A simple list on this quiet day

Here are the latest lovely things:

1. I turned 30. yesterday (!); had a wonderful day with friends in person and on the phone
2. Today I rested, put things in my house and made a list for groceries… more to do, but I feel lethargic…
3. My cat Cleo (just thought I would mention her)
4. I am so grateful that God exists; I need the hope He brings…

Christmas.

Here’s the list:

1. My Oma turned 98 Christmas eve, I was there
2. My family really loves me; I was comforted
3. It was three years ago Christmas day that I vowed that unless God stopped me, I was going to become Orthodox
4. Three years later I was back in a protestant church for Christmas and could see why I vowed to become Orthodox
5. I love my family; I wish they could experience the Church as I do, but they have no idea or understanding of the difference
6. I came back feeling like my soul had run a marathon; I feel more rested now
7. God has blessed me so much, I must remember and always give thanks

Thank God it is almost Christmas

nothing more to say than that. Merry Christmas.

Young Samuel

The boy who I wrote of, and prayed for, along with many others, died last weekend. He is buried in the cemetery next to the elementary school I went to; the funeral home I have been too more than once; the church I grew up in is where is funeral was.

How bitter a sorrow this is; 3 siblings, parents; they lost their youngest son and brother.

Pray for them; he had only been sick a month and just a literal few days before his 6th birthday, God took him home… and pray for young Samuel; Memory Eternal.

thoughts written from/on my kitchen table

I wrote the comment below on Stacy’s blog (http://theloveofgodismadness.blogspot.com/) …

It is a challenge; sometimes I think that if one does not find their mate in school, or if they do not show up at church, it is really hard to find one at all… I seem to have three distinct groups of friends:

Christians who are single and are not dating (I only know of one friend who may be going into the dating stage)
Christians who are married
My non-Christian friends are more diverse, but in general they have someone they consider a partner or have just broken up with one… their lives are very different in this area, as their beliefs are quite different than the Christians I know and have as my friends…

Anyway, here’s the comment:



As I sit in the quiet of the morning, in my kitchen... I am not sure what to say, but I think there is some real validity to this.

sometimes life circumstances themselves lead to this catch-22... for me I have a MLIS (a master for librarians to be librarians) and am slowly building a professional career. a lot of my goals are happening: I have the apartment now, the cutest Cat Cleo, am living in the city I desired, going to the orthodox church that is my home, ...

and I know, at least at church, according to my friends there, I appear home-like, as in apple crumble or Neapolitan ice cream. I love to cook, love home stuff, but...

I still have found no one to marry etc. so I guess the one thing that I am not sure about is the softness issue;

I think a lot of it also has to do with what one wants; what is non-negotiable...

for me I would need a faithful orthodox Christian, one who reads, thinks and is intelligent. and education and job actually may be an issue. I find it a really strange thing to think that I would be making more than my potential husband. esp. when I would not want to feel that I have no choice but to work FT... or work at all, when the potential kids were young.

it creates real challenges.

the other challenge is that as those who are SWANS who have made a place for themselves and who are passing or have passed their 20's and may not want to move and start a new life somewhere else... (location seems to be an issue, the more non-negotiables, the less people in an area who would match/fit...)

I would be interested in reading the book about this that was mentioned in the end of the article...

Lots going on but nothing to say

That is how I feel I guess. I think of things to write, but not when I have time to write them.

I will write about this though…

I am praying for a little almost 6 year old boy Samuel from MI, a family I have not met, but who live behind my grandma’s house and go to my parents’ church. He has leukaemia and an infection from a bone marrow surgery was taking over…

We had a moleben for St. Nektarious and I asked for his prayers for Samuel later that night as I found out after the service about him from my mother. Today I heard that his fever broke…

I am praying more often for Nadia as well, who suffers greatly from cancer, now…

St. Nektarious, pray to God for us…

The latest

Well. In a lot of ways, not much new to report. I need to start applying again for jobs, my house is slowly (very slowly it feels) gaining order. There has been so much unpacking to do!

I am very happy to be in my little church; it is still a miracle, being there, seeing my spiritual father, being somewhere more stable.

I struggle with feeling unstable though with only having the contract I have not until the end of January. I just have to trust God with all of this…

I am still really happy with my apartment and I still love my cat Cleo lots!

I have been reading the Psalms and other things, and this, along with church, give me the sustenance that I need to keep on going…

In Ottawa

Well. Today I found a table at the side of the road! A little one, that goes just right beside my oven in my very cool but still very messy kitchen!

I have been tired still, but am on the mend. May I say that I love my apartment. It practically pains me to leave it for work, I love the quietness of it…

I have been reading (began again, from the beginning) PD James’ autobiography _time to be in earnest_ and have really been enjoying it. I really appreciate her writing.

Well. I have been home since about 1.30 today and it is almost time for vespers. I was hoping to do more in my house, but have gotten some things done, and that is good… I am already looking forward to next weekend though; this Saturday there was a morning liturgy that I went to; I really just want a full day at home…

I may really be back, this time

I just read lots of blog feeds – catching up as I have not been online much since August. It has been an intense time for me.

London and finishing my MLIS was very exhausting. I did not yet know if I would have a job or when I would have a job; I just knew I desperately wanted to return to Ottawa and begin building a life. God was gracious and let me have a lot of august to pack. I was extremely exhausted and slept a lot, and still did not feel better. Packing was difficult—the apartment overwhelmed me with the chaos of boxes, and all my things; a church friend had tea with me, one who is close to my heart and loves Elizabeth Goudge, and she spoke of God’s peace in the centre of the storm… this was the thread that kept me afloat…. I remember being alone a lot, in that apartment, with my cat, trying to pack up my belongings. I had never packed them up before and not known when I would unpack them again. Wrong or right, I had long thought of my belongings as making my home, and as I long for home, packing things up without knowing when I would have my own little place again was difficult. I remember singing songs to God, feeling like I was slowly drowning, or standing on an island singing, knowing that the water was slowly encroaching the land, slowly covering it all, sinking…

God held on to me and on the morning of August 31 I packed my icons and my uncle came and took all of my things and I went exhausted to a dear friend’s house. I felt out to Ottawa 2 days later with my cat and began a month long journey of living with a special family from my Ottawa church. By then I knew I had an interview after the long labour day weekend and had studied MLIS literature for it on my last full day in London. By the following Wednesday I had word that I had the job. This was a busy time – once I knew I had the job, I went shopping. Replenished my work wardrobe and replaced clothes that were literally falling apart. I bought things for my future apartment. I had one week to find an apartment and thankfully God gave me a great one.

I moved in Sunday October 1st, with the invaluable support and help of the family I was living with and also of beloved church mouse and cathedral dweller. I was already working full time and began taking French classes. I was so exhausted that I would fall asleep upon arriving to my apartment… God kept holding on and I was able to slowly unpack my Ottawa belongings (I admit to owning a lot of things and many more were coming later on). The turning point was when, after a long time, a month and a week, I finally had an Icon corner again. I am making my small little sitting room a little prayer room and most of my icons are going to be in this room.

