Sunday ... and Monday ... At Home

 

I started this yesterday, Sunday!

I can tell that God is doing things through my foot injury,

this is the fourth time I have been laid up with a foot injury. 

It's hard not just because of the discomfort or pain, 

but because you are suddenly basically shut in the house

and are more helpless. 

I remember years ago in Ottawa, 

my Ukrianian Mom (basically a family that adopted me 

in Ottawa as I had no family there) came a lot with food,

another man from church did my laundry, 

taking it down 3 or 4 flights of stairs,

and others came as well.

I had to have rides to the doctor, to the hospital...

that was rough!

Then I broke my ankle, how many years ago now? 

I found an old blog post! 2017. 8 years ago! WOW. 

Look at Cute Cleo Cat

...I personally expect to see her in Heaven one day, 

I miss her!!!, here's the picture of her from that blog post:

It's like SO FUNNY.  Poor Cleo, I was such a brat LOL.

Putting her in my basket like that!!! 

Oh man...!!!

my "saintly" patient Cleo Cat LOL. 

like HI... LOL... OK...

***

so after that...

 I started having a lot of foot pain, 3 years ago it really started up...

and I had 3 hammertoes with surgery 3 year ago this coming October.

Looking back, I was so stressed,

I was also in a lot of grief at the same time...

My sister's adoption of her second son fell through completely,

after we were told at his birth that he was for sure to be adopted.

The level of organizational failure they endured was 

collassal.  I have a friend who worked in this field and was

aghast at how badly it went. 

So there was that, plus sickness, death of a friend, other deep losses,

the war that I don't talk about here really

between two Orthodox countries, 

of which I have dear friends from both countries

who go to many Orthodox churches in the States and Canada, 

traumatized me deeply.  I hate politics and I can't talk about that more

but in 2022 when it began, I was in such shock that I did not even 

remember to change my icons out for Great Lent and I never forget to do that. 

So I had a lot going on. 

***

Something I understand more was that in 2023, when I had to have the foot

surgery, I was really anxious about it, because the 2017 time was so stressful.

Back in 2017 my Husband was in a really dificult time in his life,

NOT at all his fault, I can't go into details but we were both

suffering because of things others were doing that we could not control.

Suddenly I was helpfuless, broken ankle, the help we hired turned out to be 

nearly more work than help, it ended strangely and badly, but I will not 

talk more about that it could have been much worse,

my Husband had to suddenly take care of me on top of his already 

huge load of suffering and worry...  

I had been looking at a map on my phone while walking and feel off a big curb

and my ankle break was instant and it was Mid-Pentecost and I was going to liturgy,

but obviously never made it there. 

***

So 2023, already hit with tons of loss and trauma,

I was really anxious about being laid up with injured foot

again after my hammertoe surgery.

The memories of 2017 were all too close... 

By the time I had the surgery, I coudl bearly walk or stand

because of the pain. 

Well, I survived that surgery and recovery.

But I was physically depleted.

NOW I know: I should not have fasted at all.

I was too physically ill to do any fast 

(Orthdoox fast from meat and dairy on

Wednesday/Friday).

but if  you are ill, that IS your fast.

So lesson learned. 

But it lead to everything else that happened. 

Which was this: 

I got a cold over Christmas, a really bad one, 

while visiting my parents and extended family.

That cold turned into a sinus infection.

I went on antibiotics.

Guess what? I now know that I am allergic to antibiotics. 

So I got that rash again on January 6th 2023.

I was put on WAY TOO MUCH steroid medicine.

I went manic, mentally ill, took a sleeping med,

begged for more of the same sleeping med, 

because I was suffering so deeply,

but I was already mentally ill and did not understand

that this sleeping med can make you crazy

so then I lost my memory for two weeks,

was in a type of great agony, a type of hell really, 

my Mom flew out, my Husband was in the greatest 

agony of his life because suddenly I lost my mind, 

I did not know who he was, I would not even eat or drink

unless he made me, so suddenly I was needing 24 hour care

and he was in his own type of great hell, 

his wife, AKA, best friend, was gone and a scared traumatized

confused demented (dementia like) memory-loss woman was in her place. 

Well, we got through that by the mercy and grace of God.

