Been Better

Hard night sleep.

Feverish.

I feel ill.

I feel like the ambiguity and endings in my life

are driving me crazy.

I have been reading a book by Margaret Drabble,

it's about 20 years old

called

The Gates of Ivory

and is about the holocaust in Cambodia.

How can North American Life seem so crushing

when there are people who lost

whole families?

All I can do is silently but loudly beg God to take me out of this

time of the unknown;

with door after door closing

but other doors

closing

but maybe not closing

and merely causing confusion.

(Sorry to be vague; too much is unknown to me).

My spiritual father spoke this past Sunday

of St. Peter walking to Christ

in Christ.

He spoke of Jesus coming to His disciples in the

4th hour of the night

during a great storm and that

the 4th hour is the hour

when people think all is lost

storm at sea

no hope of rescue

abandoned

and this is when Jesus comes

and says Peace be to you, Be Not Afraid.

Step, Breath, Step...

Some of my meetings are over now.

I feel like I am getting sick.

My sister and brother-in-law are visiting me DV

this weekend,

before they go to Romania.

My house is a mess.

I will have time to clean.

If others were not praying for me,

I could not make it.

God help us all,

Amen.

Short Update - 4th week of Great Lent

Lent - we are nearing the end already. May the Lord give us mercy to keep at the spiritual disciplines.

I gained clarification about "rights" at work. Work, unlike the Kingdom of God, is contractual. It is okay to ask work to honour what it has contracted. Merciful but not being walked on when regarding contractual agreements.

How much I need God's wisdom and mercy.

My apartment is really coming together. Another month and I hope a lot of it will be done.

I feel "at home" when I am here now. However, I must remember that I am never to feel that this earth is our final home. A challenge to our home-loving North American culture. It has been said that the upkeep, decoration and furnishing of one's home has become the new religion. This is something I must remember, as much as I love IKEA, paint colours and coziness.

Church is home though and this past Sunday it felt so home-like; the rain outside, the brightness and icons inside, my church family, the silence. How I wish everyone could find such nourishing homes with such love.

I treasure such times. May the Lord pour out His mercy to us as we strive to come to the end of this Lent. Lord have mercy, we have such a long way to go!

Mercy

I was working a bit late today - as usual it seems now days - when my cell phone rang. Dear friends of mine invited me to dinner and picked me up from home. I was so exhausted it was wonderful to be fed good food and be dropped off later at a local grocery store so I could buy the last ingredients for soup.

I made the soup. I have called my Mother to say hi. I have read my blogs and did no homework. I am grateful; need to work on coursework tomorrow. Work continues to be a challenge.

Found out that one my fellow librarian friend's job contract is ending in two months. Sometimes I still feel afraid that I will also lose my job.

I am trying to not be afraid and to trust in God's abundant mercy.

Thanking God for Fr. Stephen's reminder that week two of Lent is a bit less arduous.

I am tired. This time change is good (more light) but hard (going to bed on time).

May God have mercy on us.

Tiny Steps

1. prayed this morning
2. went to work
3. tried not to panic. failed.
4. lunch. icons. trying again.
5. worked late until 6 pm. long day. had to order books for the clients I serve. am glad at least that this is getting done.
6. dinner. called friend. friend sick. prayer lists additions.
7. submitted second assignment. relief. at least it is done.
8. realizing that i have to accept imperfection.

Thanking God. Praying that I do not get sick. Taking Zinc +Vit C lozenges for throat. Bought Total1 Vitamins.

More prayer and thanksgiving needed.