Circles ... of Healing and Grief

 

I took another walk.

On this one path is trees with no leaves,

trees with golden orange leaves

and trees still with green leaves. 

I really like the little tree with the flame 

coloured leaves. 

I found myself thinking, 

we all have our own time and timeline,

there is just not one time for everyone.

***

Well, I am just trying to do 

my new basic routine...

***

Less than a week in!

***

I did a little bit of work on my writing project.

I revisited some writing that had to do with my 

memory loss and such,

but it was too painful to read.

So my heart is still tender from it.

And I am having to come to terms with 

how sick I was, not only with fear and PTSD

but just not well spiritually or, I don't know how to say it,

it's like all my weaknesses were grievously 

conflated into a mess of a person 

and that person was me and is me. 

I can't talk about it of course,

but I feel like it's OK to just say in this public space

of my small blog, 

that we can go through deep painful waters 

and it takes time to find land again.

That life can have real sorrow for how unwell one was,

and a growing wish to become well and that

it takes a long time but we must never give up,

because God, in His deep love and mercy, 

never gives up on us. 

***

I guess part of becoming more well is that one

grieves for how unwell one was

and for all that one still sees within oneself

that needs healing.

***

Well, I could not do much on my writing project,

but I did something at least.

***

I have, for a while, felt that the famous

Ladder to Heaven, 

that St John Climacus wrote on,

for me is like a spiral,

circles, 

that we go up and down in but somehow 

the circles are joined and can slowly

go towards Heaven, which means

we slowly become closer to Christ and 

who Christ wants us to be. 

But to get there requires a lot of pain, a 

lot of struggle and grief.

But I see very much that Christ,

who is Perfect LOVE, 

is worth every single ounce of grief,

pain and it's better to see one's self as 

broken than to think oneself as someone

who can make it through life without God.

***

I remember my dear Camp Director's Wife, who died in 1998,

she was really my first spiritual mother, 

outside of my Mom and Grandmothers, 

who are that in a different way,

and she had cancer and I remember her saying,

she can't imagine surviving such trials without God's help.

***

Well, I have to start small, 

be deeply greatful for the healing I have now

and pray that God will deepen the healing into 

something stable within me.

That, I am afraid, will take longer than I wish,

however, I was very encouraged and must remember the idea

that small changes in one's life and routine can build into 

the change one really wants.

And really, Met. Kallistos Ware is right when he said,

I think in the book Inner Kingdom,

that what everyone really wants is one thing:

repentance. 

For that is how we come to Christ 

and Christ is the one, the Beloved,

who we all so desperately are looking for

and often do not realize it.

***

May God help us. 

God's mercy is everlasting,

may we seek Christ's mercy in all things. 

Another Day, Another Walk and Hope for Another Day

 

I managed a 2+ mile walk...

I am reading a book that I mentioned, 

Atomic Habits,

I like that he talks about small changes can produce

the bigger change you want to have.

It's giving me a tool for reflection,

now that I am getting much better, 

where do I go from here, sort of questions.

How do I go from point A (current life) to point B and beyond?

***

What does that even look like for my personal life?

I am making some changes, but they are so new,

I am not going to write about them...

but one I will mention just has to do with thoughts

basically from 

I know I have to do this but don't want to 

to 

I want to do what I know I have to do,

and get to this point:

I really want to do my life's path and obey God

to

Joy in obeying God, the joy of doing God's will.

I think this is a process and of course, since I believe in God,

I also think there are those who don't want me to get to that point

of joyful obedience and gladness of God's will for my life

but that's exactly what I need to go towards.

***

I know it's terrible that I have to get to that point instead of BEING at that 

point ... however, part of my reason for writing about it is that 

it will help me get back to it.

I think I had that joy before, not perfect but more than now,

when I had 3 years of illness, mistakes, confusion and such.

***

I need to learn to reorient my heart to thanksgiving.

***

And build things into my life that will help.

***

Maybe I can't have everything I wish in terms of a life

that just works as planned (LOL, that never happens it seems)

but maybe I can still have more of what I wish.

Which is stability of purpose, of mind, of will.

***

This song...

THE DEER'S CRY, RITA CONNOLLY SINGS AT POWERS COURT

this is really what it's all about...

***

One of the things that is happening is that I *am* more where

I wanted to be than before.

The constant internal pain and fear is not with me like it was.

The sense of just feeling like myself is more here.

I just need to keep going in that direction,

which is going to involved changes in my days but 

espeically changes in my heart, in my thoughts,

from feeling a despair and deep brokeness to 

more of a stability of purpose and hope,

and onwards...

***

Well, here's to the next day and the next minute,

cups of tea, hope in God, and thinking of how

I can continue to rebuild my life... 

***

ps: Greta, I know of the Catholic prayers of offering up one's 

suffering and I think it is beautiful. My Husband's father,

older than you are, also does a lot of prayer walks...

I am not sure how to describe mine but they have to do with prayer

but perhaps differnetly at this point in my life... 

