Continued Progress

 

Mr. Husband and I
were surprised but happy to find
the prayer stand we ordered
had arrived at church
last week
when we could not make it due to
post-hurricane car problems.
*
It is beautiful and will go in what will be our
living/dining room shared corner.
*
It is beautiful and very sturdy.
It felt like another piece of
our new life together
is falling into place.
*
This transition from married and moving
is one that lasts more than a few days
but day by day
and with the prayers of many
it gets a little easier,
a little lighter.

Nativity Fast Day 5

Keeping up with numbers of the Nativity Fast

is proving hard;

so much going on right now.

*

No news on my Oma yet ...

don't know if she had surgery today;

with how health care in Ontario goes I am guessing

that if the surgery was not today

it may not be till Monday.

We are all inwardly standing still

waiting to see what will happen.

*

The two book in the picture above are

my Nativity reading for this year's

Nativity Fast/Lent.

*

I am almost totally packed for Michigan.

A friend from church is bringing me to the airport.

My Mom already had my future DV birthday presents

(I turn 35 DV Dec 29) and had wrapped them

so she brought them to Brampton so

that there will not be problems flying home

back to Ottawa

with them,

since now airports have the 'right' to unwrap gifts.

*

I am very blessed with all the love and support

from everyone.

Thank you.

*

Let's keep Noah and Mat. Anna in our prayers.

Lord help and comfort us all.

Day 2 of the Nativity Fast

Soon early in the fast

I will be home.

I am really tired.

Cleaned this morning so that my house

will be clean when I return.

Soon home

with my family

beautiful dishes from three generations

some rest

but also more work

as the proposal I am working on is due

next week Friday

and I have miles and miles and miles

to go before I sleep...

God's goodness on a Tuesday in mid-October

The sun is setting earlier now;

summer is gone.

Thanksgiving was so warm and sunshine-filled

that I think I am a bit in shock at how

sudden the change in weather has been.

*

I still have to have one more work

conversation.

Overall though everything seems fine.

*

I am still waiting for the clothes that

I ordered.

I tried on the pants I tore and had

re-sown and re-hemmed and realized

that I could still wear them to work....

So that was nice.

*

I have been at my new job two months

this week and so far so good.

After looking for a job for so long, this is

a real blessing.

*

I read a little more of my book on

Elder Moses today.

Loved these lines about when the heart has

gained humility...

"...It resolutely cleaves unto the Saviour with sweetness

of heart and surrenders itself entirely

to Him with undoubting trust and with love."

Abbot Moses is a very special Saint to me for many reasons:

he was the builder of the original Optina Monastery,

He was gentle and unassuming,

keeping his spiritual intensity and labours hidden,

and he was a very strong and loving older brother to

Elder Anthony.

*

I treasure the moments in my day when I can pick up

one of my books and read;

even a few sentences or a page or so of a book on Optina

is enough to encourage the reader.

*

This life is hard and we need the Lord and His Saints

to give us fresh courage.

Wednesday, slight snow and completed applications

I made this chick pea potato curry this afternoon;

It is okay but was a bit too bland for me;

any suggestions on adding some 'bite' to it?

I am thinking fresh tomato/tomato paste,

more cumin, less garam marsala;

maybe some cayenne pepper?

I did add a bit of spinach for some added nutrients and colour...

Thoughts and suggestions more than welcome!

I finished two job applications today.

Now I am wanting a piece of this cake!

Still need the recipe...

boy was it good!

(picture of one of my Mom's sugar and creamers).

I am so blessed to have a family;

even though they are far from here, I can talk to my Mom

on the phone and that is a real blessing.

*

Tonight I will start preparing for my Tuesday interview.

*

I am really hoping that my waiting will soon be over

and that I will have a job.

*

Heard of more in Michigan and the surrounding areas

losing their jobs;

we have to take each day as they come

and keep trusting in God's mercy and care.

Remembering

About a year ago I had problems in

looking for an apartment;

some of my readers will remember

how 2 weeks before I was to move the apartment I was moving into

was suddenly refused to me

and I did not know where I would move to in 2 weeks time.

*

I remember telling my priest something to the effect of

'don't you see what is happening to me? my life is OVER'

well, I didn't say that exactly

but my anxiety was high and I felt like something was terribly wrong,

that I was now in this situation.

I remember the smile and peaceful response to my

panic.

*

It was like I was being told,

yes, I see exactly what is happening to you.

Well it took me a while later to see this,

but here is what happened - I was being kept from harm:

1. I was released suddenly from what would of been a bad

landlord experience for me.

2. I was given the apartment I am in now, which

is the one I wanted in the first place.

