Sunday ~ a Day of Grace

 

Today did not go as I thought it would

but is according to what God saw as best. 

I had a really rought week.

Tons of temptations, insomnia and sickness.

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Long story short, I got the cold that is going around, 

was sick in bed all day yesterday, 

barely getting out of bed because I was so weak,

and finally I am sleeping again. 

After some weeks of PTSD insomnia triggers

that I did not fully understand. 

***

October 1st I was doing much better, 

healing has a lot of ups and downs. 

***

So my goddaugther is getting married any minute now

I am here at home praying for her

while she is undergoing one of the most beautiful 

sacraments of her entire life. 

My friend S. is going to read my speech at the reception

on my behalf.  I am consoled.

The speech is for them so I will not be sharing it here or elsewhere. 

***

One thing I used to be really good at was rest and self-care.

Complex PTSD has basically destroyed most everything and it's like

I have to relearn all my skills again. 

***

So: Note To Self and Anyone Else Who Needs to Know:

When you don't sleep all night, you need to rest as much as possible afterwards. 

If you can, stop what you are doing, change your plans and just rest. 

***

Because I had insomnia really bad when I had my medical trauma of illness

before the medical huge trauma of my memory loss,

it triggers me and I think I have to stay up so that I can sleep the next day

when actually I need rest and a lot of quiet and calm music.

Basically I need to re-establish the calm in me. 

***

I must not feel guilty for the PTSD insomnia because it's mental illness

and I know I have it and God is mercciful and helps with it. 

***

May God have mercy on us all. 

please pray

I am typing on my phone. Blogger still flips my pictures upside down if I blog on my phone. 🤷

I had so much insomnia again in the last weeks that earlier this week my vision was blurry.  Which caused me to have a PTSD flashback. Because that's what happened the last time I went to NYC before I lost my memory.  Before I almost died.

A flashback is when you get trapped in the past trauma and it's like it is happening all over again.

I talked with my therapist TWICE this week it was so bad.  I've kept in contact with lots of friends asking for prayer.  

I am trying so hard to keep it together.

this song has been one of the songs keeping me steady.... It is like Aunt Beast in Madeleine L'Engle book, feeding me.... 

Also one called "God I'm not OK but I am still here"...

I am ready Sean's new book Over Yonder it's really good.

My Husband fell ill with a cold.  Now I have the cold.  I am to speak at my goddaughter's wedding reception this Sunday God willing.

I hope I will be able to do so.  

Please pray for me.  And my goddaughter and her fiance.  And my Beloved Husband.

Many Things ~ The Protection of the Mother of God

Ok. HELLO WORLD (LOL). 

It's been a minute. 

..... 

A day or so has gone past since I wrote the above two sentences LOL. 

My life is a bit BUSY right now. 

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I can tell I am healing.

Last Saturday we were at liturgy, early and the morning was still

cooler and the sun was beautiful and the trees, the leaves, the sense of dew,

I felt it so strongly.

I was quietly overjoyed because I had not had that experience in almost 3 years.

I did not know if I would ever have it again.

***

My illness and memory loss was like a fire that destroyed a forest 

or a green verdant field 

and all that was left was burnt soil, the grass, the trees, everthing, 

gone, destroyed, absent. 

***

I am slowly texting my family and friends like I used to do.

My Husband today sent me the funniest passage from the 

Brother's Karmazov, telling me joyfully,

Elizabeth will find this hilarious.

***

He had lost his Elizabeth for almost 3 years.

that's the first time he's done that in a very long time. 

***

I still have short term memory problems, 

that insomnia does not help

and I had a PTSD trigger again this week and have

had a lot of insomnia.

***

I am still working through the grief of many things, 

of having Complex PTSD, of seeing how ill I was,

of seeing that I will never be the same...

***

When you literally almost die, and your Husband has to force you to eat,

to drink and you have no clue who he is but obey,

when you come back, and then heal from the deep trauma of it, 

which I am still doing... but...

the world, oh this beautiful crazy broken amazing world. 

It's so much more beautiful now.

Because God let me return to it after losing everything. 

***

I still have grief.

I still find myself suddenly weeping at times. 

But that is healthy. 

That I know.

***

I am working on a very special essay.

***

We had Larissa's 4th memorial service.

It was very special. 

Healing.

***

May God have mercy on us all.