Then comes what happens after such severed medical trauma: 

the mental illness of PTSD.

While having PTSD I had three or four more things going on 

that either caused more deep trauma or just changed my life

in ways that basically God was flipping my life upside down

to get me out of the situation I was in 

(great mental illness and agony of Complex PTSD). 

WHEW. That's A LOT. 

***

And NOW, drum roll!!!! 4th foot injury. 

Stress fracture and toe fracture, from what I have been told.

I will not see the x-ray report until Thursday, so I feel like I am waiting 

for confirmation on everything, meanwhile... 

I am back to not walking much, not being able to leave the house, 

we got some stairs in the place we live now...

I see my new foot doctor Thursday.

***

I had gone to vespers on Saturday with my boot and ended up walking half a mile

without trying too.  Then I was up most of the night because of the foot pain. 

So my foot doctor this morning said don't do that again, you need to heal more first.

OK. 

***

So my first foot injury was when I got run over by 1 car wheel when I did not see

a car coming and stepped out into the intersection, that was 2008.

See blog post, this was when my Ukranian family and church family and 

friends helped me so much... 

***

 So, my sister sent me this funny song this morning...

I am learning patience on a NEW LEVEL ... again... 

God is very faithful in teaching one isn't He? LOL 

Here's the song from her childhood... and mine... she's a few years younger 

than me but I remember this in the distant memory of our past... 

Patience - Rappin Rabbit's Christian Habits" on YouTube

My sister knows me well, this was the perfect thing for me to hear!

LOL.... 

I found the chorus to the song online:

"I can’t wait to have patience because patience is a wonderful thing.

Hurry up! Let me have it! Gotta get it now! I want it more than anything!

This has taken long enough! Give me some of that patience stuff!

I can’t wait to have patience! Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!"

***

Well. It's really like that. 

***

Yet, also...

***

It's hard.  I can't leave the house, I am going to lose strength

again, after working so hard on gaining it, 

I will lose muscle tone, I may need PT again.  I don't know when I can 

go back to church because of our all stairs... Yet...

 I can see so much that God is taking care of me.

I am beyond blessed. 

***

Back when I first hurt my foot 17 (?!) years ago! 

(right foot that time to be exact), I had just taken a job

but not started it yet.

A job that just under 6 months later I lost.

It was a complicated situation and I learned a lot

and God gave me a lot through that suffering,

and the suffering I went through afterwards, 

when I did not know what to do,

tried to learn French to get a job, since

I lived in Ottawa, the capital of Canada and most of the jobs there

are biliqual and if you don't know French you are super limited.... during that time 

I missed a form in my tax return, thus got more

money that I should have,

while being careful with money, I spent that money

becuase I was unemployed and had to pay rent;

only to find out that I had to give the money back 

since I did my tax return wrong; 

I don't remember how, all I remember is I did not include 

something I was supposed to, an honest mistake.

I think I did not use a tax service that year because I was trying to save

money; you know, a situation that I was doing the best I could but

made an innocent mistake.

***

Let me tell you ~ if you don't have a job,

are applying like crazy and getting interviews,

but no job,

and then you get a tax bill that is the rest of your savings

(it was only about 2 months rent if that, but when you

are in-between jobs and don't have any rich relatives,

it's a serious thing)... I was nearly homeless and I knew it... So:

it's pretty stressful. 

***

God did something amazing during that time:

I still remember it vividly.

God had provided money for two months (rent only,

not food, hydro or my phone/internet bill; 

and certainly not my school loans);

and I was back down to my last 300 dollars, my rent 

was over 800 dollars a month, besides hydro and food,

internet and phone.  

I had just gone to my bank, about 2 blocks from where I was living

in downtown Ottawa... paid my bills and that's why I was at my last 

300 dollars, which was not enough for rent, not to mention food

or phone/internet (hi job searching) or hydro (electricity for my apartment)

 and... as I was walking back to my apartment,

I told the Lord in a really pivotal moment in my life,

that I surrendered.  That if God wanted me to keep living by God's hand, 

thorugh the charity of others, then I accepted it. 

Apparently, God was waiting for me to get to that exact point.