3. I heard later on in the year that the place I was going to live in

had a fire in it - I could of lost everything.

*

I had asked for God's help and Archangel Michael's help

and I was protected and taken care of,

even when all I could see was not having a place to live in two weeks time.

*

Still today I seem to fail at remembering this,

anxious about job situations, job finding, French language, Ottawa job situation

and on and on the list goes.

Oh what little faith!

Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!

First Thursday in November - Hope because there is a River

I love this picture because it speaks to me of hope

of new life,

of how God does not snuff out the smoldering wick

or destroy the bruised reed.

I love God because His ways are so much greater than mine

and He is strong

and is within the city of God -

4 There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God,
The holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High.
5 God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved;
God shall help her, just at the break of dawn.
Psalm 46: 4-5 NKJV

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Psalm 46:1-5 NIV

I love the NKJV for

God shall help her, just at the break of dawn

for it reminds me of Elizabeth Goudge's book The Middle Window

which I read an old library copy of years ago

(wish I owned it!)

and the knight separated from his king who he loved

on a dark weary mountain

in a battle that he heard the king was losing

still kept going

even in the darkness

for his faith and love in his king.

"God will help her at the break of dawn"

*

I love this verse also in the NIV

"Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea."

I vividly remember in a Geology class at Calvin years ago

my professor showed us an old film, on a film reel,

of earthquakes and mountains falling into the heart of the sea

and quoted these verses from Psalm 46.

I will never for get this professor's love and faith in God

and his understanding of Psalm 46.

God is strong

stronger than my favourite tree,

whose strong large trunk and roots you see.

*

I am recognizing in the midst of the stress I am currently in

dwindling savings

no job yet

no family who can lend me money

(but St. Nicholas has provided for me through his prayers to Christ before

and I asked God and St. Nicholas for a job for Christmas)

and the efforts I am making

and other non-bloggable stress in my life

that I am a bit burnt out right now.

When I say 'a bit' this can be translated as 'I truly am'

once a relative of mine emailed me that he was 'a bit sick'

and he was medically evacuated from where he was living.

So yes, I am a bit burnt out right now.

I can see the effects of stress in my life in various ways

and know that I must keep trying but

also try to keep myself afloat;

eat as well as I can

rest when I need it

and keep trying to do the things I need to do for getting a job.

*

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God

the holy place where the Most High dwells.

God is within her, she will not fall;

God will help her, just at the break of dawn.

*

We are all in various inner battles that are difficult;

I know I am not alone in struggles,

no, we are all broken, weak and tired,

but we must hold out,

for there is a river whose streams make glad the city of God.

Tuesday, 2nd Week of August

How quickly the summer is going!

I have so much to do before I leave -

packing, key making, small bits of shopping,

job searching,

French is not happening much right now... :(

I am finding it really hard to apply for any jobs outside

of my city.

So far I am finishing up only one application...

*

There are various jobs I am applying for here.

*

I am seeking to be open to God's will

and hope it will be made clear.

I have been comforted by words of a wise person,

telling me that patient endurance

will

in the end

find me at the next step

in my journey.

God is our support,

our refuge

and

our salvation.

In Him shall we trust...

Almost Friday!

Cleo and I are getting ready for me to be

in more of a routine.

Job searching is a challenge!

I won't go into the various challenges related to it here

but I would not say that it is fully easy for me

right now;

actually, it is kind of hard.

*

I am applying for another bilingual library position

meanwhile...

This is a flower picture from the Greek Monastery

that I went to

about a month ago.

I really want to go back!

It is so peaceful there,

I can remember realizing that I should not be so worried,

that God is and will take care of me,

that He loves me,

loves everyone of us...

May we all go deeper in remembering God's mercy

and goodness is always here...

*

Really liked this post of Fr. Stephen's today - I recommend

reading it!

*

I did listen to Fredrica Matthewes-Green's podcast

on distractions -

wow! What a great podcast! I am slowly listening to it

for the second time...

Beauty in the Everyday

Today I visited an old friend and her ever growing family.

I got to hold a 1 year old, 2 1/2 year old,

a 4 almost 5 year old;

the 9 year old and almost 5 year old

did my hair.

4 pony tails I had at beautiful plume-ing angles.

***

I love being able to hold and love children.

***

Today was a beautiful day.

Between Christmas Feasts

Here I am again.

Really miss being able to post photos.

Ah well.

***

Still praying for Resa - she is struggling.

***

Found out that the presents I sent with good friends

to Romania

to my sister and brother-in-law

got lost.

Am praying that the suitcase is found,

as I am not the only one who gave gifts to send back to Romania

with my dear Romania-Ottawa friends.

