I wrote this last week Thursday, August 22nd: "How I can face loss of everything and even my own life"

As hard as Cleo's death is going to be for me, and I will cry (more, I already have) and looking down the road, I will, unless I die unexpectedly, lose more; my family is aging; my Grandma is nearly 90, her sister older than this.  Somehow I have learned something that I did not know when I was just 21 and my first spiritual mother, Aunt Elaine, died.  I remember finding my journal a few years ago and I found that I had written in it that I did not know how I could face her death; it was just 2 weeks before she died that I finally admitted that I could lose her to the cancer that was consuming her.  I was deeply devastated by her death.  I was unable to go to the funeral but the loss of her as a Mother figure was the greatest loss I had and I was unprepared.  I had no idea how to grieve or what to do with my emotions.  I barely passed that semester of school; it took some months before I was more stable again.  It was a large loss and one that made me promise to myself that I would never allow myself to be in denial like that again but instead would try to be ready, to admit what could happen, would happen.  

In general, I have done this; I knew my Aunt Karen was very possibly going to die and she did, about a year or so later.  I knew that Cleo, based on earlier changes, was going to go; it's still shocking how it is happening after her being stable for 3 years after her liver disease diagnosis.  

But there is something I am learning that that is this:

Because of my faith in God and specifically in His loving-kindness and mercy, I know I can face any and all losses, including, one day, the loss of my own life.  No one, as they say, leaves here alive.  

As hard as the losses will be, and I will have to (unless I die suddenly and unexpectedly) prepare myself to lose not only everything I own and everyone I have known, but that I will have to die myself and trust myself to God's mercy. 

I used to think that facing such deep and searing loss would (ironically perhaps) kill me, would be too much to bear.  Now, even though the waves of grief are real and will come, underneath this, I realize: with God, I can face every loss.  With God I can give everything to Him, entrust everything I own, everyone I love and my own soul to Him.  With God it is better to lose my life and gain Christ, the only One who I can never lose and who will never lose me.

Reflections Part II: My Grandma's words ~ Strength will be given just when you need it

So I called my Grandmother yesterday evening,

while monitoring my beloved husband's plane trip online.

He's getting in late, probably between 1:30 - 2 AM.

I am so waiting up for him!

As I wrote in my last post, 

I think sometimes on the fact that my husband may die before me.

So last night I called my Grandma (I try to call at least once a week!)

and we talked and before we said goodbye,

I thought I should just ask that question I was thinking of, so I did.

I began, and almost immediately began tearing up,

Grandma? 

Yes, she said.

You know how Aunt H. married Uncle J. and he was older 

and now she is alone?

Well, I married [Mr. Husband] and I may have the same thing happen.

Yes, she said, You might.

But Grandpa and I were the same age, I thought due to his health problems

that he may go first but only by a few years but here it was

9 years already since he is gone.  I thought I would follow him in a few years...

And we talked about how you never know when something may happen

and that while it is possible that Mr. Husband will go first, 

we just never know...

And I edged closer to my question, 

yes, but Grandma how did, how do you do it? How do you cope

being alone, without Grandpa?

And she immediately answered,

God gives you the strength when you need it.

I really felt God's peace ~ 

that all was Okay and like it was supposed to be.

Grandma was ready and God took him {a mercy}...

She went on, God gave me peace and things to do 

to keep busy, though I do miss him, it's the way it is 

supposed to be, God had it planned.

I feel like we had the time together that God had for us...

we are not given the strength ahead of time,

but when we need it, then it will be there.

She said sometimes she is lonesome sometimes, 

but I never feel all alone, I feel like God is with me,

God's Presence.

It's why I like to listen to nice music {hymns, Gaithers}...

all of a sudden I will stop what I am doing, put the book down

and just listen, 

and feel that [through the music] God is speaking to me....

She went on to tell me,

Years ago I read a story by Corrie Ten Boom,

that when she [Corrie] was a little girl, 

she would worry and how her Father taught her

by use of example of going on the train, 

and her father told her that just like he does not give 

Corrie the train ticket until the train is there,

so God will be there for you when the time

comes for [that time of particular need]... 

and my Grandma went on to tell me,

just like Corrie's father would not give her the ticket 

for the train before she needed it,

so not a day early will you be given the strength ...

and she quoted the Psalm..

...as [long as your] days so your strength shall be...

And my Grandma went on...

Elizabeth, I don't know the future, when I will die,

if I will need to go in a nursing home or what will be...

but I am not worried because where ever I am,

God will be there with me.

*

I feel God's Presence,

So precious to know that we are never alone, 

and sometimes I have to remind myself, 

if I feel sorry for myself, 

that I am never alone.

Jesus has promised, never will I leave or forsake you.

*

And that is what my Grandma told me

and I am so very glad I asked.