Then I had a crazy week, just last week. I struggled with insomnia, wrote a test to see if I get screened in for a first interview for a permanent job (my contract ends January 26), and had my family come with all my belongings. Various wonderful people from my church helped me move (and commented that I sure had a lot of belongings!). After this my family decided to drive all night back to London.

This weekend was one of the best of my whole year. I was with my parents, sister, aunts and an uncle. I graduated, had dinner with many of those I was closest too in my London church, and got to be in my aunt and uncle’s old yellow brick roomy wood-filled house. I flew back, tired of course (who would not be if they got in on Saturday at 5 am) to Ottawa, grabbed a taxi and was home in time to walk to vespers. (My rule for going to church is that if I am able to walk, I go to church, so I went to church).

This past week I was still quite tired from the busy last weekend. Work is very demanding and my weeknights were full of unpacking (especially my dishes; I am in a long line of dish-loving women, my Great-Grandmother, Grandmother, Mother, and many Aunts, both sides of the family). Today will be full as well. I hope to go to IKEA and then take a taxi back. Then another friend from church is planning on coming to help me put together the shelf unit (portable pantry for my kitchen) and then I will walk to church, for vespers.

I have been re-reading Gift from the Sea and PD James’ time to be in earnest: a fragment of autobiography. I have been rejoicing that (so far) my apartment and surrounding area has been quiet. It has been over a year now since I stopped listening to most music. This has really helped stabilize me in a past year and a half where I moved 3 times, gained a spiritual father, temporarily lost my Grandfather who feel asleep in the Lord, met many new people, completed my MLIS, did an 8-month co-op and started my first real job. The songs of church often are the songs I hear inside, within me and I think often of my English Professor at TWU who also loves silence….

God is still holding on to me; in the end this is what I hope in:

“For the LORD your God has blessed you in all the work of your hand. He knows your trudging through this great wilderness. These forty years the LORD your God has been with you; you have lacked nothing”

Deuteronomy 2:7

Okay. So it’s been awhile.

Well. All is going amazingly well for me here in Ottawa. It is a dream come true to be back here; on the bus I was thinking how London was like a nightmare for me (no offence to the city of course or those I love there) but Ottawa is home and I am back in my church, and with my church family and spiritual father. This means so incredibly much to me.

My job is going well – my co-op really prepared me well for it and God is giving me a lot of peace in the midst of it.

I move DV into my apartment this weekend! Hopefully on Sunday after church and our church meal…

I have been staying with a great family here and everything is going well.

There are some hard things of course too – someone at my church has cancer and is not doing well. And I love this person. and there are other things.

But yet just to be back, it is enough. More than enough…

Results of the Interview appear positive

It appears that I got the job. It is a 90 day contract... I am so relieved and feel very grateful to God for His timing and provision. Now I am looking for an apartment.

I am staying with a wonderful family from my church and can see God's hand clearly in my life right now; I feel very taken care of and am thankful.

It has been a big transition to be back; a dream come true, but a big transition in a lot of ways. I am very thankful.

A While Since I Last Posted

I am moving to Ottawa. I have an interview this Tuesday at 2 pm (please pray) for a short contract helping to integrate a small library collection into a larger one. I really hope I will have a job soon so I can get an apartment and have my beloved Cat Cleo with me again!

Meanwhile, I am already looking forward to Monday, when I hope to get to sleep in at last…

Yikes

I am working on a cover letter for a position in Ottawa – I had been putting it off – thank God that I realized today that this is the last day to apply. OPPS. I’ve been a bit all over the place…I would have been devastated if I had missed this one!

God has been blessing me – though I do not have any word on job things yet – I have been blessed with a week to pack my belongings and yesterday a good LIS friend of mine sent me an early graduation care package! Wow; it was absolutely perfect – a cozy mystery book, handmade soaps, hand rolled incense, beautiful Indian candle holders (for tea lights), a bath ball (one of those fizzy ones) and a lovely card! I felt loved and noticed – she had each of these things individually wrapped… and it is all so fragrant. Such a lovely surprise. Really encouraging.

Well, back to writing this cover letter. These are never easy to write!!! (And I feel like I am falling asleep sitting here, trying to write it).

Delicious new simple summer meal

I got this recipe idea from a cookbook called the book lover’s cookbook:
(with a little bit of variation on the bread)

fresh sliced Italian, French or Sourdough bread
brush olive oil on top of slices
layer with slices of cucumber,
then a layer of sliced tomato with lemon-pepper sprinkled on top,
then place one slice of Swiss cheese on top of these two layers.
broil for a couple of minutes, until cheese is melted.

Yum!


(Note: I am going on the old calendar for fasting as I hope to be in Ottawa by later august and my church is old calendar)

Finished

I am handing in my last assignment today at 1.30. All of my work for my MLIS degree is now over. In other words, God got me through the last two years and without Him I would of given up, or at least I would have ruined myself in the process…

Now I feel more focused and I am trying to be more aware of God and needing to be in His will … I am officially in the transition between my school-life and my work-life and hope the transition will involve a move and job soon in Ottawa.

Meanwhile I am trying to learn to look to God and praise Him in the midst of great uncertainty.

more about books

i wrote this list for our MLIS Zine... has a few different things than the post i was tagged for...

Books I love:
The Scent of Water by Elizabeth Goudge
The Daughter of Time by Josephine Tey
The Other Side of the Sun by Madeline L’ Engle (I also love her Crosswick Journals and The Young Unicorns)
The Cloister Walk by Kathleen Norris

Anything by:
Agatha Christie
Dorothy L. Sayers (esp. the Lord Peter mysteries)
Amanda Cross
The poets Jane Kenyon, Donald Hall
Annie Dilliard
Madeline L’ Engle

Books I want to read:
Books that trace the changing thoughts of humanity through the decades, centuries
Letters by TS Eliot
Books and Journals by Virginia Woolfe
The picture of dorian grey by Oscar Wilde– found the discussion in influence fascinating
This Ever Diverse pair by Owen Barfield
Writings by Gabriel Marcel
Homilies by John Chrysostom
Sayings of the Desert Fathers

List complied by Elizabeth, August 2, 2006

look! i did my first 'tag' entry; on BOOKS.

Okay—I did the book list that Victoria asked me too. Of course I often went beyond writing about just ONE book. :) Thanks for asking me to do this one Victoria... :)

People I would want to hear from and thus Tag are:

churchmouse Cheryl and cathedraldweller M-Z…

and anyone else who wants to do it and reads this blog (be sure to post a comment so I know to go to your blog)

1. One book that changed your life:

the scent of water by Elizabeth Goudge

2. One book that you’ve read more than once:

the Cloister Walk by Kathleen Norris
the circle of quiet by Madeline L’ Engle (and many others by her, including the young unicorns)

3. One book you’d want on a desert island:

the Bible

4. One book that made you laugh:

I keep thinking of a person from my old church who read Jan Karon’s Mitford series and laughed. For myself… I love calvin and hobbes; does this count?! I find the snobbishness in the joy of cooking deliciously funny; I think I have found the brother cadfael’s books to have made me laugh; I find that I laugh more because I feel that I have found a great book, not because of the humour. On the other hand I have a distinct feeling that I am forgetting about a book that made me laugh that I read in the last few months…

5. One book that made you cry:

green dolphin street by Elizabeth Goudge

6. One book that you wish had been written:

When I read the scent of water I wanted to write a book like it. I must admit that I have never thought, oh, I wish I wrote this book. Rather I think, I like how this author communicates; what do I have to communicate and how to do I find the way best to do so, which may include finding out what I best write and how—this could be summarized as searching for my own authorial voice.