Perspective in 4 pictures

 

Same tree, different perspective... 

I really liked this set of four pictures,

it shows something that is hard to express,

about seeing only part and then seeing the whole... 

***

Well, I appreciate the encouragement.

Greta, I don't know you well of course but it was 

meaningful to me to know you a little more by your comment,

thank you. 

***

Well. 

Another week has begun.

We stayed local again for church.

This illness has taken a while to recover from.

I think we are on the mend, but am being cautious about that...

***

My Husband's Aunt fell but is back home;

an older cousin of mine is also just back home from hospital,

he has the scary 'c' word... :( 

***

It's wonderful that nothing is scary to God and that 

we have comfort in our many trials in life.

I walked 2 miles again today.

***

It's getting colder....

***

I am thinking still about Thanksgiving,

and the focus we need of needing God but also

of giving joy to others in ways that God 

gives... 

***

It's hard sometimes, there is so much sorrow in the world,

and so much of it we really can't do anything,

that sounds terrible, but I mean that we have limits,

to time, strength, emotional vulnerability/strength, spiritual...

as well as just in terms of availability/ability.

***

When I was walking, I was thinking on these two verses,

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee

Isaiah 26:3 KJV

and 

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:

“In repentance and rest is your salvation,

    in quietness and trust is your strength,"

Isaiah 30:15 NIV

***

May God help us do just that... 

with His grace and mercy.... 

Little by little by little

 

I nearly have all the Christmas cards done.

Somehow not all that I had in my 'address book' got printed 

so it was extra work. 

We are slowly on the mend. 

I am amazed at how much change and loss there is in life. 

I think when I was younger I had no idea that life is like this.

Today I finally got the kitchen counter and island clean; 

my Husband helped. 

I did not get a walk today outside because getting things clean

was more important and I did not have time for both. 

I think a lot of us struggle to keep the house tidy.

Dishwashers are great, but then they are full of clean dishes,

dirty ones pile up because your attention is on another project...

I finally folded a huge mountain of laundry that had been piling up for two weeks.

It's crazy how I don't even have kids but the questions of

what do I cook for dinner,

what are we eating next week, 

trying to not feel buried by housework,

wishing it was easier but nothing in my life lends to a routine, 

as if my life could be clockwork...

life just is not that way and sometimes the very fact

discourages me. 

***

To remember how far I have come,

to see that gains are truly being made, 

are hard to keep in mind because so much else is always 

changing, one is confronted with losses unexpected 

and the grief of them comes at times and you can't avoid it; 

I actually got to call my Grandma today.

It's not the same type of conversation though because her 

hearing is worse so it's hard to have a two way conversation on the phone.

But still, she is an example to me of trying to always be thankful,

even though things are not the same.

***

As one ages things are harder, one gets more tired

more easily and being thankful becomes all the more important... 

***

I don't know why exactly but I just keep feeling I need to 

get everything about Christmas done early; 

maybe because a year ago we were blindsided by some 

unexpected things. 

***

how much we need the Lord,

His forgiveness and constant help.

***

May God help us...save us... comfort us... 

Day by Day

 

I am slowly reading this book, among others.

I like that it is saying that it is not the goal

but the system (the things you do everyday) that matter more.

And how small improvements build. 

***

Just beacause I had medical trauma that caused me to lost so much

does not mean I can't regain / rebuild / learn new skills...

***

It's just going to take time to do it...

I am already talking steps to try to make things easier and more 

efficient... anti-entropy in a way...

***

May God have mercy on us. 

A Week Later

 

We had a lot of hot Chinese pepper soup (glass noodle) and chicken noodle soup this week.

I was so sick a week ago. 

Saturday I could barely walk, I was so weak.

A week later, Sunday, I walked over 3 miles.

I hope to get back to being able to do 5 miles soon, but one thing at a time.

I have had a lot of realizations in this time of sickness and hope to launch into a new stage of healing from what has been nearly 3 of the most difficult years of my life. 

I am asking God in a new way for healing, for hope for better, and especially for strength to believe that God can continue to heal me and strength to believe in the abilities God has given me and everyone for healing. 

***

I am learning about neuroplasticity and that our brains can be rewired.

I am realizing how I would panic and think the same trauma that I went through nearly 3 years ago was happening again; but this time I realized that this is a false tape playing in my brain for too long and I can cut it out and destroy it.

Because I will not lose my memory through taking medicine like I did because I will never take that medicine again.  

While I knew that, my shattered system did not. 

But now I feel like I see it better and am truly ready for the next stage of healing, which is to learn to think differently and have faith, hope and love basically in a stronger form, in me, slowly, by God's mercy and grace alone. 

***

I have been thinking of Corrie ten Boom a lot.

She went through unthinkable horrors and survived and thrived. 

I am realizing that her prayer life and constant focus on Christ and meditating on God's Words and Promises were a huge part of her own inner healing and why she stayed as well as she did during her time of hell in the concentration camps that killed countless numbers of people during WWII. 

