Elie's Lamb Dish ~ a welcome meal on a busy (and at times stressful) day

Busy day.

Quilt guild.

Lunch. Nap. Cleaning up. 

More Cleaning up.  The kitcthen had gotten quickly

a bit out of contorl with mess because I was trying so hard to get other parts of hte house

clean... including the kitchen floor.

I just vacuumed YESTERDAY and there is already DUST on the kitchen floor.

We hope to get a HVAC guy in soon to clean our vents...

Realized that we are just too tired to go out

to vespers, exceptionally stayed in and prayed vespers at home.

And we were waiting for our new air purifier, it was out for delivery since

10 AM, finally came at 7 PM....

***

I made Elie's lamb dish.

I knew her in my undergrad days; she grew up in Isreal and was a really good friend of mine...

I do have to see if I still have her email, as I was thinking of her so much,

making this dish... 

It is so good. 

The lamb meat was not very lean, so the only thing I did

that was different than the recipe is that there was a lot of extra fat/grease

when it was all done and in the serving bowl; so I drained a bunch of that out;

or maybe I drained it out in the bowl, but before I added the lentils, I think that is right...

we were glad that we had the fat for the cooking of it, as fat = flavour,

but we really needed it drained so that it was not greasy / over fat for eating.

It drained well and easily.  

And it was just as good as I remember it!!

See recipe above!

Oh, and I did not have beef bullion so used 2 cups beef stock and 1/2 cup water.

***

Folks, we are a bit worried about Husband's breathing.

It's gotten worse this week, not better. ... And it was already bad at the

beginning of the week... 

He's on meds... for it... plus his continued insomnia, it's getting difficult for us. 

We will be following up with doctors and are doing everything

we possibly can.

I am worried; my beloved is too tired and too pale, like when he was 

sick/exhausted after getting that terrible flu back in the Spring...

I've been sleeping on the couch since Tuesday because my 

down feather duvet (I get really cold at night) is not up to code.

We ordered a new one, it's coming + a special dust mite cover for it. 

Thankfully the air purifier did come and is working great in the bedroom.

This is what it looks like:

It as red when we first turned it on, which means poor air quality.

It's not red anymore, but it's not always staying at 'blue' which means 'good' either.

Anyway, it's been a bit of a challenging day, 

just in terms of feeling like we are not making a lot of headway on 

getting the house in order and Husband feeling better.

Please pray for us. 

I am so thankful for my Husband and love him so much.... 

The City I Love

Ottawa.

I love it here.

*

Tonight I talked with an older Indian woman

wearing a Sari

and heard about her life...

*

It was really nice.

*

I now know that I have another second round interview

on August 15th-

new calendar Dormition.

Last year I was at the monastery for their feast;

this year I will be trusting in their prayers

as I interview...

*

I miss home and really wish I could visit.

But instead I will be thankful that I have a home to miss.

Transition and Prayer

So many who I care for,

in person and in the blog world

are grieving the loss of a recently departed

or

suffering along side one who has cancer

or

other struggles.

*

I have candles lit right now for these.

*

A friend is unexpectedly in town

and I am sad that I can't spend more time with her;

this is my last week of work;

I have a huge report to finish by Thursday.

I skipped French class tonight

so that I can cook food for the week

and clean.

Tomorrow on my 'day off'

since I work three days a week for this contact

I will be editing the report I am writing

tomorrow;

there just is not time to finish it unless I do this.

Needless to say, I am already tired.

*

And I don't know when or where I will have work again.

*

I may get more work where I was but

everything is quite uncertain;

and I live in Ottawa i.e. the nation's capital and our

Parliament was just dissolved which means a new

election

which could mean a new government

which means government budgets are impacted

which means...

it may be harder to get work.

(gulp).

*

I am seek to continue to put myself in God's hands.

I am already thinking of the next

job-search-game-plan.

*

That said, I am a bit overwhelmed.

*

But God is with us no matter what.

The Lord is with us in all things

Today is cloudy.

*

I found out yesterday

that I will not know until next week about

the Ottawa job.

*

Still struggling.

*

God promises mercy.

*

Please pray for my Grandmother who is 80

and is having knee surgery this Monday.

The doctor had some concerns about her heart.

*

The Lord knows the situations we are in...

Another day, another prayer request

I saw a girl today

collapsed on the pavement

in heavy rain

with friends and rescue people surrounding her,

a paramedic truck was on it's way over when I saw her.

Please pray for her.

