Day 1 (without my Cleo Cat)

Whew, last night was rough.

The searing pain of loss caused me some physical pain for a while

and it took a bit to fall asleep...I did... by 2 AM... or before...

I knew today would be hard.

One huge blessing was seeing the 

Thou will be kept in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee 

verse from Isaiah 26:3 ... that is my birth verse, the verse that was given to by my Mom

when I had my rather emergency c-section 42+ years ago! 

And there it was on today's date on the flip calendar I have had for nearly 30 years. 

And Cleo died on the old calendar leave-taking of the Feast of Christ's transfiguration

and today (new calendar) is St Phanourios' day and we were married on his day,

old calendar, 13 days later...so that was really special...

So many Cleo things seen today, in the fridge, in the pantry, in the bathroom...

did you see the white frame with rose print above on the chair?

Mr Husband is letting me hang that (got it for 6$ at the VNA rummage sale) on the wall

where Cleo's liter box was (under)... and another 2 cute VNA prints framed already

that are going to be in our other bathroom...

I know the added beauty will help me... one of my friends 

told me how Cleo loved beauty too... I think that is true... and she was such a beauty herself... 

So, I felt like I did a lot of self-care... took a hot bath.  Ate my Indian leftovers for lunch.

Tried to stay well hydrated. 

Sometimes the pain was overwhelming, the loss; I cried on and off through out the day...

I watched I think 2 more Perry Mason episodes.  I read a little more in the L' Engle book.

I was really tired from the difficult night's sleep...

I prayed a lot, simple prayers like

Lord help me or Lord help me through this or

and I was SO pleased to hear tonight that Cleo's grave was not disturbed at all and the flowers

are still there as "artfully arranged" to use our friend's words... 

I had prayed for her grave to be guarded and I have prayed that God

will comfort Cleo...I was comforted just thinking a little bit about

Cleo being in a garden in paradise well happy and knowing that I would be there

one day with her (Lord so save me!) ... I could not think otherwise

and the book I got about animals in heaven while not claiming to know what NO one knows

(what heaven is like), but instead looking at how God called ALL of His creation good

and how He cared for all the animals, having each of them in Noah's Ark, etc etc... 

I had a hard time in NYC at first.

I felt like the grief was going to swallow me alive.

And for a short time I felt the anger of it, a stage of grief I have had years ago.

This depth of grief and my awareness of it I have not had in a long time.

But each loss is different and I know enough to know that one must not 

worry about how one is grieving as there is no right way to do it. 

My Mom talked to me today about how the loss of Cleo is so fresh, it is

understandable that I would feel sorrow and still be sad.

It was so so awful and strange to not have Cleo here.

To realize how much her presence meant to me; 

as if I did not know; but one never knows how the loss will feel

or realize the depth of comfort that one had received

 from the loved pet or loved human one lost.

I am still sorting this part out but I understand now how God gave me

Cleo to comfort me in very specific ways and the loss of this is very painful. 

But I am slowly sorting it out in my mind and hope, as one does when one loves to write,

to write an essay on it in the future... 

I found that if I remembered my birth verse - 

You will keep him in perfect peace,

Whose mind is stayed on You,

Because he trusts in You.

And prayed the Jesus Prayer:

Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me or

Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me a sinner

then the grief was shared, did not have the intensity of pain...

and the worry of a life without Cleo, 

the bleakness of the loss, that for the rest of my days there will be a without Cleo

I was relieved that I did not break down sobbing in NYC... 

I was falling asleep on the PATH train in,

which is why I immediately took myself to one of my favourite diners for food...

I had a consult about framing the needlework and got yarn at Michael's and 

stone beads to make into a prayer rope for my purse... 

and new knitting needles...

Mr Husband and I had Chinese for dinner...I had egg plant, he had shrimp with wide noodles,

I had some of the wide noodles, that was nice.

Tomorrow DV we are going to liturgy for Dormition, then out for fish

and going grocery shopping and then back home and resting.

I got some treats from Trader Joes for the weekend.

I kept trying to do things that would help me look beyond the pain I feel now

and to reaffirm that there is life after this loss

but I know also that I have to go through the pain to go to whatever is next

in our life... my sister-friend and I texted and I agree with what she said,

losing Cleo was like an end of an era in my life.

I was in my last semester of school and then on to getting full time jobs and

becoming an adult in this way, and then later dating 

and marrying Mr Husband and moving with Cleo

to New Jersey... Cleo moved down before I did so she officially lived in NJ about 7 years

and here she is buried... 

I told God years ago if I was to go through the pain of loss, I better grow because of it,

or NO DEAL. ( :) )... I think God in His mercy will take me up on it, as long as I am 

willing to grow through it...

L'Engle's book the other side of the sun is (as is all of her "adult" fiction) emotionally 

intense...but the lesson of that you have to go through the burning sun to

get to the other side has stayed with me...

the only way to deal properly with this loss, this pain, this loss of sweet Cleo

and her sweet cat face, so soft, so beautiful, is to go through it,

to feel it, to accept it, to look the loss in the face and deal with it.

