Friday, oh Friday...

I woke early this morning, insomnia.

I feel like I am in the middle of a million things

and my heart is having a hard time containing it all.

As if my heart is at once both joyful and light

but yet on the floor weeping.

*

I've had the joy of finally baking again.

I accidentally bought too many apples

in the confusion of weeks and last week's fridge adventure.

I baked up an apple cake.

It's in the freezer safely wrapped up tight.

*

I have been using my new measuring cups

and just love them.

They are easier to clean, can mix cinnamon and sugar in the 

measuring cup, pour easily...

just have to be careful not to drop them or put them

near the edge of the counter when baking.

*

I baked the apple cake on Wednesday

and Mr. Husband asked if it was fasting, but no, 

it was not so I quick whipped up a so all

batch of apple crisp from Katherine's recipe
that is now taken down...thankfully I had Mr. Husband print it!

(I miss her blog, but just know she needed

to go 'underground' for need of silence)

I hope to blog about this recipe in the future

so all is not lost...

The apple crisp was lovely with coconut oil,

raw sugar and maple syrup.

*

Then after dinner, I cut up more apples and made

two loafs of Dutch Apple Cake.

Both in freezer as well.

*

The house has smelled so good with baking...

*

Yesterday I baked two loaves of

cranberry orange bread.

 In the middle of that,

while the bread was rising,

I went on another 1 hour driving lesson.

Half of it in normal city driving, speed limits

generally slow from 25 to 35 mph.

Then I did a good 20 plus minutes on the NJ turnpike.

I need to get used to highway driving and did so 

during rush hour.

It was intense, hard to keep my speed up, and I was

rather miserable side instead of enjoying it.

I just could not calm down/get over my nerves.

*

At least I got to go back home and finish baking

the bread....

*

And then my boots came!

And they fit!

est miracle!

*

I've been listening to these sermons and 

thinking of Ottawa.

I've been missing French and wishing I could take it again.

But seriously, I have too much going on to do it.

*

I am still working on building a life here

and once again it takes so much time and energy.

I am a person who is an introvert but who in Ottawa

had a good amount of friends,

some of who are no longer there either,

and I am really missing these.

*

I am thankful for my new life,

but just aware that I am still in the building stage of it

and it's hard and tiring at times.

*

I really appreciated this article on loneliness

and what to do about it.

*

I ordered a Christmas tree last night.

YES, that early.

A reviewer of it posted this 'real life' photo of it:

It was well under $$100.00 mark and I got three strands of lights for it.

My very Geeky Mr. Husband helped me with how many lights for it.

The conversation went like this:

How big is it?

He then asked me to look up circumference formula ...I googled it and found:

and right away Mr. Husband uses the formula, just standing there and says,

Ok, it's going to be :

120 inches to go around at bottom, at top, 24 inches (or less) around at top

and with cord length two strings will be:

6 times around with two of them, 1 every foot 

So I got three strands, as I want it more than every foot 

and we will go from there.

*

I got one strand of hanging twinkle white lights.

I am thinking of the two big windows

perpendicular to where the tree will be.

I bought a wreath for our door.

Simple.

*

I told Mr. Husband before that if I ever had to 

choose what a church would be named for,

it would be Holy Nativity.

*

It's the beginning of our salvation,

it is God Emmanuel,

God with us.

*

It is the hope of all the earth,

of all the heavens and the deep...

*

God is with us,

let everyone understand, 

that God is with us...

I can still hear my Ottawa spiritual father sing it in 

Great Compline for Christmas...
*
It will be my DV third Christmas here...
I still can't think of what the music for Christmas sounds
like in my new church, but I know
it will be beautiful and Christmas Eve
esp. special...
*
I am grateful:
God is with us.