7. One book that you wish had never been written:

I have not really thought about this, or in this way. I guess I am pretty much thinking that things in the past cannot be changed, and so I leave it at this. Besides this, I think it is significant to look at how books effect people’s understanding of the world, so I would rather understand lots of the books of the past and present and see what they fit into to see how the have effected the present.

8. One book you’re currently reading:

miss pym disposes by Josephine Tey
In the Heart of Old Canada by William Wood (published in 1913)


9. One book you’ve been meaning to read:

I have been meaning to finish the stone carvers; and This Ever Diverse Pair by owen barfield; books that explore the thought of the past and how it is influncing things now; I have yet to figure out what to read to explore this further. I am supposed to read The Brothers Karamazov but well, I just could not get into it….maybe I will try again sometime. I rather lack the will power and desire to. (which I know must appear heritical on so many levels). I have started reading the picture of dorian grey and found the concept of influence facinating. I have started also reading volume one of TS Eliot’s letters and someday look forward to reading more Virgina Woolfe; a lot of my Bloomsbury-era books are still in Michigan. I also want to read a bit more of May Sarton, esp. her journals, maybe one of her novels (I have not tried them yet) and have so many other books that are still in Michigan… sigh. I think G. Marcel would be a good one to read too; well. So much for that! And eventually I am going to need to read a bit more theology; though I have no idea what…

Phone Calls

I have gotten a cell phone, while I was in Ottawa, for job searching etc (to have an Ottawa phone number). Today I was in my last consumer health class and my phone lit up (it was on silent) with an Ottawa number calling. My heart dropped and rose all at once; of course I could not take the call. I did Google the number and tried the GEDS directory and also Canada411, and double-checked the job agency numbers I am going though, all to no avail. So after class I called them back, left my name and number and invited them to call back and I would be happy to take their call. It was Public Works verifying my address change (they had an old one on file and I was not sure how to change it). So this was good – they have the right contact information – but wow. I was really hoping it was a call for an interview! This waiting, though it is not killing me, it is hard at times.

I have one assignment left and I am packing my house this coming week. My little London church’s feast day is this weekend and the Bishop is coming. I have not met this Bishop yet, and it is strange for me as I plan on relocating to Ottawa in a matter of weeks, Lord Willing and feel my life is at my Ottawa church, which means a different Bishop. Hmmm. My life, it is vaguely complicated I think. Though complications, sometimes, can be fun.

I am doing a lot of trusting and praying about the fact that I do not have a place to live yet for one month’s time and no job yet; just a city I love and a church that feels like home…

(Not that I think moving to Ottawa will solve all problems, actually I am aware that this will not be the case; however I have found a place with good transportation, various friends and a church that has become home).

Many thoughts, not a lot of time

I have a paper due tomorrow, have not started it yet—I applied for a job that was last minute in posting and it took most of yesterday. I finally got almost all of the bursary that I was promised in June and I am very grateful to God for this. There is so much for me to do right now with job and school stuff.

Overall I am feeling much better than I have since I left Ottawa in May; of course being in Ottawa for 10 days helped! I really felt like I had come home and it was so good to be in my church again. I am anxious to have a job so that I can get an apartment and begin my life in Ottawa in earnest.

I am trusting God as I feel that I cannot do much else than what I am doing now…

In Ottawa

It was a wonderful weekend of being back in my church; it really is like my home now. I think I am still in a bit of shock that I actually am back; wow. Tears did come down face in vespers and liturgy. Sometimes a head covering can be a good thing for privacy when returning to church. I kept telling my friends I am staying with currently that I feel like I have been living in an alternate universe, while I am at school. It is strange to know that for the summer I am in a different city, apartment and am back in the role of student hood.

Meanwhile I am working on making a brochure for my consumer health class and am slowly doing some job things. I have an interview that does contracts for librarians tomorrow at 1 pm. All Prayers Welcome!

Oh, and speaking of prayer, my former priest in London Ontario who retired last September, Fr. Gregory, has been diagnosed with throat cancer -- the growth in his throat appeared in 4 weeks, the 4th week being so large that he could barely swallow. David P. will remember him from his time there last fall while he was studying in Ontario.

Please pray.

And please if you can pray for my friend Meredith too; she is a young mother with cancer in her back.

Even if you just pray today, while you are reading this, that is significant.

I am thankful to God that we can support each other in prayer.

Here to say

Well. Someday, I say, someday: I will be more grown up than I am right now. I would say Lord Willing [DV] but I believe this is indeed what God is quite willing to do within me. I look forward to this; when I handle stress better, when I can be aware of myself and my needs (being centred) and by so doing (and getting better at it) being able to be more present to others. Perhaps I am mixed up in this, but as of yet I do not think so.

Sometimes I think if I knew what I wanted or needed than I would be quicker to know what I am to do in various circumstances. Of course this only works if I remember what the main goal is – to be untied with Christ.

To be honest I have yet to learn how to do this in my daily life, when I am at school working or worrying; I do pray, sometimes, and beg for mercy, but union with Christ; constant and continual abiding in Him and living in His presence regardless of where I am: wow. I have not even begun.

Lord have mercy and please ‘grow me up!’

Better

I took a ‘mental health morning’ and rested, talked to my sister, finished re-reading an Amanda Cross novel and went into school this afternoon.

Now I am tired and finishing a paper. I am really quite exhausted. I am going to Ottawa – it has worked out – and I look forward to this.

I read a blog entry from a person in Baghdad; so much unbelievable tragedy. I thought of them and prayed…

Makes my littler worries seem little indeed.

Stress Level High

Well. I am hoping to go to Ottawa but now I do not know for sure if I can go; I feel in such an unstable place and do not know what to do!

I am slowly working on a paper, meanwhile. It is so hard to get everything done when in school; I am tired and longing for a greater stability in my life.

Ironic, as really so much of my life is so good, esp. when one thinks of all of the people in the world who are suffering…

How is it that my (and other classmates) stress levels can be so high and yet we still have it so good?!

Jane Kenyon’s Husband

I just found out that my favourite poet’s husband (my favourite poet being Jane Kenyon, who has passed away from leukemia in 1995) Donald Hall, another one of my favourite poets and essayists, is the US poet laureate this year. I am very pleased. I read about it in a two page article in the New York Times, published today, July 6 06. (Sorry I am not bothering to find out how to link to it). (Note: I am not in anyway trying to take away from Donald Hall himself by refering to him as Jane Kenyon's Husband; actually Jane was often, as I have read, referred to as Donald Hall's wife, instead of poet, as Donald is older than she and had published first).

There is two lovely pictures in the article; one of many of the books in his New England home; I immediately felt the sense of “yes, this is what I want”… an old feeling place, with a bit of austere New England, and books everywhere. Yes, I love books.