Within an hour I had an interview 

that was actually for a contract that they needed someone for

and I got it hands down because I had already interviewed with them

and they liked me.

Readers, I went from 300 dollars to thousands of dollars 

in 2 months.  Because it was a really good contract.

It was enough for me to live carefully on for about 4 months, 

with half of the money saved for taxes, since I was an 

independant contractor 

(that meant my taxes were not taken out in advance). 

And then I got another contract or two, same money.

***

During this time of contract money but not a full time job,

I learned about the man that I married less than 2 years later.

God gave me contracts, another job which ended and then another job

out of the blue and that was my last job, they really liked me, would have loved to 

keep me longer (it was not permanent) and I was planning my wedding

and move to the States and all changed and suddenly I was married,

honeymoon over and there I was, a new Bride in New Jersey,

homesick for Ottawa, for Canada, in love, in so much change and 

then I got mono 4 months later

and so life went, with ups and downs until now, over 12 years later...

***

I can tell I am getting better with the PTSD.

My therapist who saw me through my memory loss and illness afterwards is

thrilled for me.  

It's like God is helping me inwardly stand on my feet again by having me

be unable physically to stand on my feet that much right now.

***

And as usual I am having ups and downs with that.

Moments where I feel really down and anxious,

moments when I am happy or willing to rest.

***

I think that is the hardest thing for me,

trust and resting in God and God's timing. 

"take my heart, take and seal it..." comes to mind, from this hymn:

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it;

  Prone to leave the God I love:

Take my heart, oh, take and seal it

  With Thy Spirit from above.

Rescued thus from sin and danger,

  Purchased by the Savior’s blood,

May I walk on earth a stranger,

  As a son and heir of God.

***

.... well... here I am, all these years later,

on the couch with pillows for my foot, with my Husband working 

in his office at home, it's raining, I can hear that he is having a meeting... 

I have some foot pain/discomfort, for sure, but it could be so much worse.

***

At the rate I am going, it's quite possible that I will have

foot problems again, 

but one day at a time. I am just trying to accept the present and do what 

God was teaching me so many years ago, but that I keep needing new

lessons on:

Be with God today.

***

Well, meanwhile, I have a really good book to read

and I am going to go read more of it,

it's this one:

The War of the Maps (The Vanished Kingdom Book 3)

By Jonathan Auxier

who, as God had it, I knew in my undergraduate years

as our time overlapped there... have not seen him

in over 20 years but I am so thrilled that he is an accomplished

published writer... this book thus far (I am still in the first pages)

is delightful. 

***

So, I get a rest.  I get to be blessed in new ways.

I just have to sit still and open my eyes to it. 

I have a lot of internal work to do this summer to get even 

stronger in terms of my emotional/mental health. 

***

My memory loss was like this:

A green grass field suddenly destroyed, 

burnt to a cinder, the very soil destroyed,

having to be carted away, new soil brought in,

slowly, then later new things planned in the fragile

new soil and much tending, watering, and waiting... 

and everything having to be rebuilt.

All my habits, everything, was lost and I am still

rebuilding. 

***

This blog post is long enough but really, 

it's like that for me, 

and recovering from it takes a lot of work, time, a lot of mistakes,

humililation, pain, tears, ups and downs. 

So God is giving me a time of rest.

The rest is not without pain or loneliness, 

but yet rest it is.

And so, on this grey cloudy day, 

with cars heard on wet roads outside,

the sound of birds chirping, 

my fingers clicking this new keyboard,

new books ordered, two already here and more coming,

I get to do what God wants me to do, and I think wishes me

to do everyday but I forget:

Rest.  Surrender.  Trust. 

a little bit more (a successful roast chicken)

 

I roasted another chicken today.

This time I found this recipe

which is from I.G. who is famous but who 

I had not used her recipes but this one I used this way:

it calls for a 5 to 6 lb chicken

roasted at 425 F for 1.5 hours.

That's what I needed.

For I had a 5 lb chicken, needed merely how long to roast it

and what temperature. 

And that I could roast vegetables with it. 

The genius of it, for me, was that I did not have to put

butter on it as I had before but merely melt butter and 

pour it on. So simple!

the skin was brown and perfectly chrisp! 