*

Also, please pray for me.

I have been really inwardly troubled over something

I can't blog about

but is really painful right now.

*

I applied for another Ottawa job.

*

My interview is tomorrow

for an Ottawa job.

*

It is grey and cloudy out

and it mirrors what I feel inside

at present.

*

Yet God is our hope,

our refuge,

our eternal home.

Sunday Evening

One never knows where Cleo will be found.

Today it was inside the pillow on my chair.

Quite amusing.

One of the buildings near by City Hall...

My Mother, on Mother's Day,

gave me a good bit of encouragement.

Sometimes I suddenly look at the waves in my life,

I forget, like St. Peter, to look at Christ.

I must keep trying to learn French and see how far I can get by the

end of the summer.

***

I must develop a new routine,

cut out all and any self-pity

and try to work hard at French.

If you could pray for strength for this resolve,

I would appreciate it.

***

I am

Lord Willing

going to Brampton Ontario this week to visit my Oma

who is 101 years old

and my Mother who will be visiting her Mother.

I am grateful for God for giving me such a great

Mom and two wonderful Grandmothers!

*

Christ is Risen!!

Struggling through the layers

Part of growing up,

by which I mean,

becoming more whole

which must mean, as Anastasia

pointed out in my previous post,

is to become more like Christ.

I really appreciated all of the responses from this post,

from the understanding of those who are single

to those who are older than I...

I am gathering that one of the areas of

growing up

is to begin to see one's self more clearly.

Including those areas of one's life that

suddenly appear to be in great need of attention.

Areas that for whatever reason

it seems to be hard to become whole

to be obey Christ

to become like Christ.

For me,

with my cozy house of cat and books,

I am realizing that I am struggling against

anxiety on a fairly dramatic scale.

***

Those who know me in person

or who have read my blog for a while,

I don't think will be surprised by this.

***

Of course I am also in a situation

that is uncertain

taking French

using my savings

for an unknown future job

feels

a tad

precarious.

***

But nonetheless,

I am slowly

declaring war on the anxiety

that has been with me all too long.

***

So how to do this?

***

Going to church.

Participating in all the sacraments.

Praying.

Mediating on Scripture.

Reading Orthodox devotional material.

Repentance.

Talking to those I need to talk to about

rooting out anxiety,

reading up on the subject,

reading books by Christians on anxiety.

Re-evaluating my eating habits.

Drinking more water.

Failing and getting up again and again and again.

Prayers to St. Spyridon who a Monk

told my friend helps for anxiety

and whose prayers helped this friend.

When I can I hope to go to a monastery again,

where deep healing can be continued.

***

I just re-read Gentian Hill by Elizabeth Goudge.

In this book Elizabeth Goudge shows how fear can be faced

and conquered;

her understanding of detachment

and other insights to me are deep hints of the

Orthodox understanding of

do not react

that Metropolitan Jonah's articles made well-known

in the online Orthodox circles.

***

God will bring me

in all my weakness and brokenness

to His safe harbour.

The inner storms that buffet cannot destroy

or keep me from the love of God.

***

Be kind for everyone you know is fighting a great battle.

— Philo of Alexandria

***

The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

Psalm 103 verses 8-14

Lent can feel long sometimes

My fair city.

From last week's laundry.

Has the laundry machine company sent me my refund

for the machine not rinsing properly?

Not yet.

I did call however and they said they would.

Yeah. That was last week.

I am struggling a bit with French this week

and am feeling, well,

behind and unsettled.

Vespers tonight, so this is good.

Cleo thinks it is her job to wake me from naps,

gently walking on my bed

and lots of "meowing."

***

I feel liking I am slogging under very wet and heavy blankets.

Cleaning, eating right and prayer.

And doing my homework.

These I am seeing are my main things

I am trying to keep up with

right now.

Lord help us.

Returning but all is different...

As I said,

a few posts ago,

the move went as well as it could.

And God even provided two meals,

one Saturday and one Sunday.

And God provided beauty,

like the sun shining through these clouds,

as seen on my new small balcony.

And the second day I managed,

by the grace of God,

to put up my icon shelf,

and even got it level.

But it has been a hard week,

in ways.

I am about halfway unpacked.

A friend is coming tomorrow to help me,

my table needs to be put together,

boxes moved down from shelves in my closets

so I can put things in order.

Today I tried to put up a shelf in my bathroom,

but try as I may,

I did not get it level and am hoping that one of my friends

can be of help!

