Sunday ~ a Day of Grace

 

Today did not go as I thought it would

but is according to what God saw as best. 

I had a really rought week.

Tons of temptations, insomnia and sickness.

****

Long story short, I got the cold that is going around, 

was sick in bed all day yesterday, 

barely getting out of bed because I was so weak,

and finally I am sleeping again. 

After some weeks of PTSD insomnia triggers

that I did not fully understand. 

***

October 1st I was doing much better, 

healing has a lot of ups and downs. 

***

So my goddaugther is getting married any minute now

I am here at home praying for her

while she is undergoing one of the most beautiful 

sacraments of her entire life. 

My friend S. is going to read my speech at the reception

on my behalf.  I am consoled.

The speech is for them so I will not be sharing it here or elsewhere. 

***

One thing I used to be really good at was rest and self-care.

Complex PTSD has basically destroyed most everything and it's like

I have to relearn all my skills again. 

***

So: Note To Self and Anyone Else Who Needs to Know:

When you don't sleep all night, you need to rest as much as possible afterwards. 

If you can, stop what you are doing, change your plans and just rest. 

***

Because I had insomnia really bad when I had my medical trauma of illness

before the medical huge trauma of my memory loss,

it triggers me and I think I have to stay up so that I can sleep the next day

when actually I need rest and a lot of quiet and calm music.

Basically I need to re-establish the calm in me. 

***

I must not feel guilty for the PTSD insomnia because it's mental illness

and I know I have it and God is mercciful and helps with it. 

***

May God have mercy on us all. 

please pray

I am typing on my phone. Blogger still flips my pictures upside down if I blog on my phone. 🤷

I had so much insomnia again in the last weeks that earlier this week my vision was blurry.  Which caused me to have a PTSD flashback. Because that's what happened the last time I went to NYC before I lost my memory.  Before I almost died.

A flashback is when you get trapped in the past trauma and it's like it is happening all over again.

I talked with my therapist TWICE this week it was so bad.  I've kept in contact with lots of friends asking for prayer.  

I am trying so hard to keep it together.

this song has been one of the songs keeping me steady.... It is like Aunt Beast in Madeleine L'Engle book, feeding me.... 

Also one called "God I'm not OK but I am still here"...

I am ready Sean's new book Over Yonder it's really good.

My Husband fell ill with a cold.  Now I have the cold.  I am to speak at my goddaughter's wedding reception this Sunday God willing.

I hope I will be able to do so.  

Please pray for me.  And my goddaughter and her fiance.  And my Beloved Husband.

Many Things ~ The Protection of the Mother of God

Ok. HELLO WORLD (LOL). 

It's been a minute. 

..... 

A day or so has gone past since I wrote the above two sentences LOL. 