Remembering and Praising God

Beloved friends in Ottawa
put my Panakhyda book
for prayer.
*
I have been thinking of the couple
who I wrote about earlier this week,
the grandparents of my Ottawa parish.
*
I looked through a few years of pictures
on my computer this morning
while Mr. Husband worked on stuff
in the office...
*
I am thinking a lot of Pascha
and how miraculous and glorious it is.
*
And of the older couple.
How a few years ago I and some others
went to their house
during the day
to get pussy-willows for Palm Sunday.
The pussy-willows grew in abundance near their home.
We tromped through water and mud,
with ladders and buckets.
Rode on back of their pickup truck.
It was a lovely beautiful sunny day.
I got the cutest tall red rain boots at
what was then a Zellers store
downtown before heading out.
*
This was before I knew of Mr. Husband's
existence but I had
talked already with the woman
who we see as a Grandmother to the Parish
about the wedding ceremony and
when I came over
she got her wedding book out first thing,
as she knew I would want to see it.
*
I saw on their couch looking at
the black and white photos...
*
There house,
a smallish brick house,
was so lovely.
Ukrainian;
sunshine filled;
I remember the curtains,
the beautiful and simple icons,
how unified the house was.
A formal dining room;
the living room;
the kitchen table
where she had made sandwiches for us to eat
and set it out nice for us.
Place mats.
Beautiful, simple, intimate.
We all talked and ate.
I had a tour of the house,
saw all the clocks
that the man of the house,
who I called the Grandfather of the parish,
the Patriarch,
was and had restored.
So many clocks, beautiful ones!
*
It's funny how one realizes some things
later on;
I remember telling my spiritual father that
I had been to their house;
he of course being the priest knows
their house well;
this couple loves our church and cared for it for
decades...and for our cemetery too.
Going there was like a solidification of
many things.
It's like one of those
before and after moments
where everything after is coloured
by the time in-between the
before and after.
Before that day and after that day.
*
I had by that point already told the
Matriarch-Grandmother that
when I was older I wanted to be just like her.
She taught me how to fold the
altar clothes.
I was always at the Panakhydas
during Lent.
I still remember going to my first one;
I was the first anglophone to come
to them,
as it was a Ukrainian parish originally
and the Panakhydas were still done in
full Slavonic
unlike our liturgies which English predominated.
My spiritual father asked if I would
feel alienated by all the Slavonic.
I assured him this would not be the case
and so Slavonic became in a lot of ways
my first language for grief.
*
All grief and sadness will one day
be swallowed up by
Christ's Pascha.
*
When I was looking over the photos and found
the one of last year's Pascha
when I and Mr. Husband got engaged




And when I look at this picture
of such a happy day,
what I think of when I look at it
is the older couple's house
in Ottawa
as if somehow they are linked.
And yet they are linked.
They through their many years of service
to the church are giving
the church to us.
To me.
The unity I saw in their house,
the memory of a beautiful simple sunlit
Ukrainian-Canadian home
is in me.

They met many years ago

by this little chapel
that I took pictures of last year
at cemetery day.
They have been married many years now.
Their only son has the same name
as my Mr. Husband's name.
They were there for liturgy, my wedding and reception.
After the priests,
they were the first to greet us as newly married.
The Patriarch of the Parish really
felt to me like one of the Patriarchs
as he congratulated me and told me
put your trust always in the Lord.
I really felt like I was being given the fatherly blessing
on my wedding day.

I married my beloved
Mr. Husband
and moved from
Ottawa,
the city that is the jewel of my heart.
*
Today is Mr. Husband and I's
6 month wedding anniversary.
*
We are slowly making a
Dutch-Orthodox home
with a lot of lovely Ukrainian
and also some Romanian, Russian, Greek
beautiful things...
*
I hope to make a home that has the same
unity that I saw and experienced
in the older couple's home.
And the same love of others...
*
It was clear that when their son was young
their home was a gathering place of children.
*
When I saw this couple on
Theophany Eve
last January in Ottawa
it was with great joy
but also with a realization of how
the Grandfather of our parish is continuing to suffer.
He looked like a small thin bird.
But yet so loving.
*
And so I was not there today
for the first Panakhyda of Lent.
*
Last night I admit to tears
I missed everyone so much.
But I am married now.
I am so glad to have Mr. Husband.
I am so excited to have our first Lent and Pascha
DV together as husband and wife.
I am excited to make our home a little haven,
a little Orthodox home...

I got my icon of the Protection of the Mother of God
at the Greek Monastery
about 2 years ago...
the picture above is of Lent last year.
Soon the Icon I have of
St. Ephraim the Syrian and of Christ
that I made a few years ago;
and also a smaller one of
the Ladder
will be out for Lent.

