My 8 things

Pres. Kathy tagged me!

8 Things I am looking forward to:

1 Spending time with people
2 Finishing reading and comprehending Paradise Lost by John Milton
3 Having my house clean
4 Having more life direction/certainty
5 Book sales in May
6 My class on 17th century Lit
7 Being more clear within myself
8 Being at the Monastery again sometime

8 Things I did yesterday:

1 Dishes
2 Read Paradise Lost
3 Bought books for class
4 Bought two fun books on English Lit
5 Talked to people on the phone
6 Spent hours in the library (see #2)
7 Held my cat Cleo
8 Walked outside


8 Things I wish I could do:

1 Learn to be more verbally assertive and confident – I am working on this!
2 Tell my own future and make it a nice one.
3 Make things better for others – it is hard for me to see suffering
4 Write really well and get published
5 Do well in academia without being internally destroyed
6 Have more discipline and organization
7 Have a community of friends that all hang out on a more regular basis. We live in a very fragmented lonely world. I wish to combat this more.
8 Have Pascha like parties twice a month

8 Shows I Watch

The secret is now out! I don’t watch any. Silly me, not having a TV. Blogs and book reading and talking on the phone are my pastimes. So I will tell you what books I’ve been reading instead.

1 Paradise Lost by John Milton
2 17th Century Prose and Poetry – a Broadview anthology
3 A History of English Literature by Emile Legouis and Louis Cazamian (published and revised 1926-1933)
4 The Penguin Short History of English Literature by Stephen Coote
5 Acedia and Me by Kathleen Norris
6 Preface to Paradise Lost by CS Lewis (have not read much of this one yet)
7 Milton’s Ideas by William Grace
8 Dear Editor: A History of Poetry in Letters (this is about the American journal entitled Poetry and has lots of interesting letters from the likes of Ezra Pound, etc)

8 Tags.

Well. I’d rather not tag others, but if you comment on my blog and do this, I would love to read them!

About the number 8 - the 8th day is also called the Day of the Resurrection. For this I want most of all.

So....about that class I am taking and what it may mean

I called a local University in town.

If I...

...do well in the class,
can hand in the paper I will DV write as a writing sample,
get two good references....

then I can apply for a Masters in English Lit to start this Fall.

Then I will see if they want me and if there is still room in the program.

I am going to go for it and see how it goes.

I am in Book 5 (of 12) of Paradise Lost now. I am taking copious notes. I will have to read the whole poem (400 pages) again, perhaps two more times.

The professor emailed me the syllabus today for the class.

I read two poems by John Donne; I love John Donne!

I also found two used books on the history of English Lit - one is from the 1930s and I find it not only informative, but funny - of course I do have a slightly warped sense of humour...

Did you know that "all hell broke loose" is from Milton's Paradise Lost?

This is the lines I read tonight:

"To love or not; in this we stand or fall;" (Book 5, line, also cited as: 5.540).

There are a lot of interesting correlations between Milton, a Protestant, and what I understand of a more Orthodox view of hell as a rejection of God and His love...

Happy Things

On Bright Monday I had a small Pascha Party.

It was very lovely and I appreciate

all who came.

It was a dream come true to have this party.

(Notice the Ikea White bowl setting - was for a precious 2 year old!)

On other positive notes:

1. I will get some money back from taxes. This is good given my current non-job status.

2. I got an A- in my library course! (Thanks for all prayers and encouragment).

3. I think I have almost all of my errands done -

this means I can start really studying for my class.

I admit that I am a bit anxious

about the course I plan on taking.

One thing at a time...

Appreciation

Just wanted to note that I really appreciate everyone who reads and comments on my blog.

I have really felt a lot of blessing and support.

The blog world is not always straightforward.

That I have such wonderful blog friends

who are kind, prayerful and supportive is a real gift.

I thank God for you all!

Loving Literature

I am halfway through reading Book III of Milton's Paradise Lost. I am loving it. It is so refreshing to be working with ideas again.

Themes I have found so far:

*Acedia in hell
*Christ as the one who provides the justice (death for death). This idea of appeasing God's wrath/justification is found more in the Western side of Christianity.
*Justifying God's ways, especially that both the spirits and man have/had the freedom to chose to obey or revolt
*Typology of first and second Adam (typology sees Old Testament figures and events again in the New Testament and is part of a way of seeing and/or interpreting the world; or so I think!)

I am also reading a book explaining the historical context in which Milton was writing in. This is really helpful and of great interest.

Doing this study is making me feel alive again.
I am really hoping that the class itself goes well.

A First Step

I have signed up to take a 17th Century English Lit Course. Begins in May and ends in Mid-June. Compressed, liable to be intense.

I am using this time as a litmus test to see if I can pursue further studies in English Lit. If I can, I can either get a job as a humanities librarian in a University or teach or perhaps something else.

Until I know this answer, I will not be able to get past it. It was my dream to do grad work in English Lit and be a professor. Now I need to see if it is possible or is a dream to mourn and move on from.

It seems that the early thirties for me (and a few others I know) is a time of transition, adjustment and new ventures.

Please pray for me.

Pascha and All Its Brightness

I am very young and a young convert at that – I believe this was my 5th Pascha. I am still getting the rhythm of Pascha, the verses, the order, the joy. It is like floating, the bright light, the incredible singing – esp. Shine New Jerusalem – suddenly I am in heaven and startled to be there.

I stood in Pascha and lived. Aware also that heartbreak on earth does not stop after Pascha. This too is another mystery. How does suffering exist after celebrating Pascha?! But it does. I see it in my own heart and in others. Tears on Pascha. As if we are still Mary, weeping for our Lord.

Pascha this year, even more, brought me to beg Jesus to come back.

To come and rescue us, to take us from the pit of hell. The cup of the Lord’s may be ours to drink, but sometimes our hearts beg the Lord that it pass from us. Yet, once one has tasted Pascha, somehow we can say Thy Will be Done.

The icons of Christ’s Crucifixion and Christ’s Resurrection cannot be separated. Liturgically in practice, in the Icons, in the hymns throughout Holy Week, and on Pascha, it is clear.

The place of hell becomes the place of salvation. The tomb becomes the bridal chamber. The tomb is where Christ’s resurrection took place. Let us stay there to welcome the Christ, the Bridegroom, the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world.

O Christ, now that we have been given Your Pascha, help us to stay within Your joyous light, until you return, and there will be no more tears...

Can't Wait for Pascha!!

Tonight I wore black and a purple shawl/scarf around my shoulders.

Tomorrow the reversal: white from head to toe, perhaps with my pink shawl / scarf around my shoulders...

I hope to be making my first Pascha bread called Paska (not the kind with cheese in it).

But these things are nothing compared to Christ's glorious resurrection!

The clothes, Pascha baskets and feasts pass away...

Christ's tomb becomes the Bridal Chamber,

we must go to meet Him there in His glorious resurrection!

Holy Thursday 2009

Tonight was the mystery of anointing with the seven Gospels.
Tomorrow is the 12 Matin Gospels in the evening.

I need to prepare forms, resume, portfolio and do research for my job interview.

I feel overwhelmed at the suddenness of it. I was not expecting an interview so soon.

I have so many decisions to make about my life and career and what to do. It is really hard. And there are not many who can really advise me on it.

Questions such as:

*do I take time off and learn French? This is a complicated one. I live in the capital of Canada which is bilingual. I am the sole wage earner in my one person plus cat house. Do I risk not taking a job for the summer and see how far I can get in learning French? I know maybe 20 words total of French. (No lie, I did not have it in school ever, as I grew up in the States.)

*do I go from contract from contract if I do not land a permanent job that is not the best fit for me? Ottawa is a contract city...

*do I change directions? I had missed my English Lit days. But an MA in English Lit will not get jobs. My MLIS degree will.

So many questions. I never knew I would be a professional who has to figure out how to strategically build her career.

Lord have mercy, I need His Wisdom so badly.

Wise words from one of my friends - we only have today.

I pray that I will learn to love God and watch for Him as the Bridegroom in each of my days.