My life is a bit BUSY right now. 

```

I can tell I am healing.

Last Saturday we were at liturgy, early and the morning was still

cooler and the sun was beautiful and the trees, the leaves, the sense of dew,

I felt it so strongly.

I was quietly overjoyed because I had not had that experience in almost 3 years.

I did not know if I would ever have it again.

***

My illness and memory loss was like a fire that destroyed a forest 

or a green verdant field 

and all that was left was burnt soil, the grass, the trees, everthing, 

gone, destroyed, absent. 

***

I am slowly texting my family and friends like I used to do.

My Husband today sent me the funniest passage from the 

Brother's Karmazov, telling me joyfully,

Elizabeth will find this hilarious.

***

He had lost his Elizabeth for almost 3 years.

that's the first time he's done that in a very long time. 

***

I still have short term memory problems, 

that insomnia does not help

and I had a PTSD trigger again this week and have

had a lot of insomnia.

***

I am still working through the grief of many things, 

of having Complex PTSD, of seeing how ill I was,

of seeing that I will never be the same...

***

When you literally almost die, and your Husband has to force you to eat,

to drink and you have no clue who he is but obey,

when you come back, and then heal from the deep trauma of it, 

which I am still doing... but...

the world, oh this beautiful crazy broken amazing world. 

It's so much more beautiful now.

Because God let me return to it after losing everything. 

***

I still have grief.

I still find myself suddenly weeping at times. 

But that is healthy. 

That I know.

***

I am working on a very special essay.

***

We had Larissa's 4th memorial service.

It was very special. 

Healing.

***

May God have mercy on us all.

NYC: Twice in One Week

 

I know that right now, 

with what I am working through, 

which is some unbloggable grief-related things,

I have to do one thing:

keep busy.

And try to work on my many-year writing project, 

which I will not mention outside of that.

***

So today found me complaining over chat via my phone

to my beloved Husband about a certain 

beloved author who can be a bit repetive

and my Husband was like,

you are very repetive in your complaints about this

author's repetriveness. 

***

LOL.

***

So basically I am slogging through a book that I like

but is not easy for me to read because 

1. I am not at the author's IQ for math/computer science/physics 

2. The author and I live, in ways, on different planets because of our

understanding of the world is quite different.

3. Trying to grasp what the author is getting at, in the way he writes it, 

is not easy for me.

***

Thus the many coloured pens,

the many notes in my journal of quotes to better 

follow/understanding what the author is trying to 

communicate to us, the reader,

and a trip to the MET to get some headspace back,

as I was so tired from working so hard on reading this book.

***

That said, I read about 100 pages which really is a lot,

especially with the subject matter at hand. 

***

So I was in NYC Tuesday and Thursday working on this

book.  Hopefully by next week, I will have finished it.

***

Then I have to figure out what to do with what I understand.

***

But the main thing right now is that I 

got out of the house, achieved goals,

am working on something that has meaning for me,

and for the things that are an un-bloggable grief,

I just need time.

***

But God is full of mercy and I trust that I will have

the time that I need... 

Getting Up Again and Again

 

Life has a lot of trying and trying again. 

This picture (above) is due to encouragement to a friend who

I sadly rarely see but always feel seen by. 

***

Sometimes it's hard to keep moving.

I am deep in a long term writing project and have hit

some significant roadblocks.  Trying to leave them 

(the road blocks) behind

and focus on something different is not an easy thing to do.

***

Today I had some simple but real successes:

1. I was tired but kept going, which I knew was what I needed to do 

2. I got some laundry done (the chore, along with dishes that never ends) 

3. I walked about 2.5 miles today

4. I managed to call my Grandma two weeks in a row (my ability to 

keep doing what I used to do before I got really sick has been lessened) 

***

Tomorrow my goal is to go to NYC and read more of a book for

research for my long term writing project, 

possibly go to breakfast with my Husband 

and renew my membership at the MET Museum. 

***

I, like many, especially who are Orthodox, have had our

hearts rended in pain over the suffering of 

this Monastery and this new article gave me

consolation.  I will say one thing:

there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1)

and I refuse to go into any thing remotely close to an

argument over the suffering that these Monastics have endured.

Only God knows the future and why everything that happens, happens.

***

I have been asking God for help having a thankful heart.

A thankful heart is a lighter heart and I have miles to go on this.

***

Safer Than a Known Way

I read this book last week.

It was really good.

I feel like I need to surrender more to God

and my path is to do what I have been doing:

asking God to give me a thankful heart, 

for everything.

***

The book is by the last woman who served and cared for