***

I miss my sister.

So strange not to have her around for Christmas.

***

Being home is always such a mixed blessing.

So Wonderful to see family.

I am blessed with a very good family.

But I think I always have this feeling of loss

at the same time.

I think a loss in what I thought my life would be;

married, with children to delight my Mother;

all my friends here in Michigan are married

with children.

But I have much to be thankful for.

***

Was at my Michigan Orthodox church today;

hope to be back on my birthday (this Tuesday)

for Matins in the morning

and to Liturgy next Sunday.

***

Scheduled to go to the monastery for a few days later this week.

***

Flying home in a week already.

***

My heart is full;

I wish someone could explain my heart to me.

My New Home

I hope to get other pictures without window

screen lines.

But, what a nice snowy view!

I am still adjusting to my new place,

my stove and oven needs fixing,

boxes still packed and in the closet,

laundry hidden in bins.

You know, life after a move.

But the view out my living room window

it always brings me back to a place

of thankfulness and wonder.

Cleo was being most shy today.

She is near me as I type this;

I am loving the corner where my gold

chair now resides.

More pictures later,

when further organization is accomplished.

I found my small tea time book!

It was packed away all last year

in a box of decorations that

I had not used

in my last place.

I am so glad I still have it,

as it has high tea recipes

I have hopes of using

for a tea party in

January.

+++

Thank you for everyone who commented on my

"Small Steps" post,

I was quite heartened,

thank you.

+++

My Dad is traveling tonight within Ontario,

as I write this;

the snow storms have lessened now

but if you could say a prayer for his safety

and for the safety of my Mom, Dad and Aunt

as they travel back from Brampton Ontario

to Michigan tomorrow

(They were visiting my Oma,

and no, I was not able to join them;

but I called lots!)

I would appreciate the prayer.

+++

Today was a great day over all for me;

I got to stay home and watch it snow.

Just what I needed today

and I got a good deal of work done,

of course there is much more

to do.

It is good for me to begin my life in this new apartment

in peace and I am grateful for this day.

+++

Praying for Resa, as prayer will do,

is such a blessing;

we are so fortunate to be able to pray for each other,

as the prayers always encourage us

as well.

Still Looking / My Eyes Have Seen Salvation...

I am listening to Beethoven right now.

I forgot how much I love his work;

the quietness of parts

and louder sections are so expressive.

I need, at times, the more explosive music of Beethoven;

it helps me process things.

Bach's music too can help me inwardly progress through things.

A time for sound and a time for silence...

I am seeking to keep the basics:

morning prayers, a Saint's reading, the Scripture readings

from my Church Calendar.

I have looked at various apartments now.

Some good, some not so good, some down right bad.

I look at two more today,

possibly one tomorrow,

one on Saturday.

God will bring me to a good place,

just as he cares for the small birds,

the squirrels in the city...

Christ has come,

I have been baptised as an infant,

chrismated as an adult.

Confession, my spiritual father quickly reminded me,

is a renewal of baptism.

I have been baptised

and thus scorn the devil and all his works.

Christ has put his covering protection over me

a sinner

and in the end Christ is my Joy, my Delight, my Home

my Ever-Present Help in sadness, darkness and

He will have mercy.

How icons come to my home

Emily asked me about how I choose my icons. I started writing back a comment to the question, and realized I wrote a blog post instead. so here it is!

The Saints I am referring to are from the Icons I recently got from the Greek Monastery I went to this past Saturday.

Well, I had been thinking more of St. Panteleimon after hearing about Sylvia's story about how St. Panteleimon has interceded for her family. Also we have an icon of him in the back of our church that I have been aware of for a while. I often like to get icons of the Saints that are in my Church - bringing the comfort home as it were.

The icon of the Theotokos I recognized from a small icon I always noticed in my Church hall on the wall. I was overjoyed to see a larger reproduction of it in the Monastery chapel (I was in their store before I went into their chapel). When I saw this icon, I immediately picked it up.

I have a dear friend whose patron is St. John the Theologian and I have learned a lot about St. John through this friend. Also I think St. John of Rila is named after St. John the Theologian; the Akathist to St. John of Rila that I have speaks a lot about the love of God, which makes sense with St. John the Theologian as his name Saint! (FYI St. John of Kronstadt was named after St. John of Rila).

Also on the car ride up to the monastery, my friend and I were talking about the icons we own. He had one of St. John with St. Prochorus. So when I saw this icon of St. John the Theologian with St. Prochorus, it went in my to purchase pile immediately. Before doing so, I verified with my spiritual father that it was the icon I thought it was. I am no expert and depend on others as well. At monasteries of course you can also ask the nun who is there in the store!