(It is a corner shelf and after getting the inside hidden brackets on the wall,

it was not fully even and so did not work).

A small thing,

but it feels big when one needs the shelf in order to empty a box onto!

Cleo is doing okay

considering the chaos

but we both wait for the day

when things are set up again.

+++

Meanwhile, I booked my plane ticket home for Christmas.

This is a good thing.

+++

I need to find a part time job for January

and feel a bit overwhelmed about this.

First, though, I need to finish unpacking.

Today was the first time I was able to make

any sort of meal in my kitchen area.

+++

Thanks be to God that my phone and internet

is up and running again.

+++

I know all will be put right in time,

I just need to wait...

On the radar

The lease is not signed.

I have given it to God and will deal with it again on Sunday.

Have asked the prayers of Archangel Michael.

I am schedule to get packing boxes,

including wardrobe boxes and a barrel for my fine china

and packing paper -

from someone I met on the street near where I live,

when I was getting boxes left for recycling.

I am working on a security clearance

form for a job agency.

This does not mean a job in hand

but perhaps in a far off bush.

+++

Tomorrow I am going to a friend's wedding.

+++

My living / dining room and kitchen have turned into a disaster zone.

+++

I am looking to God for my salvation.

Now To Wait

I handed in my application.

I will not know if I was the first applicant qualifying for the apartment

or not.

I felt peaceful.

But I am very tired.

I have been struggling with insomnia again these days.

It is unsettling to know one has to move in a month's time

and not know where they are moving to.

My current apartment is already rented.

I pray for the Lord to have mercy.

What needs to be done

1. Remember God

2. Remember that Saints surround us, especially

Christ's Holy Mother who loves us.

+++

Next - do whatever has to be done today.

I polished shoes today - cleaned, polished and waterproofed.

My brown Birkenstock shoes are full of wrinkles but well cared for.

I have had them since 1994 and for most of these years,

have worn them.

French is hard and I struggle to stay working at it.

I have a really big French day and then it wanes until I realized how lost I am in class

and resolve to try again.

My teacher reminded me that it is hard and that I,

unlike everyone else in my small class,

have the least experience in languages;

that I am starting from scratch.

I am waiting to hear if I get that part-time job.

Tomorrow I am going to see an apartment slightly

outside of the centre of downtown

that is the right price.

Please pray for me.

I thank God for His goodness.

Not What I Thought Would Happen... But May God Be Praised

My icon corner in my old apartment.

I packed up and moved amidst learning a new job.

The job that did not last.

May God be praised in all things.

I was so excited about moving to my new apartment.

My first apartment that was an "adult" apartment,

my first real one bedroom apartment.

I had it painted,

it was my dream come true.

Today, a year after giving notice at my old apartment,

I am giving notice again. It is printed and ready to be signed.

It does feel sad,

but it is temporal.

I still have so much compared to so many.

Today a miracle working icon is coming to the Cathedral.

I am going there to pray

and to vespers at my home parish tonight.

God is good to us.

May God be praised!

suivant - following

Suivant means following or the following.
I am following a partly unknown dream to what I hope is a better future.

The other half of this story is that it is a bit scary to commit
about half of one's life savings to learn a language
to try to stay in a city
that has become a home to me.

On one hand it so great to know what I am going to try to do.

Learn French.

However.

Today I am going to a Greek Monastery with my church.
And I am so relieved.
I cannot say enough about going to a good Orthodox monastery.

This past year has been very hard for me.

I was in a job that proved very difficult;

breaking my foot before that

was really hard;

not only did not I not get good care in the hospital

(not being told that you have two foot fractures
or how to care for an open wound

to name just two incidents)

but the internal wounds that come from a physical wound

take time to heal from.

Often what got me through was remembering the monastery I go to

and seeing pictures of other good Orthodox monasteries

that blog friends went to.

So today I am going to pray for a miracle:

that I can find a good apartment that I can afford

and find a way to better structure my life to learn French

(I am struggling with it already).

Alright

I am doing alright.

Overslept though today and had to take a taxi to church!

(20 minute walk normally).

I came in during the singing of the Beatitudes and veneration of the Gospel,

so it could of been worse.

I am networking tomorrow night. Prayers requested.

Eventful Days

I am still not finishing

cover letters

as soon as I wish to.

I will be going to some job searching training next week.

And I have a networking event.

So today I got my hair cut.

About 4 inches, so it is shortish again,

an above the shoulder bob.