The only way to the other side of loss is to go through the loss. 

But I can say that God will give us all we need when we need it,

just like my Grandma told me years ago... 

***

I pray that whatever that pain is in your life, that 

you will turn to Christ and be carried through it...

even when it seems impossible... 

I wrote this last week Thursday, August 22nd: "How I can face loss of everything and even my own life"

As hard as Cleo's death is going to be for me, and I will cry (more, I already have) and looking down the road, I will, unless I die unexpectedly, lose more; my family is aging; my Grandma is nearly 90, her sister older than this.  Somehow I have learned something that I did not know when I was just 21 and my first spiritual mother, Aunt Elaine, died.  I remember finding my journal a few years ago and I found that I had written in it that I did not know how I could face her death; it was just 2 weeks before she died that I finally admitted that I could lose her to the cancer that was consuming her.  I was deeply devastated by her death.  I was unable to go to the funeral but the loss of her as a Mother figure was the greatest loss I had and I was unprepared.  I had no idea how to grieve or what to do with my emotions.  I barely passed that semester of school; it took some months before I was more stable again.  It was a large loss and one that made me promise to myself that I would never allow myself to be in denial like that again but instead would try to be ready, to admit what could happen, would happen.  

In general, I have done this; I knew my Aunt Karen was very possibly going to die and she did, about a year or so later.  I knew that Cleo, based on earlier changes, was going to go; it's still shocking how it is happening after her being stable for 3 years after her liver disease diagnosis.  

But there is something I am learning that that is this:

Because of my faith in God and specifically in His loving-kindness and mercy, I know I can face any and all losses, including, one day, the loss of my own life.  No one, as they say, leaves here alive.  

As hard as the losses will be, and I will have to (unless I die suddenly and unexpectedly) prepare myself to lose not only everything I own and everyone I have known, but that I will have to die myself and trust myself to God's mercy. 

I used to think that facing such deep and searing loss would (ironically perhaps) kill me, would be too much to bear.  Now, even though the waves of grief are real and will come, underneath this, I realize: with God, I can face every loss.  With God I can give everything to Him, entrust everything I own, everyone I love and my own soul to Him.  With God it is better to lose my life and gain Christ, the only One who I can never lose and who will never lose me.

My Aunt Karen: Memory Eternal!

My Aunt Karen died this morning, peacefully.

We are bereft of her presence with us

but not bereft of hope.

Hard Hit

I have been emailing 

with my Ottawa Matuska about grief

and she reminded me that

new grief can also open wounds of old grief.

*

The recent loss of Mr. Husband's godson

was so sudden and shocking to us

that it is only now that I can see that

for me I am really hard hit

and it's layers of grief,

even though I've worked through a lot of this

before, new layers emerge.

*

This is not the first time I have been close to a family

with sudden loss.

*

When I was 18, so young myself,

two Mothers, neighbours of ours, both died suddenly,

within months of each other. 

One death was on the road, tragic early and shocking.

The other death was on the person's property,

involved a snowmobile and worse.

I can't really write here in depth about either

as they are just not my stories to tell,

but I can tell you that both were incredibly tragic 

and lead both families to worse ends,

even further death years later.

*

At 18 years old,

I saw the young boy crying behind the casket of his Mother,

I went to a Mother-daughter banquet with the young daughter,

I was with a teenage daughter of the other family

while she picked out pictures for the funeral display;

I was at the funeral hearing the Grandmother, Mother of

the Mother, cry out in agony at the funeral; 

I was the only one in my family there and saw

how the Mother's Mother had to be physically carried out

at the end of the funeral.

*

I was 18.

*

20 years later I am 38.

*

And my church munchkin's father is gone.

*

It will take a while for this to all settle.

*

Thankfully I have support of all kinds that I am using

and will get through this.

*

It will just take time, patience, prayer and

what seems to be called 'grief work'...

Bright Monday ~ A Funeral in Christ's Brightness

Mr. Husband's Godson's funeral today 

on Bright Monday

was a very beautiful Paschal service.

I think we all felt a measure of healing

and of how wonderful it is to sing 

Christ is Risen!

so many times during the funeral.

It was like having a Pascha service (without the liturgy)

all over again and it was beautiful.

*

I am sure that the loss will take more time

to sink in as it were

and I can't tell you how much

each comment, email and text from my

family and friends - including many who

are in my 'blog friend family'.

*

Thank you from my heart.

*

Please continue to keep us all in your prayers,

they are needed.

