The last few days

Wednesday sunny ~ Feast of the Holy Cross 

I was so happy about going to NYC and felt well so made plans to return Thursday.

I did return. It's my personal favourite schedule, Tuesday and Thursday NYC.

I have a hard time keeping everything straight though and forgot that we are going out on Saturday. 

So, I am a bit run down again. I am quite certain that I am not physically fully recovered from this past year. Last year I was preparing for hammer toe surgery. The recovery took a while + I was not as active so I lost strength. And then January-March happened. I was so very sick physically and then lost my memory. It was the most acute painful agonizing time I have gone through.  I have no idea the amount of depletion I have experienced. I just know that it is significant. 

So today I am doing a lot of resting. 

And trying to accept things as they are. 

May God have mercy on us 🙏 

Thanks to God ... NYC happened

I made it to NYC! I woke up in the middle of the night and was wondering if I would be able to go. So thankful that I was able to!

I read 70 pages of St Silouan the Athonite. On page 381 now. It is a 500 page book 📖 and I am taking notes usually from every page. So it takes me a while. It's that sort of book. Thoughtful, packed with wisdom.... I am using it for my writing project and am seeing lots of things that connect to it. So I make notes about that as well. I am also learning a lot personally from this book.

I am very thankful that I had a day to spend reading it! If I am home I get distracted by other things so a full day (10 to 5) reading was a real blessing. 

We have DV church tomorrow. I would love to go back to NYC Thursday but we shall see. 

I do hope finishing my reading 📚 of this book in the next week.  

It's a deep book but also very beautiful. 

My library NYC days are some of my favourite days. 

May God have mercy on us 🙏 

Bread

Baked my favourite fruit and nut bread! We enjoyed it for breakfast!

I am hoping to go to NYC tomorrow but will see.  I am hoping to make good progress on the St Silouan book.

I have a lunch pretty much packed for tomorrow. 

May God have mercy on us 🙏 

Clear

After a difficult week, Church helped me. I was really tired but yet by God's mercy I feel like my head has cleared a little at least. 

And I finally managed to get our table and kitchen clean. That was really making things difficult as it was so cluttered and messy. 

I have made some dough for bread and hope it turns out well! 

I am greatful for this Sunday and that I feel better than I was earlier. 

Home and remembering Larissa

We got a drinking water spout with filter installed under the sink today! It is working great. 

I burnt my hand ✋️ but it's already getting better! We will see how it feels tomorrow. 

Today was the second anniversary of Larrissa’s falling asleep 🙏 

We prayed for her and her parents especially tonight at church ❤️🙏

a funny and brief update

A funny ⬆️ I saw recently.

Late night after being in NYC my throat was sore. It's been on and off since. I am laying low for the most part. Not necessarily sleeping well. 

Thanks God it is not worse.

May God protect us.

Today in NYC

A party nearby to my library. White tablecloths on hangers, tables being brought out of the truck...

A story in a story. The party is one, the three men getting the tablecloths and tables out are 3 more stories. 

I went to my library. Read more about St Silouan by St Sophrony. 

The love of one's enemies. Profound. 

This book teaches so much. It's deep rich and full of wisdom. 

I am so grateful for it.

As I am for my Husband. He is a deep gift from God to me.

Today included walks

I walked 6k steps today. 

Did PT.

Took a walk with a friend. 

My ankle is much better. 

I am struggling to just stay in the present. 

Also tired. 

Really hope for a restful weekend. 

God help us 🙏 

What Kindness Looks Like

 

Over and over and over again I have to remember this. I think in the video I shared yesterday Fr Stephen Freeman says: even Christ said --

I have not come to judge the world, I came to save it.

For all different reasons we are tempted to judge another; it can be of course first our sin of pride, every human being struggles with this in life, but also sometimes because we don't realize that we are sad or lonely and just want to feel less alone. Does that make sense? We look for someone to relate to and when we judge another person we seperate ourselves from that person (more lonely) or are upset because they don't fit what who we think we need in our lives. (That also would be pride).

From what I understand, the more we know God and God the Father's love for us, for everyone, the less we will so quickly think ill of another person.

Another way that has helped me (I struggle with this sadly and that's why I can write about it) is to think about a profound line I read a few years ago about someone who was dying and trying to tell the girl he loved that he was dying:

He's been trying to say goodbye to you all this time.

(paraphrased).

If I think about the fact that ALL of us will die then we will be less likely to want to waste time hurting a person, even in our thoughts, when we will all die one day. And then we can never take back, save by God's mysterious mercy, any unkindness we did to another.

Our happiness, freedom and joy comes when we love others....