Holy Week and Networking

Prayers requested!

I know that outwardly it seems that I would have Holy Week free - but life is never so simple.

I have a networking event to go to today and an interview tomorrow.

References to contact, forms to fill out, professional words to plan, portfolio updates, wardrobe choices, and prayers.

Metaphorically speaking, my knees are weak and my heart can quickly melt.

Where are the saints for professionally working woman? Any suggestions? Of course I am asking the prayers of St. Xenia of Petersberg, the Theotokos, St. Joachim and Anna.

How to be the Lord's and be strong.

Lord help me, Amen.

Lord Have Mercy

I posted a while back about learning to be present to the present.

I find this to be one of the biggest temptations for me as Holy Week begins.

I have so many new dreams and hopes about the future, that I have to struggle to refocus myself to Holy Week.

Of course it is a challenge as I am have to change gears, do all the phone calls and research about job and financial related things. With EI (unemployment insurance as I believe it is called in the States) I should be fine financially, esp. if I live responsibly.

Each year the liturgical year impacts me in new ways - this year I am more aware of the narrative continuity... Lazarus Saturday, to Palm Sunday, to Holy Week beginning.

I am aware of many people's struggles - school, job and health. May God have mercy on us and protect us. May He bring us to Pasca and to His joy!

Moving towards what is yet unseen

I recognize the signs now. Of grief and loss, of sudden unexpected departure. The sense of unreality and bewilderment.

At the same time, many people are helping shore me up. Love, prayers, phone calls, emails, blog comments, just the right Akathist given into my hands.

And I do not feel out of hope; I just have to figure out what I want and need to do.

I watched via the blog word, one of my closest blog friends (as we have known each other in person first and for over 10 years) change jobs, move and have her life change directions. I remember her reports of using her benefits before they were gone - which is a bigger deal in the States.

My brother-in-law Mark was permanently laid off this week; they want to sell their house, continue fundraising and live and work in Romania taking care of orphans through a Protestant organisation. I already touched on the complexities of a Protestant organization in an Orthodox country. I love my sister and brother-in-law very much and know first hand their love for the Romanian orphans. I thank God for them. They were one of the first people I called after coming home in tears and shock on Monday.

Two nights ago I took a medical sleeping aid. I know myself and if I did not do something to stop the yawning pit of insomnia, I would not be well. I slept the night through and last night I slept much better as well, without the drug. I am glad to have these for emergencies. I remember reading a very honest account of someone who had become addicted to pain killers. I am determined not to get hooked on sleeping meds or anything else.

I have a continued list of everything I need to do professionally. Next week is Holy Week and I must turn my attention to this. In Bright Week, Lord Willing, I hope to go to career counseling.

When I was reading the info packet on insomnia (came with the drug I took), severe stress included: a death of a loved one, divorce and job loss.

I feel like God dramatically took me out of this situation; I was there, I saw, I learned, I struggled, failed and loved as best I could; I prayed for my clients. My icons were there blessing the library. God brought people to me in the place of work to help me survive as long as I did. The job, as my readers know, caused me a lot of anxiety. Numerous things went wrong in the time I was there, starting with breaking my foot a week before starting the job. I feel that this chapter is now over.

The page has been turned.

I am suddenly in a new chapter. This chapter is largely unknown. It begins with me buying drugs, having dental and eye care all before my benefits end. I am in a much better apartment, have everything I dreamed of that I could control (apartment, furniture, the gathering of certain books and icons). Talking with my very astute and personal dentist, I did readers advisory with him for his child (library speak for here are reading options you should consider for your child, based on what his age, reading level and interests are) and felt reassured that I am indeed a librarian.

How to hit the ground running, move forward, act graciously, take care of the inner and emotional ramifications of sudden job loss. I was told the other day that I was glowing.

My move and job subsumed my Fall and Early Winter. My online course, work and overtime at my job subsumed my Winter and Early Spring.

Now is the time of reevaluation. Now is the time of Spring, for dreaming and healing. Many steps are being made, I am trying to stand; in the end, only God can make me stand.

Holy Week is almost upon us. Christ come quickly with your Passion, with your Holy Resurrection. Christ, come quickly! Save us speedily and waken us to Your will, Your Good and Holy Pleasure. Christ, save us and bring us to Your Joy.

At Home

Home in my apartment. I am so happy in my little home with Cat Cleo.

I have insomnia meds now. Two nights of broken sleep.

Am moving forward on many levels. Still processing everything that is happening.

Realized last night how the way I was let go from work gave no closure.

I hope I am not getting sick.

Lord help us all - Amen.

The Setting Sun

God is so merciful to us.

I continue to pray that things will improve. I am asking God to provide for me; I love living here in Ottawa, in my apartment, in my small church-going life here.

It is night now, the city lights are out, I am inside. I slept very little last night - typical when something traumatic happens to me - to have insomnia. It is the old calendar feast of the Annunciation and when I read the Gospel for this, I was heartened.

I am preparing my resume, found career counseling place, I have a whole list of things to do. I need wisdom to know when to do what.

As I woke up this morning (or noticed it was light, I do not know how much I slept) I realized I was still in a state of shock. I was not going to work today to serve my clients. I realized how much I cared about them and that I was sad. Of course the termination was traumatic and wounded me; I have been aware of this too. My little library is not mine anymore to serve in. Just when I thought I was beginning to really understand my work, it was taken away.

When I knew, in February, that things were not going well for me, I went through a large sense of shock, fear and dismay - questioning if I did the right thing to move into my beloved new apartment and buying furniture. But now that the second shock, of losing my job, is wearing off I know the answer. Everyone has different priorities on this one, and I am not saying my decision to buy something is right or better. Not in the least! However, my last apartment had very little storage and this apartment has such a good sense of space. I can actually keep things clean. And the beauty of the apartment, and the cleanness of it, is very restorative. (Also I had saved money for furniture for sometime, so I did not have credit card debt, which can be so dangerous).

And I am able to be hospitable here which can help in the path towards salvation - to learn to practice hospitality, like Abraham.

The encouragement and prayers of all of you, and of other friends and family, is helping me through. I have a possibly long road ahead of me and know that I need God's mercy and many prayers. ... Right now I feel peaceful but in my weakness I have often lost this sense of peace.

Yet God is merciful and is here.

May the Lord have mercy on us all as we journey towards Pasca!

Prayer Needed

Christ is in our midst!

Today on the 5th Monday of Great Lent I went to work. I started my day, prepared what was needed and was then called into a meeting.

I had, as my readers know, been working in the corporate world. A world that I found very difficult to work in. Well, that has ended. The meeting was brief, quick and I was fired, they did not allow me to return to my desk, they packed up my belongings (including my Icons) and saw me to the door.

I am still a bit in shock, confused to say the least. But I must believe in God and that He does not allow anything to happen without a reason.

I think what is hardest for me is trying to know what to do next. I really do not know if I can continue to be a librarian. But I do not know what to do instead.

This is when not being married is the hardest for me - I wish I had someone like this to go through this with. Of course another income would be nice.

That said, God is with me, with us.

Please pray for me, a sinner.

Last Assignment in Lent

I have had a lot of quietness this weekend.

I finished (almost completely) my last assignment for my online course.

I am a bit more hopeful about work.

Tomorrow is going to be a very social day, so I am glad to have had quiet beforehand.

This Lent has gone so quickly.

I relaxed more than last Lent; but I do not think this was a wrong thing to do.

I think (or hope) I was and am being more realistic,

and true to my circumstances.

That said,

laziness must not reign in my house or in my heart.

May God give us the support we need to complete the fast -

we are almost to Holy Week...

Living in the Present

Living in the present is one of the things I am learning.

This means not living in the past - which has not been too hard for me personally.

This also means not living in the future - including what one hopes the future will be.

This one is more challenging to me. When I was in school I would look forward to the next class and how great it would be. Later, I dreamed of how great it would be to be working. I realize that I can do this in my dreams of what books I will read. (Moreover, planning book buying without reading the books just bought; or what books one will get from the library while the library pile goes unread from last week's library run).

