small update

It looks like I may have an interview

at the end of this month

as well as the one this Friday.

*

I have really changed my reading habits over

the last two years;

have been thinking about this change for about

three or four years.

Some changes I run headlong into

others take a bit longer.

Everyone is different and every one's journey

and spiritual life is unique;

that is why there are so many Saints and they are all

individuals too.

I have been wanting to do more and more to gain

the peace that I know Christ offers

but that I have a hard time guarding.

It came to be that I became more open to radical

(or to me radical) steps to gain peace.

I am also someone who is easily impacted by outward happenings;

I blogged years ago about realizing that even listening to Amy Grant

(a childhood favourite)

would disturb my sense of inward peace.

I am what is written in the book

highly sensitive person

a book that I have never read all the words of

as I would find myself reading it too fast and get overwhelmed.

Which is kind of funny... :)

*

If I was a really spiritually strong person outward events

would not disturb me as they do;

I see this from my reading that I am slowly doing

on Saints and on prayer

(btw I am LOVING the wisdom I am seeing in

the book on Elder Leonid;

it's tying into the Ladder that I am reading;

will have to blog about that later).

*

I have been slowly trying to do more to gain peace

since I declared war on anxiety over year ago;

can't say I am always winning this one.

I sure felt overwhelmed again this morning!

*

Actually I don't know that I can say I gained anything yet.

But I believe that with God gain is possible.

That is something I am slowly seeing.

*

So what is the radical thing that I have changed?

After all this prefacing of it,

the change may seem minor :)

Anyway.

After thoughts, discussions with appropriate persons,

I decided that I should forgo reading mystery books.

Which for me was a HUGE change!

I read mystery books for years.

Even blogged about them.

I was like a 'mini-specialist' on them,

I read them so much.

And I am NOT at ALL saying that this is what others should do.

It's just that I have felt that if it will help me gain peace

than it is more than worth it.

Guess I will have to get back to you on whether it helps or not;

give me another ten years or so,

if God grants them to us all.

*

So I am selling my Agatha Christie collection.

I put it online about a month ago or so and a buyer has been found

and seems excited to be getting them - for her husband as a gift.

Which is really sweet and lovely.

So that makes me feel a bit better about giving them away.

Not getting tons for it, but I did not buy it for that much either.

I do have two biographies of her that I think I will keep,

but other than that,

I am saying goodbye to them.

It is bittersweet.

I hope to get a job so I can keep that money

and buy something special with it;

I already have a few books in mind...

*

If it can help me gain Christ though,

it is more than worth it.

*

Meanwhile,

I feel really run down

and in danger of falling prey to the flu.

Any suggestions?

What do you do to rejuvenate?

*

I am already doing some interview preparation

but I guess the selling of books was such a big thing

to me that I wanted to write about it.

*

Am thinking of MamaJuliana who had surgery today.

Let us remember her in prayer.

*

God is with us.

Towards the Weekend

Cleo showing us her balancing skills;

she has figured out how to stand on top of this chair;

the top is less than 2 inches wide, so I'd say she is

pretty balanced and nimble!

Yesterday morning was incredibly beautiful;

I have been having insomnia so I

was taking a walk a bit after 6 AM;

the summery morning of dreams!

The canal water glistened in the sun;

it was still in the cool of the day

and the flowers,

sigh, oh the flowers!

Late Spring and Summer has such precious fleeting beauty!

There is a path I walk that is a bit hidden,

the picture above is from this.

I feel like I have entered a little taste of a place of

magical beauty, like my own secret garden

in the middle of the city.

*

I have been struggling to have time to do a review

of my old (first two classes) French text book;

since I am in two classes that always have new homework and exams

it has been a challenge.

**

However,

I need to take a 90 minute online test to rank where

I am in my French knowledge

for the French BA.

If I rank really low, I would have to take classes

that I do not have time or money to take to

get me to the level needed for the BA.

***

I realized last night,

after struggling to fall and stay asleep,

that this was really stressing me out -

especially as if I do not do this BA I don't know what I will do

(i.e. to stay here and get a job when library jobs and many others

are bilingual).