 

It is so close now:
Great Lent.
*
I am growing in anticipation;
even though Lent is often very hard
yet I get excited for it every year.
We know the end of the story:
Pascha.
Christ's Pascha...
*
But to get to the Resurrection,
we must go by the way of the Cross.
We must seek to watch and pray.
May the Lord help and bless us
and protect us.

Monday - sunshine, laughter, sadness, prayers and the Saints

Mr. Husband made
the liver and onions last night.
I helped at the last minute
but he did all the work.
*
It was sweeter than I thought it would be.
I am having a second helping today
for lunch and find them
even better the next day.

Mr. Husband esp. loves the burnt parts...
:)

I love how Mr. Husband and I
can joke around.
He's doing a lot of the work
right now since I am still unwell...
*
Mrs. Wife: are you going to have dessert?
Mr. Husband: No. Were you?
Mrs. Wife: I was thinking of having some ice cream.
Mr. Husband: well, why don't you eat some ice cream
and talk to me while I do dishes?
Mrs. Wife: well, I am supposed to obey my husband so 
I guess I will eat some ice cream! 
Mr. Husband: There's a first time for everything. 
:)

When Mr. Husband first
visited me in Ottawa
1.5 years ago or so now
he bought me groceries.
Specifically he bought me a
Liter of Olive Oil
which he carried many blocks home for me.

One thing I try to do every morning
is light our lampadas,
putting in fresh oil,
tending the wicks,
cleaning them a little
and lighting them... 

Mr. Husband,
back when he was not yet Mr. Husband
but was my Orthoman
 buying me that
olive oil
was a deeply meaningful gift for me
as I strive to always have my
main hanging lampada to St. George
lit at all times. 

 

I have loved St. John of Shanghai and Sans Francisco
for years now;
I have linked to talks about him in the past.
I've read this book on his life 
a few summers ago
and was at the Greek monastery
a few year ago I was there
on his day.
*
A few days before a local Ottawa clergyman
from another church
and I met unexpectedly on the street near where
I live.
I mentioned the job loss that I was facing at the time
and he said to ask Vladkya John for his help.
I did not realize then that it was just a few days
before Saint John's Day
and that I would be at the Greek monastery on his day.
*
I went into the chapel at the monastery
and there was a small icon of him
in the front on the iconostasis;
I was alone and able to pray for his help.
*
Meanwhile Mr. Husband loves St. John Maximovitch as well
and the icon you see in the picture above
is one he was given some years back.
*
We still look for his help.
*
This morning I learned that
one of the parishioners at my
Ottawa parish is continuing to be quite ill.
He is one of the oldest parish members,
worked in the church and church cemetery for years
and he and his wife both made it
to the liturgy, my wedding and the reception
even though they were ill.
The cloth that was used for the table
for the Dance of Isaiah
at the wedding was borrowed from them,
their only child had been swaddled in it
just after he had been baptized.
*
They taught me the love of the prayers for
the departed and of caring for the church in
practical daily ways.
She taught me how to fold alter clothes that
we used there.
I told her once that when I grow up
I want to be just like her.
He is ill,
more ill everyday.
It is a great suffering.
*
I am so happy to be married to Mr. Husband.
I would not change my life one bit.
But how I miss those I love in Ottawa
and feel my prayers
so small compared to what I wish I could
pray for them.
*
They are like the Grandparents of the parish
and we all pray with and for them
where ever we may be.
*
I am glad I can bring needs like this to our
very loving and tender Mother of God,
the Most Holy Theotokos.
To St. Nectarios and to St. John Maximovitch.
*
Sometimes we pray only with tears,
sometimes with Akathists
and sometimes with simple words.
*
God promises his mercy and to hear.
*
Akathists that may be of use for such sorrows
that I have found are
Akathist to the Mother of God Joy of those who Sorrow
Akathist to of Shanghai and Sans Francisco 
Akathist to St. Nectarios.