Orthodoxy continues to bring truth into my life in ways I could never of dreamt (another reason to live in the present instead of a fantasy dreamt future).

I have been reading that through God and the Church, a human can become who God created them to be. I see is in Fr. Stephen's post on prayer and humility. Losing one's self brings one to his or her truest self is a concept I first read in C.S. Lewis. The Orthodox church, with the writings and prayers of the Church Father's, deepen what C.S. Lewis speaks of.

The fragrant flower of humility. How wonderful it is to see glimpses of what is needed.

Yet, how little I know - when I was a Protestant I would set myself "spiritual goals" as if I could reach them on my own strength! Still now, I see the danger of thinking that I can acquire myself what I am learning about. And so I need God's tender, loving mercy.

May God grant us all the mercy to complete this Lent and bring us to His Holy Pasca!

Email - Housekeeping for Canadians - Spam Alert

FYI for Canadians:

If you have received the following message (with the subject: "IMPORTANT: You are entitled to a tax refund now"), delete the email.

Do not open the e-mail message as it is malicious software looking to obtain private information (known as phishing).

Be vigilant regarding any email request which asks for personal information such as banking info or credit cards.

The email looks like this:

[Revenue Canada Logo here]

From: Canada Revenue Agency [mailto:canadarevenueagency@minister.com]
Sent: March 16, 2009 10:33 PM
Subject: Tax Refund Pending !

Dear Citizen,

After the last anual calculations of your fiscal activity we have determined that you are eligible to receive a tax refund of $475.20 From 2009, we process refunds through your VISA / Mastercard Please fill the form below and e-mail it to [...DELETED for websafety....] or simply reply it from this curent e-mail !

First Name:
Last Name:
Address:
City:
Province:
Postal Code:
Home Phone Number:
Mother's Maiden Name:
Date of Birth:
Social Insurance Number:
Credit/Debit Card Number:
Expiration date [ MM/YYYY ] :
Card Verification Code:
Card Signature/ATM PIN:
Bank Name:

We are asking for your personal information to ensure we access the correct account, enabling us to provide the tax return. Internal Revenue Code Section 6105 allows us to request your Social Insurance Number, Credit/Debit Card number, Expiration Date, Cvv Code ( located on the back of your card ) and ATM PIN CODE for use in maintaining and accessing tax return information. If you do not enter complete and valid information we cannot provide tax return.

Worm Regards,

Canada Revenue Agency

Short Update - 4th week of Great Lent

Lent - we are nearing the end already. May the Lord give us mercy to keep at the spiritual disciplines.

I gained clarification about "rights" at work. Work, unlike the Kingdom of God, is contractual. It is okay to ask work to honour what it has contracted. Merciful but not being walked on when regarding contractual agreements.

How much I need God's wisdom and mercy.

My apartment is really coming together. Another month and I hope a lot of it will be done.

I feel "at home" when I am here now. However, I must remember that I am never to feel that this earth is our final home. A challenge to our home-loving North American culture. It has been said that the upkeep, decoration and furnishing of one's home has become the new religion. This is something I must remember, as much as I love IKEA, paint colours and coziness.

Church is home though and this past Sunday it felt so home-like; the rain outside, the brightness and icons inside, my church family, the silence. How I wish everyone could find such nourishing homes with such love.

I treasure such times. May the Lord pour out His mercy to us as we strive to come to the end of this Lent. Lord have mercy, we have such a long way to go!

Thank you

It means a lot to me that I was prayed for today. Thank you.

I was able to get through this day.

I am doing a bit better.

This weekend I hope to rest - though I have an assignment to finish...

I just finished re-reading C.S. Lewis'

Narnia Chronicles.

I long for the Pasca of Pascas,

when Christ comes back to take us home.

Prayers Requested

I have had an intense work week so far.
I felt that things were going pretty well lately, overall.
This week I have been struggling with a lot of fears again.
If you could say a prayer for me today, I would appreciate this.

Thank you.

Humans - Dignity - Blog Post Recommendation

Fr. Stephen often articulates what I need to hear. I wanted to recommend this post as it shows how the Orthodox understanding of human dignity.

So much work, it seems, needs to be done on what it really means to be human, not to mention what it means to be a woman, and what it means to be a man.

The world in which I live has very distorted understandings and expectations.

I hope to do a post sometime on what it means to be human in a work environment. Questions like:

What does it mean to be "humanely" treated; what do our "rights" mean and what does an Orthodox understanding of this. (Short summary: I am beginning to wonder if to demand one's "rights" is truly Christ-centred).

Lord have mercy on us all, as well seek to understand Christ's incarnation and that we are made in the image of God.

The Holy Cross

O Lord, save Your people,
and bless Your inheritance.
Grant victories to Your people
over their adversaries.
And by virtue of Your Cross,
preserve Your habitation.
Before Your Cross,
we bow down in worship,
O Master;
and your Holy Resurrection
we praise and glorify!


It struck me today in Church how the celebration of the Cross is so linked to Christ's Resurrection.

I am looking forward to Pasca!

Hard to believe we are half way there. I know I need the mercy of God to complete this Great Lent.

Kitchen Corner

I have more nesting to do in my small home....

In the meantime, I thought I would share a small corner of my kitchen.

A few weeks ago my over the stove top hood-with-fan-and-light malfunctioned...

in the end it was replaced.

For light in my kitchen, I moved a lamp.

I loved it so much that I kept it there.

Here are two pictures -

these pictures do not fully capture the soft comforting brightness of the corner.

Real life is still greater than technology, thank God!

Nonetheless, enjoy the two photo tour!

All of the essentials.

First, Spiritual Help (Icon of the Mother of God).

Second, spices, pasta, oils,

garlic and onion

salt, pepper.

Third, pencils, pens,

scissor and letter opener.

Forth, vase with soup ladles, spatulas, spoons.

My sugar bowl and glass ring holder

are there, in the background...

Fifth, the lamp that lights up the icon so beautifully.

An icon of the Mother of God.
This is one of the icons
from my Church.
I was quickly taken by this icon,
our Holy Mother of Christ our God,
strong and peaceful - beautiful and loving.
I noticed her strength first of all,
with this icon.

I will never be able to fully articulate what I have been given
in the (Orthodox) Church;
the icons, such as this one,
show it more deeply
than my words can say.

For which I thank God.

The Ups and the Downs

This morning at work I got two "good job" emails. It was such a nice way to start on a Monday! Late in the afternoon, at work, I got a "What happened last week?" phone call. Apparently there was some sort of miscommunication that involves my work. Sigh. So it is, up and down.

Would appreciate prayers as these sorts of things scare me a little, even though I know it is just a misunderstanding of some sort. Add a bit of indirect communication and I find it even harder. Sigh Sigh, Sigh!

:)

However, it is quiet in my little home. Cleo is sitting on my dining room chair. I can see my St. George Icon and Lampada from where I am sitting (picture later, promise!).

I am hoping to set up more of my house soon - I have almost all my icons up (save ones I need to get backs for) and I have yet to have my hall way mirror up (it's almost more of a mini-hall-room than a hallway, actually), have my tall bookshelf to yet be assembled and some screw-in-to-the-wall shelves in my bedroom. Not to mention moving things in my living room. That and more decorations, spice racks and other things to be put up and all will be done. So . . . expect these pictures by May or June! Lord Willing!

Meanwhile, here are pictures from a lovely birthday party I was at recently for a very darling two year old.

The Cake. Was most satisfying.

One of the Cool Adults made this.

We had fun.

Long Day

I did not sleep well last night. I am thankful that I got through this day. I saw three people I know when walking downtown - one from each of my last two jobs - and someone from my current life.

I originally hoped to go to a presanctified liturgy tonight. I knew when I kept waking up that it was not to be. Tonight has to be a quiet night.

A bit of house cleaning, dinner making and that is it. I am thankful for friends and for you, my blog reader friends.

Mercy

I was working a bit late today - as usual it seems now days - when my cell phone rang. Dear friends of mine invited me to dinner and picked me up from home. I was so exhausted it was wonderful to be fed good food and be dropped off later at a local grocery store so I could buy the last ingredients for soup.