Corrie ten Boom in her last 7 years of life.

A really special picture of Corrie, whose books I have loved 

since I was 13 or so, and of a woman learning to let God lead her

and to give up her own ideas and realizing that 

God's plan for her life is best.

***

A lovely young woman at one of my churches, who I have had the 

prieveldge of seeing grow up, and I had a really good talk

because years ago I had broke my ankle and now she is suffering

a similar but different situation. 

***

How beautiful when one's pain can be used years later to 

relate to another person and encourage them. 

***

I know I must grow in this. 

***

May God have mercy on us!

NYC ~ This Morning

 

I had an early morning meeting and then went to a diner, 

thank God there still are a few, 

for a second breakfast.

What was really interesting, however, was watching people walk on the street.

I remember one lady, older, with a younger one next to her,

probably a mother and daughter,

very similar clothes, linen I think,

gorgous long skirts, brown, cream tops,

beatifully done hair,

they just *looked* expensive, if that makes sense!

I certainly did not look that... I took a picture of myself in a large window...

sneakers, legs that looked small and somewhat stubby between my half way past my kneews

but cute pink skirt,wrinkled, 

with my lace tank top and black shrug that does not fall in a way that

I wish it would, but is still good... and my new hat, pink and black... 

and pink headphones, no I just looked a bit eccentric and hopefully

like I enjoy living, which I do, no matter how hard things can be. 

***

That poor church, so run down, it must have been so beautiful. 

Can you imagine restoring such a church, a dream, but not my calling

so I just take pictures...

***

The ad for the dog in a cute hero outfit was darling I thought. 

It's interesting but kind of sad how stores are now adversisting for pets

like they used to for cute kids of young parents. 

***

I had a cute outfit on but as it was a rainy day,

I had my blue sneakers on instead of nice shoes or sandals. 

***

A woman at Michaels was fully of Joy as she had her things rung through.

She was buying a canvas to paint on, and put it in a bag that was thick

and I think was a repurposed black garbage bag.

She was beautiful,

middle aged somewhere, beautiful braids, 

clothes with a stylish more African look,

the type that is mature looking, as in refined,

beautiful.

I felt like she is an artist, probably not rich but has known 

suffering. Most artists have.

***

I bought fabric tape to fix a shirt that has a small hole in it.

I walked over 3 miles today!

***

Tomorrow I hope to take it easy,

as I have been very busy the first half of this week!

I did a laundry room purge/overhaul,

I am really pleased about it.

***

Life is very full.

But it's nice to quickly write here.

***

May God bless, save and help us in all things. 

Transfiguration ~ August 19, 2025

 

The Holy Transfiguration of our Lord God and Savior Jesus Christ 

Troparion — Tone 7

You were transfigured on the mountain, O Christ God, / revealing Your glory to Your disciples as far as they could bear it. / Let Your everlasting Light also shine upon us sinners, / through the prayers of the Theotokos. / O Giver of Light, glory to You!

Kontakion — Tone 7

On the Mountain You were Transfigured, O Christ God, / and Your disciples beheld Your glory as far as they could see it; / so that when they would behold You crucified, / they would understand that Your suffering was voluntary, / and would proclaim to the world, / that You are truly the Radiance of the Father!

(above from HERE)

Beautiful Moments

 

From the New Calendar Feast of Holy Dormtion! 

Thank God

 

Yesterday we suddenly had no water!

A water main broke... 

3 AM, we finally had water again. 

***

I am going to church soon.

I am having a struggle with insomnia again. 

Healing from great suffering takes a lot longer than one 

would expect but each day, 

we try again. 

***

May God have mercy on us. 

quickly here in almost mid-August

 

I am undergoing some real learning right now.

A potential deep loss but too early to know.

***

All I can say is that God is our ever present refuge and strength

and that God's Mother does give Joy in Sorrow. 

***

I am super blessed because I get to do some shopping in the next weeks, 

and that's a really nice thing and not something

I take forgranted, at least I try not to, 

because I know very well what it is like to not be able to buy anything 

extra, those who have ready my blog for many years will remember those times.

I could not even buy a vegetable peeler when mine broke, 

so my Mom bought one for me for Christmas;

then in less than 2 years after that, I was given a second,

identical one, as a gift at my family Bridal shower.

***

As my Grandma always says:

we have so much to be thankful for.

Time Keeps Passing By

Tomorrow is the 38th anniversary of my friend 

Timothy Mark's passing, when I was still 10 years old.

Today is my Dad's birthday.

***

We were in church tonight.

***

We were in Michigan for much of July.

It was very good.

I am still dealing with a lot of insomnia.

God is holding me up through it.

***

I am reading a lot of Corrie ten Boom right now.

I love that she is honest that she is not perfect

but yet God used her.

***

May God have mercy on us.