I picked up three new to me books today – that a fellow classmate was giving away – and one of them is an early edition of Steinbeck’s The Wayward Bus, published in 1947. I admit I had not heard of this book before, and wonder if it is in print. (I can find out easily, since I do have LIS (library) training. It reminds me that I never did finish reading travels with charley which I was reading a few summers ago when I was shelving at a public library in the States. I think I took it with me to London to Library School, but it fell to the side, as the course work was quite heavy.

I can’t wait to have all of my books in one place…

Back to Donald Hall – his book of essays, Seasons at Eagle Pond, is a wonderful collection; also his book lifework, a prose work about his life as writer, is quite good. FYI, he wrote the children’s book ox-cart man.

So many good books; I eagerly await the day DV when I will have all of mine together (including the 4 I got today that someone did not want)… : )

Ottawa, the city of my heart

How’s that for a sappy title? :) I am going DV (Lord Willing) in a week’s time for a week! And hopefully 2 WEEKENDS. This means being at my church there 2 weekends; very exciting. Happy me! And tomorrow I am getting my hair cut – the group graduation photo is this Monday! I will be there smiling, DV, thinking, I actually made it to this point, amazing!

I have a LOT of work to do meanwhile – I think I have 5 things due in the next 2-3 weeks, which is not tons, but one of the things I am doing is a pathfinder and I will have to find 50 sources for it. (a pathfinder is a research aid on a particular topic, FYI).

And this weekend my parents and brother DV are coming to see my Oma, who is 97, and my Aunt and Uncle and me – we will all stay at my Aunt and Uncle’s place over night; I am very excited about this too. And I will get to see pictures that my mom got developed for me…

So when I am in Ottawa I will be going to different libraries for work/networking. I also hope to go to at least one other job agency—and I am going to get a cell phone with an Ottawa number. Please pray for me – I am really hoping to secure at least a short term contract by September so that I can move into an apartment with my cat Cleo.

I do honestly feel bad that I am leaving my cat for a week. I am getting people to check in on her daily, but I still feel bad. She will really miss me; she missed me like crazy last time.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to help my cat – esp. also in August when I will be moving (have no idea what I will all be doing – if I will be going to MI for a bit, when/how I am moving to Ottawa; how I am getting Cleo with me, etc) please let me know…

Meanwhile, I better go photocopy some things for my paper that I am working on that is due this coming week…

My Cute Cat

I am sitting on my bed at home, propped up with many pillows, dressed in my nice long khaki-ish skirt and black shirt (I have a presentation to be part of this afternoon) and am typing up a one page paper on my laptop. Cleo is lying on my skirt, right next to my legs, behind my laptop. So cute! I like it that she likes to be by me; she especially appears to like to be with me on my bed when my laptop is out (She also hangs out with me when I am watching a DVD movie on it).

Cleo is quite the smart cat too—she knows when I get the cereal box out that it means “milk” and she will stay on the chair next to my chair, sitting up like a pretty cat princess, waiting for me to give her the last drops of milk left in the bowl. I guess I am a pretty indulgent cat owner, for I do let her have these last drops. Usually Cleo gets lots of attention from me – an early morning and later evening brushing, and lots of pets and the like in between. I feel really lucky to have my lovely Cute Cat Cleo; so often I still can hardly believe that she is mine, it is really a dream come true to have her.

Well, back to writing my paper…

one day, one inch, one mile...

Saturday night I only slept a few hours; I could not fall asleep again; my friend thought it was stress. Could be! I decided that I was not going to write this week’s paper for my archives course so that I could do the security clearance (things have been so busy that I have not had a chance to do this yet) and would give me a little more time and hopefully less stress.

I have to finish a paper and then go home and cook… what to make is another question…

As it is July now I hope that this month will be a new beginning and that good things will come this month – like maybe more peace! I think this would be a good thing…

One day, one prayer, at a time meanwhile…

(note yesterday marked half a year until i am 30!) [that is not what this post is about though; just wanted to note it]

Well. This has been quite the day; the handmaiden that I got this week was all about suffering—including illness leading to death. I was surprised that within the same week to learn of my former classmates’ cancer; I wrote a blog entry about it and then misposted it to Spruce Island instead of my own blog. With the way aggregators work etc I felt that it was not worth taking it off and reposting it here.

I was able, with the encouragement of a current classmate, to apply to a job; and to be confident.

It seems these days I am anything but confident; more like shaking like a leaf and being unsure of every breath – well – almost that bad at times anyway.

I am not sure how to get out of this feeling that I have at times; this summer is really hard for me in that I have very few friends who I see in person; I think I always get a bit more off balance when I am alone too much; but being alone is not always a choice; I remember reading a book, I think a mystery book actually, that made the very significant distinction, explaining the difference between loneliness and solitude: you can chose solitudes, but loneliness is often found when you do not have a choice; you are alone by circumstances, by default.

I had some really good friends in my LIS year last year, but they have all moved away, graduated etc. There is only one person I see regularly that I know from last year; and then a few others who I see in class only who I knew from before.

I am hoping to go to Ottawa in a few weeks – I really want to go to confession with my spiritual father; I have really missed this.

My priest here in London is great—but one only has one spiritual father; I would not expect my priest here to replace what I had in Ottawa—not only would that be unrealistic, it would not be fair, as no one person – including priests – is alike.

This past year has held some new and at times intense challenges for me – a lot has changed (most of it things that I do not blog about; private/public lives are not always to be mixed) – sometimes it seems that maybe I have handled these changes well; other times I have been struggling to hold on, to know what to do.

I am really hoping to have a job of some sort come September, as this will be how I will be able to get another apartment to live in. I find that having a place to live by myself (and now with Cute Cat Cleo) does help my ability to handle the things that life has thrown at me. I am so grateful that God has given me places that I can make temporary homes/refuges in.

Meanwhile, I really hope to go to Ottawa in a few weeks…

… May the Lord have mercy on us all!

Question for today:

How do we make decisions on where we live, where we put our money? I read (and need to reread) an article in the handmaiden late last night that talked about materialism—and not encouraging the urge to consume, to buy things, to keep ‘getting’. And that the North American culture is such a culture of entitlement—as in we feel entitled to all the good things. Similar to what my library class (I am taking two medical LIS courses) professors said yesterday: people do not expect to be sick and if they do not feel well, they expect to get a cure. So what are deliberate ways we can live for God with our possessions and money choices and also in considerations for ‘career advancement’ and constantly living up or beyond the salary we make? Any thoughts?

I think with this is the question of how do/can we learn to live in constant gratitude and contentment?

A long week

Well. All I can say is that I am surviving—I have been extremely overly exhausted from being away for 5 days; I applied to a job today (and then accidentally emailed the autosend email thanking me for my submission; ahhhhhh! Funny but not funny all in one).

I am working on a presentation and seeking to regain energy and strength. I am hoping for a quiet weekend where I can get work done, go to church and feel more whole again.

I am so thankful for friends who support me (i.e. listen to me) when the going seems a bit harder.