I made the soup. I have called my Mother to say hi. I have read my blogs and did no homework. I am grateful; need to work on coursework tomorrow. Work continues to be a challenge.

Found out that one my fellow librarian friend's job contract is ending in two months. Sometimes I still feel afraid that I will also lose my job.

I am trying to not be afraid and to trust in God's abundant mercy.

Thanking God for Fr. Stephen's reminder that week two of Lent is a bit less arduous.

I am tired. This time change is good (more light) but hard (going to bed on time).

May God have mercy on us.

Insomnia

Now I remember why I dislike time changes.

Lord have mercy.

Lord have mercy

Read this post earlier today.

I recommend reading the whole post from which I am re-quoting from.

Here's the quotation:

"Do not be deceived. A Christian ought himself also so to walk, even as he walked (I John 2:6) who did not seek his own will (John 5:30), but, was born on straw, fasted forty days, watched in prayer long nights through, healed the sick, drove out evil spirits, had no place to lay his head, and who finally let himself be spat upon, scourged and crucified.

Think how far you are from that. Ask yourself continually anew: Have I watched in prayer a single night? Have I fasted a single day? Have I driven out a single evil spirit? Have I unresistingly let myself be insulted and beaten? Have I truly crucified the flesh (Galatians 5:24), and not sought my own will?

Keep all this freshly in mind.

For what is denying oneself? He who truly denies himself does not ask, Am I happy? or, Shall I be satisfied? All such questions fall away from you if you truly deny yourself, for by so doing you have also given up your will for either earthly or heavenly happiness.

This obstinate will to personal happiness is the cause of unrest and division in your soul. Give it up and work against it: the rest will be given you without effort. "

From:

Way of the Ascetics
By Tito Colliander
Chapter Seven:
ON THE TRANSFER OF LOVE FROM THE SELF TO CHRIST

I have been blessed by the quotations that Handmaid Leah puts up. God is so good to us in giving us the Church to guide us.

Lent, nearing end of Week 1

Very busy week.
Canon of St. Andrew 4 parts, 4 nights.

Presanctified tonight.

Wonderful day off shopping and icon hanging yesterday. Finally had time with friends. Sigh of relief.

Studying and other things today and tomorrow.

Work is still hard and I could use prayer.

Lots going on, it is a bit of a blur. I will not have time for many updates to this blog, as it stands at present. I am thankful it is Lent and will try to do what I can and have the humility to accept what I cannot (i.e. be-a-spiritual-superhero-all-in-one-Lent! type of thing). A balance between doing more, doing what is called for but at the same time being responsible to where I am and my other obligations.

Wishing everyone God's abundant mercy.

Lent!

Forgive me a sinner!

I am not sure how much blogging or blog commenting I will do during Lent.

May God give us the grace of repentance during this Holy Season.

Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy!

Have a blessed and fruitful Lent!

May we desire the sweet fragrant flower of humility!

3 down 3 to go

I just submitted Assignment # 3. I am very happy that this is done. The rest of the course will not be as hard, as it is areas I am more familiar with.

It is quite possible that I will need to take an additional course to learn more.

I am feeling a bit more hopeful about learning for my job. Learning the book collection still seems a bit daunting.

Now I need to go on with the day - the usual domestic tasks of dishes, laundry and groceries. Also preparing for vespers and the eve of Lent.

Blessed Lent to everyone!

Lent, soon upon us

Lord have mercy on us.

I feel a mix of anticipation, exhaustion and apprehension.

Lord have mercy on us!

So much can be a mystery or not as we expect it.

My priest has challenged us various times to remember that the Pharisees in their day were the religious elite, who were well versed in Scripture and faithful in all matters related to religious practice. We can know all the rules of the fast, attend all the services and still miss it.

Humility. Praying for a broken and contrite heart. Praying for a willing spirit.

How much my heart needs to be changed. And to not fear such change but to seek it.

Lord have mercy.

May we dwell always in His temple; may His mercy pursue us all the days of our lives; May He forgive us for our blindness and confusion. May we learn to see our brokenness, may we learn to desire humility and the love of God.

God's Goodness

I ordered this Icon from 8th Day Books. It was blessed this past Sunday

and is now in my desk area in my small

corporate library.

It is so encouraging to have Icons in the Work Place.

Astounding in someways.

I am learning more for work and am seeing the fruit of it.

Paper due this Monday. Lots of work to do.

Yet I am feeling relieved.

Was at church yesterday night.

So good.

My icon of St. George is in the Alter area now.

One of my closest friends mailed me an icon of

St. Elisabeth the New Martyr.

God has given me such blessings on the Eve of Lent.

Oh to live more in the light of Great and Holy Pasca!

To be greeted by my spiritual father,

vested in white

on earth

as in heaven:

Pasca.

Remembering Summers Past

I realized that I had no clear memories of my last few summers. So I thought about them - summers since I left B.C.

Here is what I remember:

2004 - summer I was preparing for chrismation. Two part time jobs. Exhausted. New Orthodox friends. Sunday nights late at Krispy Creame past closing with these friends. Garage sales to furnish my 1 room studio that I found late that summer. Chrismated. Moved to London Ontario and began Masters in Library Science. Commonly referred to as Library School.

2005 - finishing a year of intense study for my MLIS. Dreams of a job and what this would be like. That I was wrong in what I thought, I have worked through. Walks with special library friend. Beautiful houses, ice cream, friends. By the end of this summer I was exhausted and struggling. I left my lovely little 1 bedroom tall ceiling apartment forever and moved to Ottawa for Co-op. A few months later I began this blog.

2006 - back in London. So beautiful - green, trees, old well kept houses, walks. Travels to Ottawa twice that summer. Desperate to move back to Ottawa and my new church home in Ottawa. Cleo my Cat and I began our lives together that May (I inherited Cleo from a dear friend who married her allergic-to-cats husband). Wonderful to be in my London church and with my spiritual sister. Extremely exhausted after finishing the semester. Said goodbye to my London church, where I put flowers by so many icons. Pictures of friends near my favourite saints - St. Herman, St. Nicholas, St. Xenia...

2007 - first summer in Ottawa. Began second Library Job in Ottawa. Felt like I was really getting to know Ottawa as a city for the first time. Good friend visited, high tea. Church Picnic by Lake. Memories of walking to services in the warm twilight. How happy I can feel when walking to one of my churches!

2008 - summer where I thought I would start my current Third Library Job. Broke foot in early June. June-July recovering. Church family taking good care of me. Started my job in August. Walking to get Gelato for the first time after the accident. Took time to regain strength. Took more time to get over the sense of panic. Church picnic - sunshine, water, spiritual Father.

I am hoping that this summer will be stable - that I will continue in my job, continue in my church life, and have my first summer in my new apartment with balcony.

May the Lord have mercy.

Work and more work

In the vernacular: I am so getting off this computer ASAP as I have been at a computer most of today for almost 12 hours...

Am really trying to do my best at work. Worked an hour extra. I find that I can resent this. Am working on this part.

Got part of my assignment done tonight. This makes me feel a bit better.

Began my book list learning. This will take a while.

I am taking my vitamins and actually ate broccoli today.

I think I will have to limit my already limited social activity and focus on Lenten services and work. I find this disappointing.

May God be merciful to us in every situation.

Soul Saturdays...Spiritual Mothers and Fathers

It is sunny here.

By the end of the panihida my heart felt light. It is so wonderful to be in Church.

Like many I have a long blog roll in bloglines. One of the blogs I read is Christ is in our Midst by Handmaiden Leah. She has a great post about this Soul Saturday and how Koliva came to the Orthodox church.

My spiritual father spoke afterwards about how Lent is coming, how those who have died and are in Christ know that Lent is coming. They live already in the light of Pasca, but they know spiritually what is going on for us. He reminded us that we are in one Church with them, that they are with us as we journey to Pasca. I know many priests have sensed those priests who have departed this earth still with them in the Altar. It is such a comfort to know also that my loved ones who loved the Lord, including my spiritual mother, are with me in Church.