Also at times I buy an icon of a Saint who I know to be an intercessor for a certain need. I got an icon recently for a friend I am concerned for and will pray especially to those Saints for assistance on behalf of this person. I find that the icons I need often come when I need them. For instance, I do not yet have an icon of St. Elizabeth the Mother of the Forerunner, my name's Saint. I believe I will have this icon when I am supposed to - not that it is wrong to order an icon at a particular time. This is no 'one way' to icons! But I do find that in general an icon comes to me when I need it. Often also I am drawn to certain ones instinctively. Or they draw me to themselves. Take your time with building an icon corner. It will come as it is needed.

Also icons are given to us. My first icon of the Holy Trinity was given to me just a few months before my chrismation. I had no idea what it was and asked one of my Orthodox friends in BC on the phone what it was. I told him it had three Angels on it and he quickly knew what icon it was! Now this is a fond memory and that particular copy is on the my apartment door.

I really love icons. They help me pray. I often find myself looking for one in my house, feeling a particular need for help. I love having icons everywhere for they speak of comfort and ready help for us. Also I am still learning to pray church prayers with proper attention. Saying brief prayers before icons helps focus me and is an encouragement to me.

It is important to give oneself room and time to grow in our Orthodox faith. For my first years I did not have many mounted icons - mainly just paper ones taped to my wall. It takes time to learn how to be Orthodox when we are converting. God will give us what we need as we are able and He is merciful. I read this past Christmas Jim Forest's book, Praying with Icons. I found his book to be a lovely introduction that was very personable as opposed to academic and complicated! But even this book, I did not read until I was in the church 5 years, which I mention to show merely the time and patience and gentleness with ourselves to grow and learn.

I thank God for His Saints and Holy Icons!

Nativity of the Birthgiver of God

I went to vigil and matins at the Cathedral.

Long, beautiful and joyful.

It was like a foretaste of Pascha,

which, it is...

Blessed Feast!

Sometimes We Get Wet

Tears come and wet our face.

Our eyes and cheeks can be red from crying.

God sees our tears.

Sometimes we feel really fragile.

Sometimes things do not work out the way we wish

or we just want to start over, again.

Sometimes we even wonder: why does life have to be so hard.

Each life is individual.

Many colours, many kinds.

We all get wet sometimes,

by tears, by the rain.

Sometimes mud splatters on us when we are walking on a sidewalk

"Zoom!" goes the car or a loud thunderous "Swish!" from a truck

and we are wet.

Maybe we were even wearing our favourite clothes.

Or we drench our sandled feet

by stepping in a deep unseen rain puddle.

The sun does come again.

The floods,

they do not last forever,

God promised.

But sometimes it can seem like a lot of wet.

A lot of rain.

Sometimes rain can be the best most joyous thing in the world.

But sometimes when it floods,

and is grey for days and days,

we begin to lose heart.

But again at church today,

my spiritual father spoke of a God who loves us.

A God who is so gentle when He asks

do you want to be healed?

A God who is with us,

who waits for us,

who loves us.

Note to Self

When the newly washed blender parts are dry,

put the ring, then the blade and then screw the back in.

I often get this wrong, and do not understand how the blade will not fall out.

Simple to fix, simple to do. It is all about remembering the proper order.

I so often forget the ordering of the world.

I still find the world as we know it to be in part, irrational,

but God is still in charge of the world.

This is the proper ordering of a world that is so disordered.

God. God's love. The call towards humility.

The help of the Saints.

The faith to believe that, in spite of tragedy, or even,

within tragedy,

is God and His love, the Saints and their support.

That somehow it is all going to be okay.

Note to my soul: remember this.

Various Things

So, it appears that the Canadian government wants to enforce bilingualism but not promote funded training to learn French. Right. I may be able however to keep my unemployment and pay for the French classes myself. This leads to more questions and no immediate answers.

I have been listening to French CBC radio tonight and some lovely jazz it was. Listened also to Enya on youtube. Happy music.

God is constantly reminding me of His care. I ran into one of priests I know last night walking home; my friend was home this morning after the disappointing French news and we went grocery shopping; I ran into a Church friend in the mall (I was using it a short cut home).

This week I am going to go to IKEA; I am getting a curtain rod so I can hang up the curtains I bought long ago. I have various errands and need to do some more job searching.

I admit I feel on a wild ride, careening between a sense of despair, a sense of God's love, a hint of reckless adventuring and a strong desire to drive a car really really fast (this means about 80-85 mph in my world).

This probably means I need to be still inwardly...

The Lord and His mercy must be the still centre within us.