I cut my bangs again when I got home!

A woman years ago told me the secret

to cutting one's own bangs

is to hold them out,

away from your face.

I had lunch with a friend,

dinner alone at Denny's

(I was fading and needing food)

and had talked to another dear friend before leaving

in search of a cheaper hair cut and such things.

I got an organizer for the different paperwork

for the jobs I am applying to.

It's red with stripes; very cute and inexpensive.

Tomorrow is a baptism of a lovely baby boy in my parish

and an evening chrismation of a friend

in the evening.

(Two different churches, both Orthodox).

So tomorrow will be busy and full.

I will have to pace myself,

as emotionally

the ambiguity of my current situation

is difficult - it's like an exam that is always in the distance

that feels like no matter what I do,

it stays looming and I feel just as unprepared

as the days before.

But God is prepared.

He is taking care of us, of you and me.

Remember the Lilies...

Your Father knows.

What Next?

I am back from the meeting.

She was a lovely person.

Unfortunately, she was quick to tell me

that I had been misled.

Apparently I cannot keep unemployment and learn French

(I was willing to pay for the courses)

even though the job postings for Ottawa

are 95% bilingual

(I saw another posting today, starting with,

if you are fully bilingual...).

So it looks like I cannot do the full time French classes that I wanted.

I am disappointed.

I may be able to do part time courses.

One day at a time.

Do not worry, your Father knows.

God is so good to us.

I must allow what God brings to me be for my salvation.

Lord have mercy on us - Amen.

Here...

I handed my paper in.

Will try to blog about that later;

what I learned.

My final exam is Thursday night.

I am weary

but seeking to rejoice

in the midst.

(My blog comments are fewer on other blogs I read for now,

I hope to be back to 'normal' after the weekend).

Walking Along Life's Path

From a walk near my apartment

I read a great poem

by Madeline L' Engle

yesterday.

The poem spoke of an actor

suddenly in a play

not written by herself;

totally disoriented

the actor learns that

growing up

is learning to play a part in a drama

that someone else is writing.

(I would post the poem, but believe it is still under copyright).

I am being challenged to grow, indeed,

to grow up

in ways I did not see coming.

(Perhaps I should of seen it, but that is a moot point).

I am seeing that I have to be willing to change,

to grow,

without promise of the outcome,

without knowing what my future will be.

All I know is that I have to participate in this change

and wow, can it be hard to do.

Lord have mercy.

Prayers appreciated.

Beautiful Flowers, Hard Questions and Cleo the Cat

Liliacs - I had a great walk yesterday with a friend and took pictures.

Where I first lived as a child had a liliac bush. My Mother loves them...

My Cutest Cleo Cat.

OK. The hard questions.

1. I don't know what to do yet.

I am only getting

RED lights from the professionals

(the few, okay mainly my professor

who is being honest about the field)

about the field for a PhD in humanities.

That and my own research shows that the job market is bad.

And very competitive and intense.

2. I have been asking questions. The MA I could apply to,

I could possibly still get in for September.

Would do it with two of my friends,

if I got in.

BUT with little or no funding.

This is a real concern.

Like many students I have student loans.

If I got out more,

then all the work I did to re-pay would be gone.

This does not seem to be a good move for me,

esp. given that I do not have anyone else (God of course)

to support me money wise.

(and other than a humanities librarian job in a University,

it would not get me more job prospects).

3. What does it mean to let go of this dream?

We are taught to be such idealists.

That we can do anything we want

unlimited optimism or

at least naivete.

This article talks about the students who

are considering graduate school

this professor is often discouraging them for doing so.

He went to Harvard and has a job

but he sees that many are not getting jobs.

His article is harsh but honest.

It was painful to read.

4. This one is only slightly pre-mature.

I do tend to worry a bit at times.

Still. I am processing the fact that if I do not get a job

(I've looked online, there are not any full time ones)

by the end of the summer or so,

I will most likely have to move.

I hope not out of the city itself;

I cannot afford this apartment when the lease is up,

if I do not have a full time

librarian job.

This makes me feel sad,

as my one bedroom apartment here

is so lovely.

5. The idea of having to leave to find work

and leave my Ottawa home

and my spiritual father

I do not want to contemplate.

This is the hardest of all.

But I know that God is with me.

I know that He can do anything; I know I am seek to not be afraid

and be at peace.

So I will continue trying to do so.

And to learn to love God

through this time.

And so I seek to be thankful.