My spiritual mother was not Orthodox, but now that she is in heaven, she understands. And she loved God on earth and was a strong example of what a Christian woman can be - she prayed for many people, she helped many, she provided a refuge for many to begin deep process of healing through Christ. When she died is when God taught me that the early Church (I was not Orthodox yet) prayed for the dead.

The grief I felt when she died was the most intense I have ever consciously felt. It was like living for three days in an eclipse. I remember being shocked that the sun was shining outside. I felt like my Mother had died. I lived in BC then and she lived in New England. I had no money to go to her funeral. It was months before I went back to New England where she lived. For the first three weeks I kept thinking I saw her coming. I could not imagine that she was not coming down the stairs from her apartment for morning prayers. I could not imagine growing up without her.

Thank God that I now know that, while I cannot call her on the phone, cannot visit or email her, I can still ask for her prayers. Nothing can separate us from the love of God and Christ has trampled down death by death. My spiritual father taught us, some years ago, that in the Holy Spirit we can ask God to tell our Mothers, Fathers and other loved ones that we still love them, that we miss them. They know when we are praying for them. At times I ask a Saint that I am especially close with to relay my love to my spiritual mother.

A very special Orthodox friend, whose spiritual father is departed, still can tell spiritual father things in prayer.

My spiritual father has reminded us that the line between earthly life and the life of those departed is not that great, especially when we are in Church.

I am so thankful for my life here - that I can go to the panihida - that I can DV go back for vespers. Thank God for His Church and His great mercy.

I think I needed the Quiet

My normal Fridays are usually a challenge in the sense that it is a day off and I can go the whole day and night without interacting with other people in person. This can be hard.

Today though I feel a little more rested. I went to my hairdressing establishment; bought groceries, talked to various store workers. (I tend to talk to everyone; the strange thing is that in certain circumstances I am quite shy; it varies; I like most people are complex).

I bought some picture frames; some for on-paper-not-on-wood icons. I replaced the picture frame of the picture of my spiritual mother, who passed away over ten years ago. In time I hope to find a really nice special frame for this picture; but at least now the picture is in a better frame. The glass broke in the old frame a few years ago.

I never was able to do the panihida for my spiritual mother. Looking at my old blog post I am not surprised - moving, flying to Halifax, and new job was a lot to handle. I can tell you first hand that grief is hard, unpredictable and for me takes years. It is odd too - I know I am quite sad about losing my spiritual mother - yet she is the one I grieved the most when she died. Things like finally replacing the picture frame of the picture I take with me everywhere, are hard. The frame seemed part of the picture. Of course it has been in the frame for at least 12 years, so this is understandable.

Becoming Orthodox has really helped me start grieving as a Christian. My spiritual father has affirmed that death is not natural. We are wounded by being in time. When we lose those we love, they are no longer in time and we are separated. This is painful for us, even though we have the hope of God's mercy and of Pasca.

Tomorrow I will, Lord Willing, go to what is sometimes refereed to as a general panihida. During Lent there are various Soul Saturdays where a panihida for all the departed is served. We have little panihida booklets at my church and mine is there waiting.

I also have an Akathist to Jesus Christ For a Loved One who has Fallen Asleep that I purchased at the monastery when I was there last. I need to slowly work through this Akathist.

One book I read the year after my spiritual mother died was A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss. I got this book from my University Library. I am planning on getting my own copy of this book. It really impacted me when I read it ten years ago and I can tell I need to read it again. I have been thinking about this book on and off for weeks now.

I have also been reading, in true librarian style, the book catalogue of 8th day books. I read this for fun. One can learn a lot from reading about books. 8th day books has a very well organized catalogue and can point out a lot of good books for spiritual reading. Of course it is important to remember what my spiritual father has also told me - if he read all the Orthodox books that are published, he would no longer have a spiritual life.

Thank God Lent is coming. God is so good to us.

We must remember

Winter is a time where all seems dry, barren, cold and dark. The days seem to go on endlessly. Winter is when the land must lie fallow. But without the rest and cold of winter, spring does not come.

I had a short but intense conversation with the woman who comes in and waters my plant in my library. She is a Protestant Christian; we spoke of Christ; she reminded me that Christ too felt abandoned - My God my God why have You forsaken me? and I reminded her of how an Angel came and strengthened Christ right before. I asked her, and what came after this? she said He died. and what came after this? He rose again.

Yes, I said. And he promised that we would not be abandoned. That the Holy Spirit would come and would not leave us.

She asked me do you believe in angels?

Yes, I said. I do believe in Angels. They are in the Bible.

And do you believe that sometimes people come and they are Angels? she asked.

I pondered. I believe that God brings people to us; yes.

Shortly after this, she left.

I am often a foolish young woman. I panic and forget God's care. I get overwhelmed in the night and fail to see things as they are. Yet God graces me with so many signs of His care and love.

I must remember, my winters are for a reason. I know so many who are suffering from many different things. We must not give up hope. Not only does summer come again, but Christ's Pasca has come. Oh that we can abide in Christ's life and Pasca in every season.


***********************************************************

Some simple summer pictures:





The above is the summer lake where my Church's picnic was.

My old apartment when a friend came for tea and I dressed up my table accordingly.

Facebook

Did everyone notice this on Facebook?


Terms of Use Update

Over the past few days, we have received a lot of feedback about the new terms we posted two weeks ago. Because of this response, we have decided to return to our previous Terms of Use while we resolve the issues that people have raised. For more information, visit the....

If you want to share your thoughts on what should be in the new terms, check out our group ....Facebook Bill of Rights and Responsibilities....


It is interesting how we influence the media we use.

Tiny Steps

1. prayed this morning
2. went to work
3. tried not to panic. failed.
4. lunch. icons. trying again.
5. worked late until 6 pm. long day. had to order books for the clients I serve. am glad at least that this is getting done.
6. dinner. called friend. friend sick. prayer lists additions.
7. submitted second assignment. relief. at least it is done.
8. realizing that i have to accept imperfection.

Thanking God. Praying that I do not get sick. Taking Zinc +Vit C lozenges for throat. Bought Total1 Vitamins.

More prayer and thanksgiving needed.

Facebook verses Blogger - copyright claims

Mat. Donna alerted me to this change through her blog:

Facebook's license says that they now own ANYTHING/EVERYTHING you put on Facebook and can use your stuff without your permission or knowedge:

"Licenses
You are solely responsible for the User Content that you Post on or through the Facebook Service. You hereby grant Facebook an irrevocable, perpetual, non-exclusive, transferable, fully paid, worldwide license (with the right to sublicense) to (a) use, copy, publish, stream, store, retain, publicly perform or display, transmit, scan, reformat, modify, edit, frame, translate, excerpt, adapt, create derivative works and distribute (through multiple tiers), any User Content you (i) Post on or in connection with the Facebook Service or the promotion thereof subject only to your privacy settings or (ii) enable a user to Post, including by offering a Share Link on your website and (b) to use your name, likeness and image for any purpose, including commercial or advertising, each of (a) and (b) on or in connection with the Facebook Service or the promotion thereof. You represent and warrant that you have all rights and permissions to grant the foregoing licenses.
If you own or control a website, you may place Facebook's share link button, logo and/or text (a "Share Link"), including all trademarks therein, on your website for the sole purpose of enabling users to Post links or content from your website on the Facebook Service. By offering a Share Link on your website, you agree, represent and warrant that you will not place a Share Link on any page containing content that would violate these Terms if Posted on the Facebook Service. The rights granted in this paragraph may be revoked by us at any time in our sole discretion, and upon such termination, you will immediately remove all Share Links from your website.
Submissions
You acknowledge and agree that any questions, comments, suggestions, ideas, feedback or other information that you provide to Facebook ("Submissions"), are non-confidential and non-proprietary. Facebook will be entitled to the unrestricted use of any such Submission for any purpose, commercial or otherwise, without acknowledgment or compensation to you."
http://www.facebook.com/inbox/readmessage.php?t=1104495614858&f=1&e=0#/terms.php?ref=pf as seen on February 17, 2009.

