Many Things ~ The Protection of the Mother of God

Ok. HELLO WORLD (LOL). 

It's been a minute. 

..... 

A day or so has gone past since I wrote the above two sentences LOL. 

My life is a bit BUSY right now. 

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I can tell I am healing.

Last Saturday we were at liturgy, early and the morning was still

cooler and the sun was beautiful and the trees, the leaves, the sense of dew,

I felt it so strongly.

I was quietly overjoyed because I had not had that experience in almost 3 years.

I did not know if I would ever have it again.

***

My illness and memory loss was like a fire that destroyed a forest 

or a green verdant field 

and all that was left was burnt soil, the grass, the trees, everthing, 

gone, destroyed, absent. 

***

I am slowly texting my family and friends like I used to do.

My Husband today sent me the funniest passage from the 

Brother's Karmazov, telling me joyfully,

Elizabeth will find this hilarious.

***

He had lost his Elizabeth for almost 3 years.

that's the first time he's done that in a very long time. 

***

I still have short term memory problems, 

that insomnia does not help

and I had a PTSD trigger again this week and have

had a lot of insomnia.

***

I am still working through the grief of many things, 

of having Complex PTSD, of seeing how ill I was,

of seeing that I will never be the same...

***

When you literally almost die, and your Husband has to force you to eat,

to drink and you have no clue who he is but obey,

when you come back, and then heal from the deep trauma of it, 

which I am still doing... but...

the world, oh this beautiful crazy broken amazing world. 

It's so much more beautiful now.

Because God let me return to it after losing everything. 

***

I still have grief.

I still find myself suddenly weeping at times. 

But that is healthy. 

That I know.

***

I am working on a very special essay.

***

We had Larissa's 4th memorial service.

It was very special. 

Healing.

***

May God have mercy on us all.