***

And her obedience to Christ and forgiveness of those who caused the suffering, the trauma, this also was part of her healing. 

***

So I am asking God for help in new ways.

***

And I am writing about it here because it's a path of healing for me and it's my current prayer request:

that I can have the strength to have the faith and ability to change, to think differently, to admit that I will have the temptation of PtSD triggers but I don't have to go there.

I can learn instead to trust God to heal my mind, my spirit, my heart. 

And then, one day, I Hope, I can speak to another person about how God healed me and how there is hope for healing for others. 

***

Please pray for me in this.

I know once you realize the next step of what you want, there's going to be challenges to it. 

But Christ, as Corrie ten Boom wrote so often, Christ is the Victor and we need not fear..... 

Sunday ~ a Day of Grace

 

Today did not go as I thought it would

but is according to what God saw as best. 

I had a really rought week.

Tons of temptations, insomnia and sickness.

****

Long story short, I got the cold that is going around, 

was sick in bed all day yesterday, 

barely getting out of bed because I was so weak,

and finally I am sleeping again. 

After some weeks of PTSD insomnia triggers

that I did not fully understand. 

***

October 1st I was doing much better, 

healing has a lot of ups and downs. 

***

So my goddaugther is getting married any minute now

I am here at home praying for her

while she is undergoing one of the most beautiful 

sacraments of her entire life. 

My friend S. is going to read my speech at the reception

on my behalf.  I am consoled.

The speech is for them so I will not be sharing it here or elsewhere. 

***

One thing I used to be really good at was rest and self-care.

Complex PTSD has basically destroyed most everything and it's like

I have to relearn all my skills again. 

***

So: Note To Self and Anyone Else Who Needs to Know:

When you don't sleep all night, you need to rest as much as possible afterwards. 

If you can, stop what you are doing, change your plans and just rest. 

***

Because I had insomnia really bad when I had my medical trauma of illness

before the medical huge trauma of my memory loss,

it triggers me and I think I have to stay up so that I can sleep the next day

when actually I need rest and a lot of quiet and calm music.

Basically I need to re-establish the calm in me. 

***

I must not feel guilty for the PTSD insomnia because it's mental illness

and I know I have it and God is mercciful and helps with it. 

***

May God have mercy on us all. 

please pray

I am typing on my phone. Blogger still flips my pictures upside down if I blog on my phone. 🤷

I had so much insomnia again in the last weeks that earlier this week my vision was blurry.  Which caused me to have a PTSD flashback. Because that's what happened the last time I went to NYC before I lost my memory.  Before I almost died.

A flashback is when you get trapped in the past trauma and it's like it is happening all over again.

I talked with my therapist TWICE this week it was so bad.  I've kept in contact with lots of friends asking for prayer.  

I am trying so hard to keep it together.

this song has been one of the songs keeping me steady.... It is like Aunt Beast in Madeleine L'Engle book, feeding me.... 

Also one called "God I'm not OK but I am still here"...

I am ready Sean's new book Over Yonder it's really good.

My Husband fell ill with a cold.  Now I have the cold.  I am to speak at my goddaughter's wedding reception this Sunday God willing.

I hope I will be able to do so.  

Please pray for me.  And my goddaughter and her fiance.  And my Beloved Husband.

Many Things ~ The Protection of the Mother of God

Ok. HELLO WORLD (LOL). 

It's been a minute. 

..... 

A day or so has gone past since I wrote the above two sentences LOL. 

My life is a bit BUSY right now. 

```

I can tell I am healing.

Last Saturday we were at liturgy, early and the morning was still

cooler and the sun was beautiful and the trees, the leaves, the sense of dew,

I felt it so strongly.

I was quietly overjoyed because I had not had that experience in almost 3 years.

I did not know if I would ever have it again.

***

My illness and memory loss was like a fire that destroyed a forest 

or a green verdant field 

and all that was left was burnt soil, the grass, the trees, everthing, 

gone, destroyed, absent. 

***

I am slowly texting my family and friends like I used to do.

My Husband today sent me the funniest passage from the 

Brother's Karmazov, telling me joyfully,

Elizabeth will find this hilarious.

***

He had lost his Elizabeth for almost 3 years.

that's the first time he's done that in a very long time. 

***

I still have short term memory problems, 

that insomnia does not help

and I had a PTSD trigger again this week and have

had a lot of insomnia.

***

I am still working through the grief of many things, 

of having Complex PTSD, of seeing how ill I was,

of seeing that I will never be the same...

***

When you literally almost die, and your Husband has to force you to eat,

to drink and you have no clue who he is but obey,

when you come back, and then heal from the deep trauma of it, 

which I am still doing... but...

the world, oh this beautiful crazy broken amazing world. 

It's so much more beautiful now.

Because God let me return to it after losing everything. 

***

I still have grief.

I still find myself suddenly weeping at times. 

But that is healthy. 

That I know.

***

I am working on a very special essay.

***

We had Larissa's 4th memorial service.

It was very special. 

Healing.

***

May God have mercy on us all.