Blogger says you own your stuff:

Your Intellectual Property Rights. Google claims no ownership or control over any Content submitted, posted or displayed by you on or through Google services. You or a third party licensor, as appropriate, retain all patent, trademark and copyright to any Content you submit, post or display on or through Google services and you are responsible for protecting those rights, as appropriate. By submitting, posting or displaying Content on or through Google services which are intended to be available to the members of the public, you grant Google a worldwide, non-exclusive, royalty-free license to reproduce, publish and distribute such Content on Google services for the purpose of displaying and distributing Google services. Google furthermore reserves the right to refuse to accept, post, display or transmit any Content in its sole discretion.
You represent and warrant that you have all the rights, power and authority necessary to grant the rights granted herein to any Content submitted.

http://www.blogger.com/terms.g as seen today February 17, 2009

This is serious. Licenses are legally binding and most people are not aware of them at all. I am aware of them as I did licencing for a library. Every database you use in a library is licensed for certain users only, with various restrictions.

I do NOT have online/Internet banking because my Bank's license says I will indemnify them. This means that if I had a complaint that had to come to court, I will pay for their costs and they will not be financially responsible towards me, but I am responsible towards them.

Read licenses - they are important!

I remember why...

....I was glad to be done with school. I feel constantly behind on school work when it is not all done. I am not actually behind, but see how much work has yet to be finished.

Tonight though I am finishing early and trying to relax. Tomorrow begins a much shorter work week (today was a provincial holiday and I studied instead of going to work).

May the Lord continue to help us.

This Day

Have been up since around 5 AM. To do well in this day:

1. fish sandwich. fruit. nuts. bread. water.
2. baptism at noon - yay church! and yay taxi to get me there in time over lunch hour.
3. no A/C in tall building at work on weekend. Fans and summer clothes with winter evening going to vespers clothes in bag.
4. prayers and encouragement of others
5. God's mercy

Speaking of and to America

I really appreciate Fr. Jonathan's blog. My blog friends know this. I especially love when he writes about America that is beyond the commercial TV Mall consumerist America, but not by ignoring that this is part and parcel of what America is. I articulate poorly I am sure.

If you appreciate literature, good thought, and commitment to the Gospel and Orthodoxy, I recommend his latest post.

Small Update

I have begun work in earnest to begin learning what I need to learn. I understand why I need to learn it. It is going to be a very steep learning curve. I am going to need to work a lot. One step at a time.

I have been eating nuts at work. Need to continue considering how to best feed myself during this time. Victoria suggested spirulina*- I went to a pharmacy in search of a vitamin and discovered that spirulina is a natural food product. I asked the very professional young pharmacist about it and learned that it is blue algae and is noted for it's protein. It is comparable to dairy and beef in protein; it costs more than either of these, FYI. The pharmacist let me use the book on natural products - similar to the CPS - the blue book of drug information (Compendium of Pharmaceuticals and Specialties). I am such a librarian aren't I? ! :)

I think I am going to look into this more. If others have suggestions on things for food/energy, I would be happy to hear them!

Well. I have to work again tomorrow. Am going to a Baptism "over lunch"... a lovely young woman from my parish is being baptised at noon! As it is over the lunch hour, I can go... ! Kind of funny, but wonderful to.

I guess I am in a learning curve also to balance added studies to my work, church, Lent, and still caring for myself and my Cat.

It is going to be a lot of learning. Did I mention that I asked my patron Saint Irene a few years ago to help me grow up? This explains a lot of what is going on now.

Thanks again everyone for your comments, prayers and understanding.

*I linked to wikipedia for spirulina but please realize that as this is a vitamin/natural medicine I would never recommend Wikipedia as a final authoritative source. It is useful however for getting a good overview. It was clear from the entry itself that there may be errors in it or are conflicting information.

Here Again

Just a quick update - I feel a lot of better - lots of prayers, tears and honest heart searching over a photocopy machine.

I continue to be in a huge life transition. I am still often afraid. I know one of the things I am battling is fear and how to best manage my life.

I feel that I must "make the grade" in this job or I will cease to be a librarian. It would take a long time to explain what I mean, as the library world is quite unfamiliar to most people. But I must learn what I need to learn.

It is going to be hard. Hard on many levels. But I have come to far to give up. There is no one (save God and His ways) financially supporting me. I do not come from a family that has money to lend me - the money is not there. I have school loans, rent to pay, etc.

And I don't have training other than being a librarian. And to be honest I am not a multi-talented person who can easily shift from one profession to another.

So. I am going to have to work harder. And try to cook well too, so I have the energy I need to do the work.

Anyway. That's how it stands. I pray that God will help me and that I can do my best. Thank you for your prayers.

Difficult Situations

My day was hard.

I am asked to do more and more. I work 4 days. This means I have 4 days (not 5) to do the work.

I am also asked to learn more and more (beyond just my outside of work online class). I honestly feel that my boss was saying that if I do not learn the various things (outside of work hours) within a few months time, that I am in direct jeopardy of losing my job. And she is expecting my online course to be done perfectly and for me to totally understand it all.

Yeah.

Please pray for me.

And please pray for my place of work, they need prayer too. I find that I care about them. When you are a librarian to a smaller group of people, you slowly get to know who they are. They are people and I care about them as people... they live and work in a corporate world that is really difficult...

Thanks for your prayers.

Piece by Piece, Little by Little

Tomorrow is the big day. Well okay one of them. Day of dreaded work evaluation. Meeting new person day, meeting boss day, social day, maybe work lunch day. Most of this is not bad. And my paper for class, which I freaked out about last night, is further along than I thought.

Would welcome prayers. I know I am a highly sensitive person who is learning not to panic at work. BTW, this book and others may be good to read if you think you are either a highly sensitive person or if you are a parent, if you think you child/ren may be.

Anyway. Lots to do and learn. Ironically, about the book, highly sensitive person ... I never did finish reading it. I still recommend it, but of course was reading it a few years back when I was overwhelmed and had to stop taking in new information. Oh the ironies of life. I should finish the book, as the purpose of it is not to merely affirm or define what a highly sensitive person is but to show the HSP how to thrive while still being themselves.

Here are things that are helping me cope this week (not in any order really):

1. trying to not panic - for me this involves a lot of self-talk that is not negative, a lot of encouragement, and trying to keep things in perspective. This is hard and I am working on it.

2. I made one of my best vegetable soups this week - potatoes, carrots, zucchini, green beans, basil, garlic, onion, tomatoes, oil, Parmesan cheese. I add tortilla chips when I am eating it - adds crunch and it needed a bit more salt...

3. I have yummy organic white cheddar cheese and crackers. And boiled eggs and grapes. Good work snacks. Thanks again to those who gave suggestions on this!

4. My Mother is praying for me. Others are praying, including some beloved church friends and my loved blog friends. (Thank you.)

5. Special prayers in icon corner.

6. I have meds to help me sleep now - my insomnia is slowly getting better!...after a very long time. Walking up at 6 AM instead of 2 or 4 AM makes a huge difference. My sleep is still variable, but at least I can say it is improving.

7. Being thankful and remembering that I have a lot of blessings in my life.

I admit to being worried that I am getting sick again - so I am also trying to take it as easy as possible in the midst of a more intense work week.

Cozy Home - Pictures

I had two lovely friends over on Friday for tea.

Here are two pictures I took before they came:

The silver candle holders I bought at an antique store in Halifax.

The larger candle holder my Mom found

at a garage sale a few years back.

Like my new dining table and 4 chairs? IKEA.

I am really pleased with them.

The table has an extra leaf stored

under the middle of the table,

to sit six people.

I bought the place mats while

I was in Halifax as well.

I do not have a lot of my decorations out yet.

However, here are two that I do have lovingly on display!

My dear friend E-H gave me these two little

handmade Dutch dolls this summer.

I love them there on my little table!

I bought the dusty pink table cloth also

in Halifax over Canadian Thanksgiving.