And of course I am grateful to God for sustaining me through all sorts of days.

on my way back to my summer '06 home

Well I am in Detroit; it is pouring rain outside, the kind of rain that is blowing, soaking everything, is coming down fast and on a slant because of the wind. It is not the kind of rain that gardeners want, as it comes too quickly to soak into the ground; it runs off instead.

I am so tired! Whenever I visit my family I am up late at night, up again in the morning and busy all day in between sleep and waking. On Thursday I went to garage sales, a thrift store, had tea and lunch at my aunt’s house and talked. I got lots of things of course – the real surprise being 2 icons – never thought I would be given 2 icons at a garage sale in GR MI! I also got tons of candles, 2 shirts and some other kitchen things. I spend the whole night with my favourite cousin and then Friday I used to work on resumes and I packed almost all of my fragile things that are still at my parents home – teacups and saucers, tea plates, Holly Hobbie things and other decorations. Saturday was my close friend’s wedding – she was beautiful of course – and the wedding and reception went well. I am so honoured to have her in my life. That night I finished the packing of breakables after falling into an exhausted sleep on my parent’s couch. Sunday was church and visits with family for Father’s Day. My Grandmother gave me her bread machine.

I feel more and more that I am in the process of carving out a life for myself; I am more and more wanting a real apartment, with good paint and space for all of my (many) belongings. I have been waiting for over 10 years for this, and hope that I can have a job so I can move almost all of my things to Ottawa.

Meanwhile I will keep praying for this, and asking for God’s mercy and guidance.

Wow! Unexpected Provision, Take Two

I am nearly fully astounded I think. First this morning left on the grad lounge table was a lovely soft cover large thick Cookbook called The Recipe Encyclopedia: the complete illustrated guide to cooking. When things are left on this table it is like the Side of the Road: FREE. So I now have this really cool cookbook, with great pictures!

[Side note: this of course is another reason to visit me and the others from St. Herman’s who DV will be living in Ottawa… I have another great source for making good food!]

Here is what really surprised me (and I was quite happy with the cookbook…) I found out today that I got a graduate bursary of 2 grand. Wow. I can totally save a bit of money for moving etc! This is incredible.

Though the fact that this week I have felt quite peaceful in general is an even bigger miracle. I am so grateful…

And to top it off I am going home to MI to DV:

*see one of my closest friends get married
*see family
*see other good friends
*go garage sale shopping with some female family members (mom, sister, cousin, aunts)
*go to my church in MI (I have 4 ½ churches)
*avoid doing homework!
*work on job resume
*hang out with my parents (and bug my Mom esp. … I have been advocating for some homemade chocolate chip cookies)

And of course this is a Fast-Free week! For the Feast of Pentecost. It is nice to have some feasting. I am praying that all goes well for me this week as I leave…

Hope everyone else is doing well…

short update -- and prayer opportunity! :)

I am going to be applying for two medical librarian positions in Ottawa! I have been blessed with a classmate (beginning her PhD) helping me with my resume…

This Wednesday I am going home to MI for one of my closet friend’s wedding! I look forward to a break and to seeing her, my family and church…

The job applications are due June 23 and June 30 – please pray!

Unexpected Provision

So, nearly a month ago I stood by my icon corner and specifically asked God if I could have a 5-shelf bookshelf. I was able to go to the store that night and my friend’s dad assembled it for me. I had been thinking since then that I really wished I had a little night stand to put my alarm clock, glasses and the like on. Never thought to ask God for it. After I came back from grocery shopping (it got hot and humid here so I was out buying summerish food) someone had left a nightstand and two lamps (a tall one and a short cute squat one) by the side of the road! They are now cleaned and in my apartment – I had really wanted a lamp for my dinning room area, and again had not thought to ask for it. So I felt so encouraged. And this morning I read Psalm 120 and 121 and felt like maybe I could actually believe that God will take care of me and bring me back to Ottawa, with a job. That things were not going to suddenly go terribly wrong and that, with God’s grace, I could work towards my goal of returning Ottawa and it could happen.

I feel that I need a lot of wisdom to know how to best care for my future, and how to think of it; how to prepare and what to do to find a job… I think what I will ask now is for this wisdom…

Finishing up

I am done with my paper that is due today! – I had to start over a third of it over late Friday night because I misunderstood the database, as I was unfamiliar with it! Live and learn…

I am so tired though and slept very poorly last night – I am looking forward to being home tonight with my cat!

Down below it was Memorial Day (in Canada we have Victoria Day, which is a week before) and my family was camping for the weekend. I missed being able to call them and even more missed camping with them! I love the woods, camp fires, pizza's made on the fire and s'mores. Oh well.

It has been fun to read the blogs of those of us who are traveling! I will not be doing much traveling this summer, though I will go down to see my friend get married in about two weeks.

reflections on the place (time) i am in...

I am in the central library of my little city right now; I am on the third floor, and have window seat as it were for the tops of buildings; I can see the spires of an old church in the distance. It is quiet here; I am aware also of the loneliness of my surroundings; not the books, or the people treading quiet on carpet, but that I am in library school and often feel like I do not quite fit. For instance, it is surprisingly unusual for library students to go to public libraries as a public place; for me I go usually every Saturday. I am Orthodox and there is only one person at my church near my age in my little London church; this person I know only by acquaintance; he is often gone because of his work and though we share the same church space, I feel that we are worlds apart. I find the realization of my loneliness, no matter how temporary, to be hard. It is where the mire of self-pity tempts me the most—that I am different and somehow alone.

When I was in Ottawa I was sometimes aware of loneliness there—that I was new in town, that people at the church I love do not know me well (save a few exceptions) but I was usually happy at church, esp. when I would be feeding people, cleaning up or spending time with specific people. I miss my spiritual father there so much – I could feel better just sitting next to him or nearby. I had never experience this sort of thing before—a loving father who can also guide me in spiritual things. Not that I did not have wonderful priests before—not at all—but with all my moving around and the past uncertainty in my life, I never made the connection like I have with the priest at my church there. I feel so lucky, so blessed (an old version of the Psalms in the BCP uses the word ‘luck’ so I for one do not mind using this word) to have had the many experiences at my church. I long to return, more and more.

If I fear anything right now, one of the top fears is that I will not be able to return; that I will have to continue to live in exile. And I think in some ways I have been living in exile for a very long time, so this desire is very present within me. Yet I have hope—yes, hope in God; also hope in things I have presently: doing the flowers for my little church here, my friends, the Akatist I am praying slowly through one page per night, in the fact that God has provided for me every step of the way; that I have been taught by my spiritual father that God takes our desires into account, that I can sincerely and humbly present my request, my desire to live in Ottawa, to Him; that God listens; cares; saves.

What greater hope is there than this! How blessed I am…



I am in my program’s smallish library now; late last night, as I was sitting in my old gold chair, journaling, with Cleo the Cat near by, I realized that one of the reasons I had been more aware of loneliness is because my week has been so intense—I have been gone daily between 10 and 13 plus hours from home, working on school work—I find that I feel really isolated when I work so much. Like I am suddenly disconnected from my family, friends, sense of place; as if calling my parents (I do this quite often) was like talking to them after days and days of being away. I have a paper to finish this morning (I am exhausted and do not want to even look at it) and then after a 3 hour class this afternoon, and a meeting after that, I have to start my next paper – it is due Monday (today being Thursday) and I refuse to work on it on Sunday. This means more intense work this weekend.