[photo shared from a friend]

[wrote this on social media this morning, wanted to share here]

Now that is powerful

 

Fully recommend.  Really good, powerful. 

It came and a lovely video

Thank You Jesus.  My passport came about 5:30 PM.

THIS video of a talk in 1995 by Fr Roman Braga was really consoling. 

❤️🙏

May God have mercy on us.

Tuesday and waiting

Today I really hoped to go back to NYC. 

However my passport didn't come yesterday like it was supposed to. 

We have had package theft so I felt that I had no choice but to stay home, make the phone calls to try to locate it and now wait for it to come. 

I have not been sleeping well so everything is a bit harder right now. 

May God have mercy on us 🙏 

9/11 and St John the Baptist

 I wrote this earlier today. 

September 11: 22 years ago.  A whole generation has grownup after what we know as 9/11.

My Husband was in New Jersey on this fateful day.  

On the Julian calendar (the one our church uses) it is the somber Feast of the Beheading of St John the Baptist. 

My Husband was in liturgy for this feast and did not know of the tragdy until later that day. 

I was living in Fort Langley BC Canada and was in the middle of my undergraduate studies (for various reasons including moving schools it took me 8 years to finish my Hons BA in English Lit).  

My roommate at the time told me the shocking news.  I remember calling a dear friend who lived South of the Border (i.e. the US) and telling her to stay home as the border was closed.  We were all in shock.  

Now, 22 years later, I live very near to Manhattan (on the NJ side) and not far from, as the crow flies, from the former World Trade Centre Twin Towers.  I can see the new building, the Freedom Tower, as it is sometimes called, if I go within 30 minutes of where I live.

When inexplicable (to us on this side of things) tragedy and horror happens we mourn.  

But our mourning must also include repentance.  We must cling to Christ over all and trust Him when our lives are falling apart.  

Met Kallistos Ware in his book 'The Inner Kingdom' that what man desire most of all, but does not realize, is repentance. 

St John the Baptist, along with Jesus' Mother, (who was chosen to bear the second Person of the Triune God), to be the GREATEST of Saints.  St John the Baptist's humility (I must decrease so He can increase) is to be our guide in this life.  His call to repentance to prepare people's hearts for the coming of the Messiah, Jesus Christ, is still on going today. 

We, myself included, must learn to see things with new eyes. 

What can be seen, in St John the Baptist's beheading, after a young woman dances and the king promises her anything and her evil mother asks for St John the Baptist's head, is a horrible thing. 

But that is not the end.  I still remember my priest in Ottawa peaching on this, straight from the Church's understanding:  

As St John the Baptist preached the coming of Christ on earth, so he was sent down to Hades, before Christ came to it and broke hell's gates on Pascha (Easter), to do what? to preach to all in Hades that Christ is coming there. 

St John the Baptist foretold the GREATEST of victories, our Lord's Ressurection. 

So do you see?  What seems on this somber day to be a triumph of evil became the proclamation of the greatest news that the world would ever hear:

Christ is not here, He has Risen.  

Christ is Risen! Indeed HE IS RISEN.

Sophia and processing the past

A year ago Friday a young girl named Sophia died. The same day as Queen Elizabeth. 

Sophia, the daughter of a young priest, oldest child of 4.  

I was in Ottawa to celebrate our 10th anniversary. 

It was such a joyous time that day. 

But the whole time I was aware of Sophia and was in grief. 

Actually it was one of the hardest trips back to my beloved Ottawa of my whole life. 

It was wonderful and terribly difficult all at once. I got to see beloved friends and had many very special meals. Including with Peter who died this past Great and Holy Friday. 

The last time I saw him I told him I loved him. 

I  was in so much complicated grief that I couldn't stay at the church I loved so much. 

I had first a year of profound loss.  Then I had a year of more profound loss and deeply traumatic illness.

Thank God I have God's help. The Saints.  And psychological support.  And friends. And my valiant Husband. 

Life has times of real suffering. I know I am in one but also a year I pray of growth and repentance. 

I also understand that it is going to take more time to recover emotionally (at the very least) from my time of great illness. 

Ottawa was a gift those 7 beautiful years. It was a gift to return last year. I pray God allows me to return again. I don’t know when especially as I am not physically or emotionally as strong because of this past year. 

And so it is.

The wonderful thing is that God is still here.  And He is full of light, of love. 

11th Wedding Anniversary

We celebrated quietly at home and went to vespers tonight 💙🙏

A Quiet Wednesday

Busy days. Today I rested and did research. 

Yesterday I made a pasta bake and did PT.

Talked with my sister-friend. 

Thanking God for a peaceful quiet day 🙏