Sorrow ~ Sympathy ~ Remembering

 

Icon to the Mother of God, Joy of those that Sorrow

Sometimes
it seems that other than prayer
all I can do is mark here the
sorrow of things.
*
I was at her wedding years ago,
wore my vibrant fuchsia silk shawl
that I had gotten at the Great Glebe Garage Sale.
I brought a tin of cookies,
a book on marriage,
a wedding icon of St. Joachim and Anna.
*
She was so happy.
*
Later miles and miles from her
I felt that she was under attack...
I could feel it day in and day out...
We were and are like sisters,
it is no surprise I felt it.
*
Things fell apart, suddenly, but not suddenly
but horribly
and now it is ending
and we just keep praying
as she has to build a new life
desolate for now
alone, again.
*
Oh Holy Saviour Jesus Christ have mercy,
how we can suffer.
*
I sent her the book on Mother Alexandra
who also suffered divorce and knows
the pain.
*
What else can be done?
We go to monasteries,
we light candles,
we put her name for prayer,
just as she always has at
her churches for me, for my husband.
*
May God remember all those
who are brokenhearted,
suffering,
lonely,
grieving.
*
May mercy be poured out.

Memory Eternal ~ Christ is in our midst ~ Books, blessing and prayers for the departed

Years ago my spiritual father
and I were talking in our church hall,
near to our church library
and I asked what book I should read;
I remember my spiritual father getting me a book
Christ is in our midst;
I blogged about it, with the cover of the book,
years ago.
*
He gave it to me to read with a sense of
love and that he was giving me a book
that was specifically for me
and that would be a great discovery.
And so it was ~ this book is the first place
I read and was captured by the Orthodox
understanding of humility.
It is real treasure of a book.
*
I still love this book and I gave a copy
of it to Mr. Husband when he was still my
newly loved Orthoman.
*
The copy I read was donated by Novice K. of our parish.
*
Novice K. was,
by the time I came,
an older man, large boned, needing a walker to walk.
He had a very deep voice, white hair
and pale blue eyes.
He was sick a lot in later years,
even being in a coma for a long while,
from which he recovered.
*
This afternoon I got an email from a good friend
from my Ottawa Parish that
Novice K,
who my friend visited faithfully at the nursing home,
had passed away.
*
I remember talking in person with my friend
last time I was there that Novice K. was declining.
*
Grief and loss ~ always different and always the same.
The shock, the sudden tears,
the awareness of Mr. Husband's love
as I emailed him the news.
We had just been talking about Novice K. the other day;
it was his book on St. Luke that my friend who visited
Novice K. had borrowed and then later lent to me to read
some years ago.
*
As I have been re-reading the book,
in it's second edition,
I have been telling Mr. Husband about it and Novice K.
And about the first time I read it,
when I newly in a job that I lost,
the first one I lost that I loved and so many people
in my blog community rallied around me...
so it was quite a shock to learn of Novice K. passing
after just talking about him to Mr. Husband.


I immediately took one of my
special monastery candles,
a thicker one,
that I knew would burn for some time
for Novice K.

I emailed people, prayed and
thought of the newly departed Novice K.

 

I had not personally seen Novice K. in quite a while,
though I remember the years past when he
was able to come.
How slow he would walk,
how he had to depend on others for everything,
how he always sat at the same table at coffee hour
and I would say hi to him there.
The book that he donated changed the way
I saw life and gave me my first glimpses of what
having a spiritual life means.
The book on St. Luke that I read that was his
was a great blessing to me in a time of great trial.
And so Novice K. really had a deep impact on my life
though he never knew it.
*
It is the first funeral that I will not be able to go to
in my Ottawa-home parish.
That is hard.
But I remember how when my Oma died and
how Mr. Husband and I prayed for her.
Knowing that I have Mr. Husband to pray
 with for Novice K. is a great comfort.
*
In the end the title of the first book I read that
Novice K. donated is the greatest comfort of all:
Christ is in our midst. 
*
Memory Eternal!
Memory Eternal!
Memory Eternal!

Friday evening - peaceful but with some sad news

The tulips are slowly going...
I find the colours to be so beautiful,
so vibrant. 

I am finding the lampada light to be
very comforting.

Got out the small loaf of
orange cranberry bread
I had my slices toasted with eggs salad;
Mr. Husband had his un-toasted with butter.
 

My dear friend's Grandmother passed away.
Memory Eternal...

One line email

 

Woke with insomnia
and found a one line email
waiting for me:
woman from my Ottawa church's father died.
*
Memory Eternal.
*
Life can be so very hard.
*
I am reminded of a quotation
that I read and quoted in a paper I wrote
many years ago
about life and how in the midst of great mess and pain
why yet
is there such great beauty?

Thinking of my dear friend who lost her father

 

During all of the dinner parties,
food preparations,
enjoyment of new things
and making a beautiful table
I have been thinking of my
dear friend and sister in Christ.
*
While I never met her father
I know so much about him
and have been
with her,
her husband
and our church in Ottawa
praying for him over the years.
*
Now I am separated from both my Ottawa church
and her by many miles
and yet at times I find myself
in tears for her
and the deep grief
she is in.
*
I wore black to church last week
for her father
and they were all remembered in the liturgy at
my new church as I know
they are being remembered also at
my home church
in Ottawa.
*
I miss them all
and it is so hard to be so far from my dear sister
during this time.
*
Lord have mercy.