Thank God for His mercy; that God will sustain me through this. Pray for me if you would…

This day – the good things and the stressful things

I have been encouraged in ways – I got the loans I needed – now I should have enough for the time being. Very encouraging, this. I did one assignment that took a lot of this week’s time. I am still feeling a bit overwhelmed, as I have 6 assignments do in the next two weeks, two of which regard either a library visit or going to a city planning district to access the resources they have. In other words, a lot of TIME. I have a feeling that the next two weeks are going to be longer days and esp. longer nights. I really do not work at home much, though on Monday, Victoria Day, I will be working at home as the little library here will not be open. Wish I could take the time off, but I have too many assignments!

I am trying, in all of this, to keep my focus UpWards… CHRIST is so much bigger than all of this! Human as I am, I have a lot to learn about abiding in Christ while being in school-related business. I find the added challenge to all of this is that I am still to keep up my house, make food and do all those other things…. Last night I was home by 7 pm and I did no work and focused on more simpler things, like the pile of dishes that are now all clean, dried and put away…

And I am slowly gaining a routine with my very Cute Canadian Cat Cleo – she purred so loudly when I held and brushed her this morning. So nice. Well, I need to go make sure I have the research for my archives paper that is due next week. The topic: why do you need a policy for an archive and what problems could occur if the archive does not have one. Welcome to library school! This is quite the normal paper to write; thankfully it will not really be that difficult to do.

I have also started to do some of my Psalms readings (I try to do morning and evening) out loud in my icon corner – I think this may be a beneficial practice to seek to continue. I want so much to grow…

Second week of class

Equals three big assignments due next week; some stress for sure! The long Canadian weekend will be full of work for me. My courses are interesting, but really intense in May—it is hard to balance this and the fact that I am still setting up my apartment, learning how to best care for my beloved cat Cleo, seeing friends and/or catching up with them on the phone.

Meanwhile, I am incredibly thankful for my laptop and wireless access on campus…

In London Take Two

Well, today is going better. Wow is school going to be busy! I am still involved in a mentorship committee (am one of the 3 co-leads) and we have lots to do for this; that and I am doing a compressed course and at times have 2 assignments due a week just for this course. It will be manageable though; I just have to keep on top of things.

And I have to figure out one of my professor’s syllabi—it seems that we have a lot to do in the course—but the work will all get done.

I am hoping to go to Waterloo this weekend to hear Mother Gabriella speak – I will take the bus, as I do not have a ride. I still have to contact greyhound to be sure this will work; I have someone to pick me up once I am in Waterloo, however. So I am going to work even harder to get all my work done so I can do this. My personal rules of living while being a student is to NOT do any school work on Sunday. Some classmates who did not know me the beginning of my MLIS degree thought this was merely an ideal, not something I would do. But I have done it, by God’s grace, and know that it is how I survived the year of school I did in the past.

Well. Speaking of school, I better get started on the work…

In London

I had my first class today – it should be good. But I am also aware that my time here will be even lonelier than my first time around; all of my close friends LIS wise have graduated and my church has no one my age in it (save one guy who is in the Army and not around much; and we never really had much in common to talk about, though he is a nice guy etc). if there are any others near my age they do not always come and are Greek and well, they tend to keep to themselves; I do not really feel fully included by them. But that is okay. There are those in my little church who did welcome me back, which was nice. In general it is a place I go to pray, to do the flowers, to be transformed. It is not a place yet for me that has a lot of potential for fellowship. Though it does have some; and there are beautiful people there; and one of my friends has long ago adopted me as her little sister and this is very meaningful.

I miss my little Russian church though and those people I was getting to know a bit better.

I can see that I am going to have to keep a close watch on my internal state, that I do not fall into any sort of self-pity because I do not have what I want!!

For God knows where I should be (here) and that it is for a purpose…

bus stations

i am in detroit right now at the greyhound; there are not a lot of people around; a small girl is walking around free, content with bare feet... things are fairly peaceful...

after having only 4 hours of sleep 2 nights ago, and still not getting everything done (churchmouse and cathedral dweller helping me out tons with this) (packing an apartment during holy week -- i really do not advise it!) i made it to london ontario and my aunt took me out to a late lunch and i got to rest, talk lots when i wanted to, use her deep clawfoot tub and enjoying being in a very dutch house...

i am still exhausted; have been aware of being in grief from leaving my ottawa church and my spiritual father; it is different than when i left st. herman's. just as hard, but different circumstances.

it is has been hard to look forward to the summer in london, even though i only have 3 classes, will be able to rest a bit, will have my soon to be Cute Cat Cleo. the grief of leaving right now is so fresh and deep that nothing seems significant compared to the pain of leaving.

when i left st. herman's i barely talked for three days. okay i also had a really bad cold, but if you know me you know that it takes a lot to keep me THAT quiet!

well. i will not have much time to write at home, but once i am settled in london i hope to blog a bit more than i was able to before.

CHRIST IS RISEN!

may He rise also in our hearts, the Great Morning Star...

Just a note

To say that I am done with my job this Thursday and will not have much email access or not much guaranteed access.

So in advance I wish everyone either a good western Easter and for those who, like myself, are orthodox, I wish you a very blessed Holy Week and Pasca! How blessed we are!!!

I will be leaving Ottawa on Bright Tuesday (April 25) @ 6 am. Any and all prayers are welcome as I make this transition. It will be hard—I am leaving my first real Father Confessor; I can’t imagine, to be honest, what I will do without him and my little church here.

I am still hoping that God will send me back to Ottawa by September, when my MLIS degree will be done.

I will not have regular access to the internet until I start classes, on May 8th.

Meanwhile, may we continue to be given a blessed lent and journey of repentance...

So hard to be at work when…

It is beautiful, 15 degrees, Sunny; good bye winter clothes, hello spring clothes! I feel like a young child though, itching to be outside; it is a crime that both children and adults are kept inside on days like this. I have taken 2 walks already and crave another one, just to see the sun, walk in warm air…

I am so glad that I do not have to live in my apartment much longer—I live in a basement apartment, and while it was fine for the winter, I get very little sunlight in it; this is bad for someone who is a bit of a ‘homebody’ and wants to be home for part of the day on Saturday…

A few more hours and I can leave for the day…

It’s beginning to look like Spring!

High of 12 degrees, sunny…

Construction still going on inside my building and there are no windows that open in the building. It seems to be a trend in academic buildings—a trend that I abhor full heartedly. No breeze, fresh air! Nearly preposterous!

None the less, Sunshine is bathing Ottawa in light…

I finished re-reading Anne Lamott’s Traveling Mercies… I am reading, writing and journaling more; I think I am beginning to process the transition to the summer (move, school, job-searching/finding, new/old church, new/old everything) and this processing has meant less talking on the phone (a miracle), more journaling, more silence, more evenings alone.