I put a few garlic cloves under the skin, 

one half of a large onion in 2 chunks,

with a lemon cut in half and put inside the cavity of the 

chicken along with the onion. 

Some potatoes and carrots on the side of the chicken.

Melted butter and then liberal salt and pepper

on both the chiken and vegetables. 

That was it. 

Nothing needed on the vegetables, just 

salt and pepper. 

Perfectly roasted, not burnt vegetables. 

***

I've been struggling with things that I can't 

talk about but this was at least a success.

***

A friend texted me this, 

she found it on Facebook,

I chopped it so it was not showing anyone's name, 

just to be clear this is not a meme I made

but the words therein are very encouraging. 

***

that really is it, isn't it?

To pray and trust no matter

what struggles we are in,

that we can be saved,

that God can and will help us. 

***

Well, I hope I can at least remember

that this roast chicken recipe was simple,

did not take much time

and turned out beautifully,

despite the challenges at present.

changes

 

I got a new Chromebook.  It's still heavy but smaller. 

But it can do more and I needed for it's functionality. 

we had a Bright Friday meal.

It actually was not my best.

I have a stress fracture in my foot and it was 

to be honest

too much standing but everything happened so fast,

Wednesday dianosis after a long planned party and

groceries coming the next day for it.

So I tried to manage it by changing to using the slow cooker

for a chicken and vegetable meal but the vegetables did not cook well.

I did my best under somewhat difficult circumstances and

at least the company were long time friends who have been 

with us through many ups and downs in life. 

***

The chicken cooked very well, btw.

If I would have had a newer slow cooker oval shaped

it would have been better. 

***

I still have some short term memory issues unfortunately

from not necessarily the memory loss I had but the fact

that what I went through caused me to have Complex PTSD.

That has memory issues as a result. 

***

I am working as hard as I can to heal.

Lots of therapy, lots of trying different things. 

***

Complex PTSD is when it lasts longer than a few months BTW.

***

Anyway, 

all I know is God is still with us in all the struggles of life. 

***

It's a constant struggle to pick up the threads of life,

especially when one has had severe changes and trauma.

We all want to know we can make a difference.

We all need the Lord.

Those two things I know.

***

God, thank Him, knows and understands everything.

And still, He loves us...

***

May God have mercy on us all and 

bring us to Himself and to His will and loving arms. 

and onwards one goes

 

2025 already!

Sorry I can't blog much these days.

Blogger does not work on my phone,

I am often not on my chromebook, 

and just don't have time for everything...

***

I wrote the following on social media.

***

Well. I got a lot to be thankful for. I got to see my doctor today. I have always expereinced such understanding from her, she is very kind. I have a mild sinus infection. I was hoping it was just a cold but it's not bad enough to need antibiotics, which I really don't want unless it's super needed. I did not need a chest x-ray.

{back story on Friday I was told by a different medical

professional that I would need a chese x-ray}

Friday was so hard. But I am learning as I go. Healing takes a long time and when you have expereinced trauma, it takes way longer than you expect to heal from it.

So I got to eat in NYC at my favourite place

(tea and sympathy) which I hope will make it.

Prices are going up, taxes on imports too

and they have a lot of things from England,

and I really hope they will be OK.

Growth, at any age, I find, is not easy or straightforward. I have been blessed with some good night sleeps. I often suffer from insomnia so when I have that blessing, I don't take it lightly.

I've been slowly reading some Corrie ten Boom books,

I used to read her when I was a young teen and young adult.

Some people, even just in books,

come back to you in your life just at the right time.

I am finding her not only instructive

but very comforting and simple.

But what God did through her is very humbling - to go through that sort of hell - as even she describes it - the consecration camps -

and later forgiving her enemies and telling people all over the world that God their Father loves them

and that Christ is full of forgiveness and love...

it's really a deep comfort,

seeing what she did by God's will and strength...

My favourite tea (toast and jam by yorkshire tea)

is discontinued sadly, I made two orders from amazon of 3 boxes

each because it's my favourite.

It comforted me with warm cups of tea

for the last few years. I am glad, I hope, God willing,

that the packages will come safely and

I will have some left to enjoy.

