Sunday ~ a Day of Grace

 

Today did not go as I thought it would

but is according to what God saw as best. 

I had a really rought week.

Tons of temptations, insomnia and sickness.

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Long story short, I got the cold that is going around, 

was sick in bed all day yesterday, 

barely getting out of bed because I was so weak,

and finally I am sleeping again. 

After some weeks of PTSD insomnia triggers

that I did not fully understand. 

***

October 1st I was doing much better, 

healing has a lot of ups and downs. 

***

So my goddaugther is getting married any minute now

I am here at home praying for her

while she is undergoing one of the most beautiful 

sacraments of her entire life. 

My friend S. is going to read my speech at the reception

on my behalf.  I am consoled.

The speech is for them so I will not be sharing it here or elsewhere. 

***

One thing I used to be really good at was rest and self-care.

Complex PTSD has basically destroyed most everything and it's like

I have to relearn all my skills again. 

***

So: Note To Self and Anyone Else Who Needs to Know:

When you don't sleep all night, you need to rest as much as possible afterwards. 

If you can, stop what you are doing, change your plans and just rest. 

***

Because I had insomnia really bad when I had my medical trauma of illness

before the medical huge trauma of my memory loss,

it triggers me and I think I have to stay up so that I can sleep the next day

when actually I need rest and a lot of quiet and calm music.

Basically I need to re-establish the calm in me. 

***

I must not feel guilty for the PTSD insomnia because it's mental illness

and I know I have it and God is mercciful and helps with it. 

***

May God have mercy on us all.