I feel bad that I have not been able to keep up with the book reading of Great Lent on the O. Café website, but I am finding that I have to read this book a lot slower… I should of known—when ever there is a spiritual book with a lot of new material and depth in it, I read it really slowly, taking note of everything, writing quotes down, thinking about it, praying about it, etc.

So the only reading I do more quickly is books that are on a different level—like Lamott’s book…

So it is;

I am feeling more heartened today than I have in a long time; for this I am so thankful. Spring is coming… and we are in the second part of lent—we are preparing for Pasca.

Presanctified

When ever it is Friday at noon (during Lent), and I know I am not going to eat or drink until I am having communion at my little church, I think of Christ’s words, that He will not eat and drink with them until the coming of the kingdom. And I think of how we believe the church is meeting earth-heaven together, because of the Eucharist and how the kingdom has come and is coming…

Sometimes I find myself thinking, I am not going to eat or drink until tonight, when the kingdom comes.

How much more must I long for the full kingdom of God to come—when all our trials and temptations are over and we are home with God—Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

What I am doing during the day (for now)

Incase one wondered. I won’t ask if anyone was! I am writing an implementation strategy and timeline for potential future a virtual reference service (think: IM chatting with librarians to ask questions). The fun thing is that I am really enjoying this. I love researching and writing. And the edited (i.e. by others on my team, I being the lowly co-op student etc) version will be part of the projects final report. This is due next week. Which means I am getting back to work on it now… I have over 5 pages written, half of it being in a table format. Not bad I think. Not that I have edited it yet myself!

both/and or living in provision and need all at once...

It seems that I really have a place to live for the summer; I have moved so much lately that it always surprises me that things continue to workout. I have the sublet, I am getting the cat Cleo. I still have to try to get a part time job for the summer and am working on loan applications. Unfortunately I am exhausted and feel like my life never allows me to fully gain the rest that I need; I still feel that I am constantly behind on things and in this part of my life am still struggling.

As far as I know…

I am getting the sublet I mentioned in previous posts. I admit that I get nervous that good things like this will fall through. But it should be fine. Now I am just hoping that I will get the other part of my dream—my friend’s (who is getting married in June to a lovely man who is allergic to cats) cat Cleo. My friend and I have been talking about me having Cleo since last September—and now I have a sublet that can have a cat (though in Ontario actually there is a law that says pets are allowed in rented places anyway) and I am not yet sure how Cleo is getting from Michigan to Ontario.

I am really really hoping that this will work out; it is hard enough to leave friends and church family, but I am also returning to a city where most of my library friends are already gone—so I am going to a city where I do not have many people I know. Thankfully I have my little Orthodox church and a few people—but really—of those I am close to there—there are only 2 left and they are both really busy… thus to me having Cleo the Cat would be good—maybe a little less lonely, practically speaking.

Well. That’s my story for this lovely Sunny Friday in Ottawa.

Tonight is presanctified at my church and I am so glad that DV this weekend I can be at church 5 times! (including tonight).

Hope everyone has a good weekend…

Random realization

I just realized that the Greek word for “word” ‘logos’ is also the English word logos—wow. This is interesting. From Eternal Word to a word for advertising slogan/s.

I say this can be a commentary on our western/north American culture…

And perhaps also even our Christian subcultures…

An interesting thought, this…

Home

It seems that I will have the apartment near my school for the summer! This is a relief; I am encouraged by this working out…now I just have to trust that my dreams and goals for September Job-Ottawa-Apartment will also work out…

I am excited to make this apartment into a temporary summer home…

(though leaving Ottawa, my little church and spiritual father is going to be really hard, even if I am only leaving for the summer…)

pondering one's home/s

I may have a place to live this summer! I have to go back to school to finish my last 3 courses of my masters degree [in library and information science] and I may have a small one bedroom apartment, with wood floors, that I can sublet for the summer… am quite excited about this and encouraged. The place is exactly what I am looking for… now I just have to find a job for after August 11, when I will be done…

It is so hard to believe that my dream may really come true sometime soon (apartment, Ottawa, job, church and cat!)…

It is interesting to think about this in regards to constantly seeking God… it seems to be a tension—I long to make a home here on earth (apartment, my belongings, a cat) yet my true home is not here on earth at all… yet again, my home, my life, is in the church…

Many paradoxes in life…

loving church

Ah. Life. Lent is great. I am hoping between my church and the Cathedral to go to church every day this week. My church in London did not have as many services last year so I am really loving it and soaking it all in… I am not sure about the Thursday yet, but so far I am feeling quite happy about lent and being in church so much. I will miss it next week!

(Though my house does need to be cleaned eventually…)

Today feels like…

Did you ever have the I feel like a warm fuzzy book when you were a child? Well. Today I feel like it should be a holiday. Not perhaps the best feeling when I am at work!

Sigh.

It must be because I am resting and today is practically balmy; sunny and – 4.

Back to work…

Gotta love it when – 4 sounds warm

Well. Today I am still tired, but felt encouraged by taking the night off. Tonight I plan on resting again and hope to make some real progress towards inner rest—to be a bit more refocused. I am relieved it is almost lent; things have been so hectic and I hope that things will slow down for me, especially as I will officially not be living in my current apartment in 2 months. Am giving my landlord my 2 months notice today.

This too is hard, but I am seeking to be peaceful.

I realized that my life [and many people’s life today] is not normal—it was never normal to be one single person moving alone over 6 times in 10 years; I know that there were always travelers, and some who did this; yet even the Hebrews in the wilderness moved as a group and with the Arc of the Covenant. I am greatly craving stability and rest and a community that’s general location does not change…

Meanwhile I will seek to strengthen myself in the Lord and in His church…

This week

Is unlike other weeks for me; I try to never miss things, esp. church things. But I have been really tired and have given/made myself have the week off. So I am missing to night church services, postponed seeing some friends and will not resume socialness until Friday night (Korean restaurant for a church friend’s birthday). What I am hoping this will do for me is: give me rest, including rest in God.

Life is hard and mine is no exception, though I have little to complain about on the grand scale of things. So this week is going to be a more quiet one, where I am hoping to really begin lent well (which I am thinking of not being as social either).

I am soon moving to London Ontario again, sometime soon after Pasca, and I find this really painful. I have gotten really close to my new 6-months so far church and it is bringing a lot of memories of how incredibly hard it was to leave my first church, St. Herman’s in Langley. When I got home from BC, almost 2 full years ago, on March 5, I barely spoke for 3 days (I also did have a really bad cold, but still, if you know me, you will know that I am usually not so silent!)

So I am beginning to face leaving again, and am seeking to deal with the fears I have of not being able/allowed to come back—I really want to be rooted in a place and in a church and really want these roots to be in Ottawa, as I have gained a Father-Confessor for the first time and really like Ottawa. (And it is in the same time zone as my family, which is really good as well).