But also I see that God gives one thing to comfort us,

then it is slowly taken from us and we must trust God that something different, and even better for us, will take it's place...

In the book, Ladder to Heaven, detachement is the bottom rung.

It's always what I am working on.

But I know the secret:

if you see yourself on the bottom, someday,

by God's mercy,

God will lead you to Himself, who is LOVE

and you will find yourself safe in the arms of Jesus, which if everyone knew such loving arms,

they would run to Christ without fear because Christ's radical, accepting love is the greatest reality that exists,

warming and saving us.

Thanksgiving: Cooking Edition

 

Thanksgiving List: cooking edition. 

(Apologies to those starting the Nativity fast tomorrow,  we are on the Julian calendar so not fasting quite yet).  

I raided the freezer, got out 1 lb of beef and a package of chicken thighs and legs.  

Beef went with onion, oregano and fried up, then added a can of mushroom soup and then cooked egg noodles mixed in. 

 Chicken boiled with about 8 cups of water (it kept decreasing, I had to add more), then deboned and used a chicken enchilada soup mix + 12 oz of red salsa and now that's cooling on the stove. 

I mixed up some Marion Cunningham's Rescue Biscuits and had some of the 'easy beef stroganoff' with 1 biscuit and some spinach for dinner.  

I have food for all weekend + early next week! 

I am thinking of adding some more carrots to the soup, having them with tortillas and perhaps a bit more rice as well... 

Feels so good to get some cooking and baking in!

Autumn Beauty

 

I have endured one of the worst storms in my personal life over the last two years!  I think the dust is settling now.  I was so sick and unwell.  I am not going to write more about that, other than to thank God for His mercy in pulling me out of such great suffering.  It was a time that taught me a lot but now I hope to just get on with life and it's many challenges.  I am getting older, life gets harder in ways for sure because old age prepares us for Heaven and leaving everything behind, in trust that God in His mercy will receive us because we looked for His mercy in our lives.  

I don't think I will have time to regularly blog, it does not work on my phone with pictures and my life is very busy now.  But I am glad to be here at the moment and will return when I can.  God help us bear the sorrows of life and bring us to the rest in Christ that everyone so deeply desires, even if they do not realize what it is that they actual want.  

still here

Blogger still does not work on my phone for pictures.  I am hoping to do something better but am pretty busy trying to keep up with life.

My Grandma said a beautiful thing to me on the phone today:

"Prayer changes things, sometimes we have to wait."

bright Thursday

I still can't load pictures here from my phone. 

I am ok. 

I just had a very hard loss.  I found out that in Ottawa, where I lived before I was married, that a very kind man, my Ukrainian Mother’s Husband, died.  Once family always family. He was so warm gentle steady simple and unassuming.  I have been crying a lot is all I can really say about this loss.

At least I can cry.

Other than this, I am doing what I can to heal from the most difficult health crisis of my adult life.   I am doing a better but the new loss I have endured has me thrown for a loop.

I take long walks. I still have my therapist who I talk to. 

I know I am not here much. It just the way it is.  V who commented if you are the one I met 2 summers ago in MI at my beloved Monastery please feel free to email me. See the about me page. 

Other than that I have a lot to be thankful for.  I am just in a time of grief and of healing.  

test (will be removed later)

waking up to birdsong

I can't get blogger to load pictures correctly on my phone. I don't have time to do more so just here briefly. 

It's been a year yesterday that I lost my memory. 

God is bringing comfort in increments. 

Healing takes time. 

I go on walks most everyday. I am very fortunate to have therapy. Fr Thomas Hopko in his 55 maxims: 

"Get help when you need it, without fear or shame."

It is wonderful to wake up and hear the birds sing.  It is wonderful to wake up and know where one is and feel warm and safe in one's own home. 

Lord have mercy on those who do not have this great gift. 

Today

I had to save this picture via the snapseed app for Blogger to put the picture right side up. 

Beautiful icons that bless my home 🥰

I am working on more healing 🙏 and am in a better place than I was a couple of months ago. But you know, healing on a deep level, that takes the rest of one’s life. 

We have DV our house blessing soon. A year ago I was in the midst of my memory loss. So this year I hope is a year of healing as I process where I was a year ago. 

May God so grant.  🙏