(Day 37) without Cleo: a reflection

I remember when my +Aunt Karen died, 

I had a very special event I went to a few weeks afterwards.

My Mom and my cousin A went with me to Yonkers

(right before they closed :( ) and we found a really nice 

dress and jacket, a long strand of pearls that I wear often

strung three times around my neck 

(it then is just under my neckline).

And I started getting pretty hats, the first one being my black one.

(I now have a black, white and maroon one of the same style

and a newer smaller (in width) hat that is a maroon/burgundy but 

a different style). 

I wanted to be "perfect" in my outfit and did indeed have a lot of fun

with it and later got a aqua-green dress that goes with the pink jacket

that I wore when my goddaughter came to visit 

and it was such a special time... 

***

Yesterday I used my beloved +Aunt Karen's cream leather purse

when I went shopping.  I was given the purse last Christmas

but did not have room in my luggage then, so I have just had it 

with me in NJ for a week or so. 

It was really nice to use.

I wear her ring a lot as well.

***

There was a lady in Ottawa, of an older more refined generation,

she always looked impeccable and wore the best (and not ostentatious) hats.

I have always admired these ladies.

***

I am not an impeccable dresser and instead of hats (most days) I wear bananas

of various colours slung comfortably over my hair.

It's rare that I iron clothes and I wear nice cotton plain coloured

"tee-shirts" from ll bean that I try to get on sale

and wear with a skirt...and my pretty Birkenstock sandals... 

Most days I don't wear makeup and in general don't 

feel self-conscious about that.

***

I am becoming more aware of the link I have,

in my current life, with grief and beauty.

And with special events after grief.

I am going to a special wedding in about a month

(will tell you all about it after the fact!) and I will wear

my silver ball gown, DV, that I got at an upscale consignment shop,

my new hat and my new makeup. 

I have a small black purse as well to go with...

***

I think also I am trying to be in touch with some of the happy

times in my life; when I was working in Ottawa, dressing up and 

wearing make up or when I got married and my friend S and I went

makeup shopping and she did my make up for my wedding

and we had some fun doing practice runs and she was so kind,

she gave me a manicure and pedicure! 

And we had such amazing talks and times...

She held my train up when I was going up stairs for the wedding and 

it was such a special joyous time...

***

I am not sure what it means that Cleo is gone;

I still expect to see her at times or think I see her;

I miss her comforting presence; I miss holding her

like a baby and feeling her soft thick furry fur.

I miss her complaining and our conversations,

as it were, and having her met us at the door...

I don't cry every day about her loss now,

but I still have days where I really want to watch Perry Mason

and I still want chocolate or ice cream a bit more than before.

And I find happiness in preparing for my friend's wedding

and doing everything to look "my best" (in this world's standards,

other than the fact that I don't go for immodesty in dress! and my makeup is

"natural and delicate" to quote a kind friend) for

this wedding... esp as it is a more dressy event

and the only wedding I have been with a dress code,

I am looking forward to it

but at the same time am aware of the link to my grief about

Cleo as the wedding invite came after I was missing Cleo

and still in the first 2 weeks of grieving. 

***

So I am aware of this link and see it.

I guess I am just riding this wave and will, DV,

enjoy dressing up for the wedding and "playing" with the makeup.

***

The few times a month I go to my NYC library for work days

(as in working on my essays) I wear nice business-casual clothes

and makeup; it's like a nice day out. 

And I get work done (and lots of walking in!

Though yesterday was exceptional for this, I walked about 10K steps!)

***

I am really glad for my NYC library as it gives me a place to go,

a community to belong to (church is still first obviously) and

a place to work.

***

I know it is really helping me with the loss of Cleo too.

***

Well, that's what I can see for now;

loss is always different but has threads that are the same,

I find.  I am thankful for it all.