St. Basil's Day

 

(old picture I took at the Greek
monastery).
*
Today is St. Basil's Day!
*
I got this feast twice as I was at
Holy Dormition for this day
in early January
with Mr. Husband.
*
I am often there on St. Basil's day
and find it a very wonderful day indeed.
*
I am reading slowly
Madeleine L'Engle's book
ring of endless light
and it is about loss, letting go, death.
*
Thank God,
I have not had to grieve those lost by death
in the last months.
However,
I am in the process of letting go in someways
of my beloved Ottawa.
I return for 1 week this Thursday,
for Theophany,
as planned before Mr. Husband and I's wedding.
I told everyone I would be back for Theophany.
Most of my Orthodox life up to this time
has been in Ottawa
and all of my professional librarian life.
I did a lot of growing there
and had a real home there and a city
I loved and love very much.
*
So when I read about the main character
Vicky,
dealing with growing up and the soon
loss of her Grandfather to cancer
and all of her processing...
*
I found reading this to be helpful.
*
A monastic told me months ago that I am not
leaving my Ottawa church family
but extending my church family
to include more people...
that I am on a progression in this;
not a decrease but an increase.
*
And so it is.
*
I am still a bit congested though the main
part of my sinus cold is over.
I fly God-willing in two days
to Ottawa.
*
Yesterday now was St. Basil's Day
(things interrupted me from finishing the post)
and Mr. Husband and I got a
wonderful phone call yesterday!
A new nephew was born!
He's not Orthodox but I do find it
really wonderful that he was born
on St. Basil's Day to
wonderful Christian parents!

New Calendar St. Nicholas Day - with a kind window's tale

So.
I went to New York City
again today.
And...
it was a really good day.
Thankfully I did not have to go
 walking about the city much.
That did help.
*
The goal
other than to have a quick lunch with
the gallant Mr. Husband,
was to find something nice
pretty and modest
for my first Christmas party
with Mr. Husband for his work.
*
So I went into a store that was recommend to me
and found the 4th floor dresses.
The first and second floor I was greeted by sales staff
but by the 4th it seemed no one was there.
It took a bit of time
but I finally found what I deemed some good options.
But not before I felt a bit utterly forlorn,
tired, hot and a bit frustrated.
But then I remembered that it was
new calendar
St. Nicholas Day
so I asked for help.
Admitted that I needed a nice outfit for
Mr. Husband's Christmas party
and that though it was not a
dire request at any rate
whatsoever
I could really use the help.
I was missing friends and family who often
would help me look
or even a sales clerk!
But after I prayed I felt encouraged
and then found the better options
and tried the first one on.
*
I really liked it.
And then the story got sweeter.
I was trying to get to a proper mirror to see
if the clothes fit properly on me.
When an older women
with a kind face and a proper nice NYC
type haircut and makeup
came up to me and said
she never usually talks to others
but really liked the outfit I was trying on.
Said it fit me well and
that I would get lots of compliments.
She asked what it was for
and so I said it was for my
husband's Christmas party
and she said,
oh, I used to go to these when my husband was alive
and wear outfits like this,
those were such nice times.
And then she advised me on jewelry and
it was so nice and kind
and reminded me of what a blessing I have
in Mr. Husband.
So I felt like St. Nicholas not only helped me
find an outfit
a very small thing
but even more brought someone kind to help me
and reassure me without me even asking
that what I had found was good.
So in the middle of NYC
I was blessed with the kindness of a stranger!
*
Here's pictures of what I found,
for those who are interested in these sorts of things...

The black skirt is ankle length
and fits me wonderfully.

The red shirt is really nice and modest
and still pretty.

With shiny flower buttons :)

That match my necklace

and earrings
that I bought years ago in Ottawa
for special events...

So that was great.
I felt relieved, happy and blessed!
*
Then I had time to browse in stores.

Here's the 12 Days of Christmas
China dish set
in one of the stores.
Lovely hey?!

I love seeing pretty dishes!

And little English Christmas party treats...

Also found some of my favourite drink
in NYC... it's made in Taiwan and
has Aloe in it...

 

Mr. Husband and I took the bus home
and I am thankful for this day.
I am also thankful for the friends
that I texted while going to and in NYC.
*
Blessed St. Nicholas day to everyone
celebrating this wonderful day today!