I was in Halifax for my spiritual big sister's wedding,

at St. George Greek Orthodox Church.

For Christmas I received a lovely poster (from an Icon Museum)

of St. George.

My friend took this picture today,

before I gave the poster

to another friend to be mounted.

This icon I am going to DV have above

my buffet in my dining room area.

I have a lampada from the monastery

that I hope to use for this icon.

St. George please pray for us!

Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy!

And then I went to Church

I love Saturday vespers.

Today nothing seemed to work out - well - a few things did - but the weather was damp and bone-chilling and a lot of my plans went wrong.

So... my paper for my class is not done.

It is due in a week, but next weekend is the famed kind of dreaded work-over-valentines-day weekend.

It is a daily battle for me not to panic. I often fail.

But then I go to church. And then was blessed by my spiritual father. And then went out to dinner with two good friends. And now I am home with my Cleo Cat. Have chopped vegetables for a good energy-giving soup.

And I had friends over for tea yesterday. Laundry done and work clothes ready for the week.

Even better - Lord willing I will be in church again tomorrow. We have new Icons and I am overcome with their beauty; so comforting.

Would appreciate prayers (please!!) as this work week is going to be challenging - doing a work project - and working extra hours - etc.

Thank God for His Church and His mercy.

Paws Off

So one of my Dad's sayings is 'get your paws off (whatever it is)'. One of his endearing loving sayings that I enjoy.

So I was washing dishes tonight and there was my Cleo Cat, who has learned about how to explore my new dining room table (the chairs are more conducive to Cleo climbing, much to her delight).

Imagine my surprise when I heard myself say, "Cleo, get your paws off the table!" and realize I had literally just told a Cat to get her front paws off the table.

Anyway. I was amused and thought I would share. My cat really is sweet company for me! I am thankful.

Peaceful easy feeling, already on the ground

I woke up this morning - late! The sun was shining, my Cleo Cat was fussing and sure enough, I forgot to set my alarm!

I wish I could dscribe how I felt - had slept better than I had in a long while and felt quietly cheered. Like waking up when I was a child, peaceful and secure.

Worry is a big struggle of mine, which I am learning to battle in new ways. One of the prayers I prayed while walking to work when anxiety hit was

Lord, You are the Ground of My Being.

This prayer comes from my memory of the verses in Acts where St. Paul speaks of God in similar terms.

The Eagle's song came to mind as I woke up slowly in a sunlit light blue room, with my cat and Icon Wall near by. And I knew the only reason I felt a Peaceful Easy Feeling is because I am already standing on solid ground.

The Lord is the ground of my being.

Quiet Day

I was thankful that I had a quiet no-emergency-reference-question/s day. I am still dizzy (esp. with the residual congestion from my head cold) and this is tiring.

Question of the hour: I am looking for some simple healthy energy-giving snacks to have at work. Would love suggestions. So far my only answer is to have a stash of nuts at work, and maybe dried fruit. Any thoughts?

On the pass the blog post on front (I am a librarian!), Fr. Stephen's post was lovely to read. He has various posts recently about anger from various perspectives. Take a look and while your at it, you can see the other posts he wrote recently. (That is if you are not already one of his regular readers!)

Lunch and homework

I practically live online now days. As a librarian and as a blogger. The library course I am taking is really helping me understand more, I am glad about this.

Just felt like mentioning, before I brave the snow to go to the Univeristy Library to do work for my class.

I am still so glad that the bus strike is over; as far as I know, most of my blog readership is outside of Ottawa, so you may not realize how hard this was for us here.

People lost jobs. People lost their businesses. I saw elderly people with canes walking in the snow. Many people I work with had to begin their workday at 6 or 7 AM or they would not get a parking spot (they normally take the bus and car traffic went up 20% which sounds like a small number, but it made a HUGE difference).

There are so many stories of suffering because of this bus strike that happened in the middle of various snow storms. It is hard for us as a city to forgive the city government and the buses/union for buses for belabouring this strike to over 50 days.

Of course we must forgive and I know, as a Christian, I must pray for my city.

Hope for Ottawa

The bus strike has ended!!!!!!!

As someone at work commented - the real reason it will end soon is because Obama is coming to Ottawa on February 19.

It would of looked really bad if the city could not even end a bus strike. And imagine the traffic jams.

(FYI for those who may not know, Ottawa is the capital of Canada).

I talked to a really good friend tonight. My heart feels a lot lighter now. I have to be disciplined and do homework tomorrow.

Question I am thinking about:

I walk to work and the winter coat that I bought last year (first one I ever bought) is not long, as in down-to-the-knees-long and at times I have been so cold** when I walk to work (or church).

Should I try to find a new one on sale or should I tough it out?

Any thoughts?

**or I should say my legs have been cold; the rest of me is usually fairly warm as I have a good shorter winter coat, wear gloves under my mittens and two scarves. It gets cold here, so that minus 11 degrees Celsius feels warm.

is it just me, or...

I am tired tonight. Yet I find myself resisting going to bed early. What do I think I am missing by leaving my quiet living room with my cat to pray and sleep? (Why must I finish my dishes, or why must I read just a few more pages in a book?)

Does anyone else do this, I wonder?

God's love

Lots of people, understandably, like Fr. Stephen Freeman's blog. I am one of them. In case you do not normally read him, may I recommend his new post Loving an Angry God.

Fr. Stephen places a lot of importance on understanding the love of God. This is an area I have a lot to learn more about.

I have known for years that if I can learn to live in the reality of God's love, I would live a radically different life.

I pray that I am learning and will learn this. I am young and inward growth takes a lot of time. Thank God then for the gift of now, the time we have.

How I do homework

A little at a time. Today I am finishing up my first assignment - really not too bad - just three questions, two pages worth of writing. I do have to learn how to be a librarian in the corporate field.

My work is going better, but I think we are going to have a very significant library project to do in about two weeks. I may be working the whole weekend, save when I am in Church. It is a one time only project, and that is how it is. But I am trying not to worry about it.

It was funny - I got the Protestant sweet Sunday school song in my head when I was walking back home after lunch (yes, I get to walk home for lunch!) this is the day that the Lord has made, we must rejoice and be glad in it. And it was exactly what I needed to do!

Anyway. I really do have to finish up the assignment so I can email it in to the prof. today.

First though - isn't this one of the cutest new pictures of Cleo my cat???

She loves sitting on my new dining room chairs. I notice that she sits esp. on the two I sit in the most - one for eating, and the other side of the table for blogging (or, um, I mean doing homework).

And here she is, surprising me by looking over the back of the chair ...

It's all going to be alright

As I was standing in church for vespers tonight, I felt relieved. Yes, my life is not what I thought it would be. Yes, my ideals have been challenged, shattered and changed. Yes, life is hard.

I remembered how when I was even younger, I had a full list of what I thought I would do for the next ten years.

THANK GOD that nothing on that list happened. My ideas and ideals for my life, as someone very young in the faith, do not often match what God has for me.

I can say that how things have worked are better than what I would of planned.

So I am left not, as I would of thought years ago, if my ideals were shattered and I became increasingly aware of the fact, with wreckage. Or not a wreckage that is irredeemable!

The Church gives the foundation for how to live; my local church and the monastery I visit also give direction.

I have to seek to do as I was taught and see what my life is now, for what it is, instead of what I thought it would be.

I feel in ways like a young child, exploring a new place for the first time.

This is my life now; may God show me how, and give me the willingness, to live it.

More on where we find ourselves

Yesterday I wrote on how we cannot escape damaging our world, based on an essay by Sherrard. Also touched on was how my ideals were wrong and/or have been changed. I wrote on the brokenness that I see in myself and in the world.

