love. The call towards humility.

The help of the Saints.

The faith to believe that, in spite of tragedy, or even,

within tragedy,

is God and His love, the Saints and their support.

That somehow it is all going to be okay.

Note to my soul: remember this.

Rain

The hard rain cannot obscure the sight of the Cross.

I hope it is not like this when I walk to church.

My entire being needs vespers desperately.

I will be wearing my black rain jacket over my skirt.

I am trying to work on cover letters and the whole business

makes me feel really weary.

I fell asleep on the couch and Cleo tried to steal food off the table.

Cleo and I are listening to the rain and Eva Cassidy

simultaneously.

Many Years Later

My Georgia O'Keeffe poster is finally framed.

Today was my semi-annual IKEA run.

The sun is warm and brilliant.

Soup for a cool summer evening

A simple soup for summer.

I am currently in love with Lebanese Cucumbers and Deep Red Tomatoes.

The Placemats are a creative use of beautiful

homemade cloth napkins;

I recieved them from a dear friend

who shared soup and tea with me.

(My Thanks).

The world is not rational

...we're living in a difficult and dangerous world, and no amount of sticking our heads in the sand is going to make it any easier. Western man has tried for too many centuries to fool himself that he lives in a rational world.
-Madeleine L' Engle (The Circle of Quiet)

In case my post about worry seems to only seem to be worry understated, I want to assure you that no, this is not actually the case.

Rather is a turning in my understanding of how the world is. Certainly not in my control - and as I begin to live in this reality - I can begin to relax. Become flexible, plan but not in stone.

God is our Rock and our Refuge. Other than this, there is no stone to write our plans in.

A colleague of my Mother's life was flipped this week; his brother was killed after being bit by a black widow spider. Throat swelled shut, vomit filled lungs, no oxygen for 30 minutes, he died a day later. He was at a campfire when it happened. No warning.

My Mother and I have conversation after conversation about people we know who are dying, have died, are severely ill or some other tragic event.

But like Madeleine L' Engle, I and my Mother have also chosen to believe in God and that His love will and does out distance it all.

I have told friends on various occasions that one of the reasons I am a Christian is because the description of God's love and of Christ - in the Bible - and in literature - and in experience of many. I do not believe humans or this world (without God) are ultimately able to create a Christ who is so loving; it is because God's love is outside of our experience that I believe it is true. Basically we could not make it up.

Somehow growing up is learning to relinquish control, seeing a world full of tragedy but seeing also love hidden in the midst.

Really Pleased

I got an

"A"

in the

17th Century

Literature Class.

Unpacking Do Not Worry

Suddenly the truth breaks;

Life is unpredictable; messy; unexplainable;

uncontrollable.

What does it mean to live in increasing ambiguity.

To live in the present moment,

not in the unknown future

not planning for what is not plannable.

French may not work out for me.

Today I found out that in Canada unemployment is taxed.

I will have less money than I thought.

Enough money to get by, but not to save.

What to do?

I do not know yet.

But I washed my dishes. Planned a meal.

Looked at a job description.

Disciplined my cat.

Am praying at church today.

Making a list of all the many things I need to do.

Controlling my future is no longer on my list.

That is on God's list.

I can only do what is on my list and in my capacity.

Do not worry

has to be on the top of my list.

Various Things

So, it appears that the Canadian government wants to enforce bilingualism but not promote funded training to learn French. Right. I may be able however to keep my unemployment and pay for the French classes myself. This leads to more questions and no immediate answers.

I have been listening to French CBC radio tonight and some lovely jazz it was. Listened also to Enya on youtube. Happy music.

God is constantly reminding me of His care. I ran into one of priests I know last night walking home; my friend was home this morning after the disappointing French news and we went grocery shopping; I ran into a Church friend in the mall (I was using it a short cut home).

This week I am going to go to IKEA; I am getting a curtain rod so I can hang up the curtains I bought long ago. I have various errands and need to do some more job searching.

I admit I feel on a wild ride, careening between a sense of despair, a sense of God's love, a hint of reckless adventuring and a strong desire to drive a car really really fast (this means about 80-85 mph in my world).

This probably means I need to be still inwardly...

The Lord and His mercy must be the still centre within us.