So. I am going to the library soon.

I am also going to study tomorrow.

I hope to do this test on Saturday during the day.

*

Would appreciate prayers for this;

sometimes I feel like I am making progress in French

but other times I get overwhelmed by how much

I have to learn...

*

BTW, I can retest at the end of the summer,

and do the 90 minute test again.

Monday / a Lundi

A Close up of Cleo.

:)

After waking me at 6 am, I find I still love her!

Lucky for her...

A really beautiful day today.

And I achieved my goal of studying this morning in the library.

But OH MY GOODNESS do I have a lot to review

and learn.

Lord help me.

I cannot express how encouraging having my

lampada lit

day and night is.

Light in the darkness;

the light will never be overcome by night.

*

It was recently St. George's Day

(old calendar)

and this year I discovered that there is a

St. Elizabeth the Dragon Slayer

the day of after St. George's Day.

Wow.

*

I have a lot to do to get ready for my short trip away.

Balancing trip-planning, French studying...

**

A friend offered to help me network;

I reworked my resume

and carefully crafted my email to go with the resume.

***

I am reading some books by Christian Protestant author

Archibald Hart;

I admit that I find his website to be a bit overwhelming,

not to mention that he has, with his daughters,

created an Institute.

However,

regardless of my inclinations to want things all tidy

and artistic

(I did a BA in English Lit)

I found my friend's suggestion to take a look at his books

worth while.

As you may remember,

I declared war on anxiety

and part of this war was getting books.

Hart's books (and one that his daughter co-wrote)

are one of the tools I am

using to fight.

I hope to do some book reviews on them,

but for now suffice it to say

that I am trying to build new habits in my life

as part of this effort.

First up is improving my eating habits.

More green and other vegetables.

I tend to eat lots of bread

and not as much in the area of vegetables,

unless I make a good soup.

So far, so good.

It is tricky to understand all the areas

that need to be examined;

and how blessed I am to have such good food

easily available to eat.

***

Second is to get more sleep.

On that note, I better do so presently!

*

Christ is Risen!

Struggling through the layers

Part of growing up,

by which I mean,

becoming more whole

which must mean, as Anastasia

pointed out in my previous post,

is to become more like Christ.

I really appreciated all of the responses from this post,

from the understanding of those who are single

to those who are older than I...

I am gathering that one of the areas of

growing up

is to begin to see one's self more clearly.

Including those areas of one's life that

suddenly appear to be in great need of attention.

Areas that for whatever reason

it seems to be hard to become whole

to be obey Christ

to become like Christ.

For me,

with my cozy house of cat and books,

I am realizing that I am struggling against

anxiety on a fairly dramatic scale.

***

Those who know me in person

or who have read my blog for a while,

I don't think will be surprised by this.

***

Of course I am also in a situation

that is uncertain

taking French

using my savings

for an unknown future job

feels

a tad

precarious.

***

But nonetheless,

I am slowly

declaring war on the anxiety

that has been with me all too long.

***

So how to do this?

***

Going to church.

Participating in all the sacraments.

Praying.

Mediating on Scripture.

Reading Orthodox devotional material.

Repentance.

Talking to those I need to talk to about

rooting out anxiety,

reading up on the subject,

reading books by Christians on anxiety.

Re-evaluating my eating habits.

Drinking more water.

Failing and getting up again and again and again.

Prayers to St. Spyridon who a Monk

told my friend helps for anxiety

and whose prayers helped this friend.

When I can I hope to go to a monastery again,

where deep healing can be continued.

***

I just re-read Gentian Hill by Elizabeth Goudge.

In this book Elizabeth Goudge shows how fear can be faced

and conquered;

her understanding of detachment

and other insights to me are deep hints of the

Orthodox understanding of

do not react

that Metropolitan Jonah's articles made well-known

in the online Orthodox circles.

***

God will bring me

in all my weakness and brokenness

to His safe harbour.

The inner storms that buffet cannot destroy

or keep me from the love of God.

***

Be kind for everyone you know is fighting a great battle.

— Philo of Alexandria

***

The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

Psalm 103 verses 8-14