The one good thing is that at least I am not going to something new—the school and church I know…

Now is the time for me to seek to enter into rest…

Wow is it Monday

I am so tired; probably did not help that I woke up early. It was a beautiful sunny -19 this morning and I was so lost in thought that I did not even notice; co-workers commented on the cold before I clued in to why I still felt cold after being a work for a while…

Thankfully I have a tea pot and chamomile lemon tea…

Now if only lunch would give me renewed energy; I feel so sleepy…

in case you were wondering :)

Today: drinking hot chamomile lemon tea
Feeling: cold
At: work
Emotion: fairly happy
Hope: to find a job in Ottawa
Tonight: dinner w. fellow librarian
Tomorrow night: making Elie’s lamb dish for meatfare Sunday after liturgy
Loving: all those in my 4 ½ Orthodox churches

church

I know I do not blog very frequently; I feel that my life is really internally intense right now and I am processing a lot of things, which creates an added tension within myself.

However, the liturgy Tuesday night was incredibly moving. There was only a few of us there, in our little church. how to describe the church...it has high ceiling, icons with a lot of gold, blues and reds; the icon directly above the iconastasis, below the ceiling, is Christ on the throne, with the Theotokos and St. John the Forerunner presenting Him, and other saints on either side. When I am at vespers during the week, I stand in the middle and can look directly up at Christ, as well as the Cross on top-centre of the iconastatsis. Standing there, singing with the choir that is above me, is always a very moving experience. I always find myself thinking that this is truly where I love to be, where I am most alive, where my life is from and is in...

there were some specific happenings that made the vesperal liturgy for Christ's entrance into the temple very precious. Little things, like being in charge of watching over the candles that were burning low; and being asked by the reader to get the stand that our Deacon puts the Gospel on, and, standing in the middle of the church, when it was time for communion, no one was going first and I looked around and looked at our Priest and Deacon and my spiritual Father called forth, 'the servant of God, Elizabeth..." and I was first to communion; it was so moving that I nearly began weeping.

I will never forget this night...

Thanks, but…

Victoria passed on the ‘write 4’ list to me, but I do not have internet access @ home and do not have time to write this right now….. it would be fun, but I am feeling a lot of pressure in my daily schedule right now and just trying to maintain my life and be at peace. Thanks though. It is nice to be included. If I find time later, I will do it, but for now I just have to say, thanks.

exhausted but blessed

I have been quite exhausted of late; I feel that I am just getting out of this state. Thankfully I have really good friends who have helped me—I was very blessed—taken out to dinner and even help with my dishes (seriously!). So I am very well taken care of—which I need to remember when I am worrying about my near immediate job-finding future.

Another huge blessing connected to my friends is the prayer support that I receive and also that I can give.

Including prayers for many children—the new born twins, Baby Owen’s birth, and young Greta.

Truly I am deeply blessed.

sealed

The blog/journal entries/emails done less than a week from a funeral I always find to be strange; I can remember when my Grandfather died, it was strange to be experiencing happiness; yet it happens. Fr. John Scratch and his loss are never far from my consciousness, nor are the spiritual gifts his life gave me.

To the point that when I write of Fr. John, I cannot think of much else.

What I wanted to quick write about is inline with what he taught me through this life… even through the week of funeral services, I learned that I had really become orthodox; as if it is sealed more deeply within me… that this is right, this Church, this life is what I have always been looking for…

A week of learning

Not only did I learn from Fr. John Scratch’s life, as Bishop Seraphim challenged us to live a life of repentance as Fr. John did, but my priest’s words have stayed with me—if you wonder why someone has not grown, it is because they have not repented.

I read a book entitled Return, published by a small Greek press… in English produced in Pennsylvania (a state otherwise, in my life, known as orthodox-central; just look at this map: http://orthodoxyinamerica.org./sr/geo_gate.php). This book (sorry I do not remember the subtitle, though I remember it is written by an archimandrite) really floored me; it was like something in me shifted and I understood the call to live a life of repentance in a new way.

Now I am rethinking what this means for how I have lived, and what I think the meaning/purpose of life is…

overwhelming beauty and bright sadness

I am sitting at my desk at work right now; I feel extremely dazed; I went to all of the services for Fr. John Scratch and the grief, as well as the intensity in intimacy that the services gave, is still overwhelming. I have not had a good night’s sleep since he died; the first two nights I would wake up, crying; like I did when my Grandfather died—whose name was also John—the last two nights I have woken up and thought of him, of his family who miss him, and of the services… I am still overwhelmed by the sheer somber and great beauty of the services; it was very profound.

I wish I could explain what I had the great honour of being part of, but for now I must keep working and hope to rest in a few hours, when work is over for the day…

Memory Eternal to Fr. John … and many prayers said for his family and his church….

Fr. John Scratch

These days have been very hectic and I have not posted much; with Fr. John Scratch’s falling asleep, I have been very blessed to be part of memorial services and to think of the various times I saw him; I remember telling Cheryl more than once that I missed him, as I had not seen him in a while…

my heart is full of thoughts of him, of the Cathedral and those who are in grief because of his passing...

thoughts at noon hour

Today, I am sad to say, is a more dreary dismal weather day in Ottawa. Gone is the snow falling, instead we had freezing rain. And for some reason the sidewalks are not being properly salted today and it is the noon hour and parts of it are still slippery! Sigh. And I had wanted to take a walk…

On a positive note, I hope to do some baking soon! Maybe a strawberry cake with almonds on top; also plan on making a vegan chocolate cake; of course I really also have to clean my house, but baking is way more fun!

God’s provision

When I read Dave’s post about a tax refund providing for him, I had no idea that I would be receiving one that would help me too!! And I did! God totally provided for me…I am so thankful and again surprised and humbled by His timely provision.

NOTE: everyone must read Stacy’s comment on my last post. So FUNNY. Thanks Stacy. Maybe someday we can visit and I can cook for you!!!

At random

Some thoughts: one, I took care of the silly phone calls—left a message clearly asserting that I did own the phone number they were calling and that I wished them not to call. Not a peep heard since.

Two, I got the all new joy of cooking for my Once-in-a-Lifetime-Golden-Birthday from my parents and I am loving it. I am looking forward to cooking with it for DV many years to come.

Three, I am not able to blog much of late, as a few people have commented to me—the holidays have been so incredibly busy and since I have been back I Ottawa the wireless I was ‘borrowing’ has not been available and so I am not online much. However, this is not always such a bad thing, but it does add a bit of an inconvenience to accomplishing certain things, such as blogging.

Four, I had my Christmas this weekend. The vigil was very beautiful; as was the service this morning; the singing was first rate and it felt very good and intimate as a church family. I am always amazed at the community that I have found here and how some of my new friends really love me so abundantly.

Uh-Oh

I think I am feeling stressed, though I often am feeling quite peaceful. There have been a family phoning me for someone else that they happen (so I can tell by the voice mails) they think has betrayed them, I think finically. As I have caller ID, I called them back yesterday saying they had the wrong number. Today the guy called back, venom dripping in the voice mail message, starting by saying “yeah Elizabeth” and going on to give his message to the person who he *thinks* my phone number belongs to. How do I know I am stressed? Inside I got really mad at this guy who I have absolutely no connection with for leaving a venomous message.

Well. I will have to attend to this [stress-level] and such.

Please pray for me, as I seek to live at peace…

returning to ottawa

DV [Lord Willing] I will be back on Tuesday. Please pray for me as I travel...Thank you. May God be with all who read this...