Today I want to explore where I went wrong (from what I can see anyway). Years ago when I was reading books such as M Beattie’s Co-dependant no more and the popular for a year or so Simple Abundance (I still own both books and do not disrespect the authors). However, one, Beattie’s books are honest and I feel that Simple Abundance was not. One author had gone through hell and the other author (of Simple Abundance) was denying her personal hell, though they were hinted at in her book and totally opened in her second book. I hurt for her, when I read in her second book how her marriage dissolved, how she totally remade herself again and for the pain I felt radiating from this second book. Somewhere, between reading these books and my own ideas intertwining with these books (I still believe in some independence of thought and that we are not mere constructs thinking imbibed only from current culture), I came up with an image of who I wanted to be.

Now I see how immature my ideas were, dear and young as they are. Not that I am now mature and know it all, rather the opposite. At a mere 32 years of age, I can say less and less about final things, save that I have found a Church that has withstood time, a lot of nonsense, evil and still can be found to give healing.

My current conclusions:

We cannot merely remake our worlds on an aesthetic, material and physical level and think we are okay. If you have been reading my blog, you know how excited I am about my new furniture. If you know me well in person, you know I dress professionally for work, that I wear long skirts with pants (grin) to church in the winter and, when in church, cover my head. If you have been to my house (or read my blog) you know I have a lot of icons, a few prayer books and other Orthodox books. I have made decisions on how I interact with my world, just as you have made decisions on how you present yourself in your world.

We can have a perfectly intact house, be up on popular culture, wear the latest clothes, have the right things, religious or semi-religious (some would consider the organic life, the Moosewood cookbook, and lulu lemon to be nearing this if they were honest) and be totally broken inwardly. We can even be so broken that we do not know we are broken. We can be in church and not pray; we can burn incense at homes by icons and be totally self-absorbed. (Being in church, praying at home with Icons and reading Orthodox books can help us participate in our salvation. This is however not the issue I am dealing with in this essay).

Redecorating our house, learning yoga or pilates, and eating well can help us. Being aware of our body and breathing can help us (might I mention that yoga that includes Hindu prayers I find to be spiritually dangerous). Exercise, eating well and being balanced in our care for our bodies and emotions are good. Living in a beautiful orderly house can give the feeling or impression of inward sanity.

But if this is all we have, we are fooling ourselves. This is where I went wrong.

Somehow I fell for a lie that if we had our lives looking a certain way, with certain things I could really have it made. No. We cannot save ourselves. We can, for a time, maintain a certain image of who we are (until physical aliments, or senility strike) but we cannot save ourselves. We cannot even become content or happy without help (or at least I cannot). A job and money, so I have learned in my post-student days, cannot take away an inward anxiety that comes from deeper causes.

This is the realization I am currently at. I, and others, are broken; we are in need of great healing. I have also realized that I cannot use my life as example to help others (God can use broken beings including me but I am talking about myself here, not God’s ability).

So where am I left?

For now: two things – one more questions about how I should live my life.

Two – hope in God. A God who, as Fr. Schmemann writes in his book, Great Lent¸ gave us Pasca. With the understanding that Christ’s resurrection changed everything. With the prayer that we will gain inward healing, with a prayer for God’s mercy for the world.

Questions of self, meaning, and how God saves us where we are

I have been mulling over something for a few weeks; in some ways this has been on my mind for months.

I am in my early thirties now; when I was in my earlier twenties I had many ideals. I would be creative, I would become an English professor, I would have something meaningful to say to others, I would be able to point to the Salvation of the World. Frankly that is what most people want, is it not? To have a meaningful life, to explain that life, to have others wish to emulate that life; that seems to be the point of many blogs or one of the points. To have a life worth living seems to mean to many to have a life worth copying.

Let me try to explain what I mean; or at least show you. How to show you though? Well perhaps it comes from family pressure to always be a ‘witness’ that is common enough in Protestant circles; and if Christ is who He is and I believe He is, then Christ is worth pointing others toward.

It could be that I had things turned around or that I currently have things turned around or both and later I (with divine intervention) will get them straitened.

Here is where I am going towards – ideals and how one thought the world would work. I think I was simply wrong. Years ago I read a lot of books, tried to really work on inward growth. And somehow I have grown, at least in some ways. Though this past year has been such a challenge, I feel like many of the areas of growth I thought I had “covered” were unearthed, kicked around and open to the glaring sun of unfinished work, unfinished self and various inward confusions. Regardless of what may be happening now, I used to dream of having things “together”, becoming self-confident, self-assured, able to take on the world and be on top of things.

Now I wonder instead if that ideal was not at all what I was supposed to be going towards. Professionally it seems that this must be the ideal; I have a long way to go here. But personally and inwardly it seems that this ideal must be shed. But I am not sure now or what is to take its place.

Here is an example of what I am seeking to explain – in the fall a lady I know, a priest I respect and I read through an article by Philip Sherrard. We read it over the course of two or three weeks and discussed it. The article, from what I remember, explained how centuries ago it was possible to flee the world and not be part of the world’s destruction. His article went on to discuss how this was no longer possible. We are now too ensnared and entangled to not participate in the destruction of the world. Environmentally it is impossible – we fly in planes, ride in cars and buses, use computers, use electricity. No matter how hard one may try to reduce one’s “carbon footprint”, etc. we cannot fully do it. We may try to flee the world, shouting that we are against big business. But without big business the computer you are reading this on and the one I am using would not be here.

Sherrard’s only answer to this was the liturgy; that the only life-giving moment that can change anything is Christ’s Eucharist.

And Sherrard acknowledged that even the celebration of Communion is often tainted now, even within the Orthodox Church. His article was not easy reading.

It seems like the only answer though. Christ’s blood shed and partaken by us, who often are more dead than alive or mere shells of what we were made to be.

For the rest of it, I am not sure what to think. A lot of it was faulty advertising that I fell for. Not that I do not have thousands and thousands of things to be thankful for; I have a job, housing, nice things, a family and options. Perhaps I should read more Walker Percy; his novels articulate the realization of human’s brokenness and a sense that there should be or is more to life than what we often have.

Sometimes we just have to wait, hope and stand silent, asking the God who we have seen, touched and heard to have mercy on us.

The Sinus

One of my favourite mystery writers is Anne George; I read a lot of mysteries. She introduced me to the state of Alabama and some of the local cultural feel of the South.

I am sorry she only wrote 7 mystery books before she passed away. One of her books her character gets what, according to this book, is called The Sinus. Well, I believe I have it now, much to my dismay. The "wake up with a swollen sore throat, my teeth hurt and I cannot look at direct light too long" Sinus.

A good friend brought me soup, grapefruit and cookies. I am grateful.

I think I am going to go find one of my Anne George books now...

Cozy Cat and Dishes

When I am talking to my friends about my new apartment the themes are: books and dishes!

First a picture of my Cat and her first Cat Nap on my new sofa bed:

And my pretty dishes - the tray and tea pot, sugar & creamer my Grandma and I found last year when we went antiquing. Don't they look darling on my buffet? It is exactly what I was looking for - a darker colour with a 'old world country' look. The Royal Albert tea cup was from my dear roommate in my undergraduate days and her parents. Next to it is a humble little cup my Grandmother and I found on our first antiquing venture, for my 25th birthday 7 years ago.

The blue dishes are ones I found with my Mother (If I remember correctly) down the street from my parents house! All of them were selling for 5 dollars. They are beautiful, vibrant and I wish I could get a complete set!! They are an ironstone from Japan.

Lastly, a lovely small teaspoon holder, from Holland. It is real Delft; my Mother gave this to me for Christmas this year. A perfect gift; she found it at an estate sale! I love gifts like these the best. To add to the gift, she gave me teaspoons to go in it from her collection. A lot of these spoons her Mother, my Oma, gave to her years ago. And so it is passed now to me. Once I get more settled, I think I will put some of these spoons in another place, so it is not as crowded.

I will have to have another post sometime to show you my Grandmother's set of dishes that she gave me years ago! I had them stored carefully in boxes under my bed in my parent's house for at least ten years before I had a place for them. As a student I knew I could not afford to move the dishes and I was too transient. It is a dream come true to have a one bedroom apartment with space for a buffet with glass doors for my dishes!

I thank God for His goodness shown in this. I do not deserve such kind thoughtfulness more than anyone else (I wish everyone could have pretty things). So, I am thankful.