Feast of Mid-Pentecost 2018

Liturgy was so beautiful.

The sunlight on the small dome and Cross.

The light.  The expanse.  So beautiful. 

***

I had lunch with a friend, went to NYC after

on the PATH train and got some bins for linen closet.

***

I wish I could articulate though things that I feel inside more clearly;

the deep wish for some many I know who are struggling and in need of

deep physical/mental/spiritual rest. 

The suffering.

***

I saw a homeless woman today, sign said words about homeless because of

domestic violence. Her name is Andrea if I remember right (I asked).

It was so hot today.  So much suffering. 

***

I have a lot of nice things right now,

new bins and containers to organize things.

A nice little jewelry box too; 

And soon to VNA where I will probably find something nice,

as usual.

***

Inside though, I feel this surrounding sadness, seeing the suffering of others;

I can get tripped up sometimes by this and have to step back.

I am the type of person who is aware that if I buy clothes made in a non-affluent country,

the person making the clothes may be suffering; I feel guilty (why them, why not me)

and so I pray for them, I think of them, weary and struggling.

And I am thinking a lot about death,

about my +Aunt Karen, about the mystery of life, the mystery of death;

how our life is important to the Lord but is yet a vapor and we will be gone

soon like the flowers of the field and so we pray 

Memory Eternal, may God remember us when no one else on earth does.

How is it that one day I can be young and then in my 20s and now in my early 40s 

and someday, if God so grants, will be elderly and perhaps a widow,

since my Husband is over 10 years older than I and it is all a mystery

and then death, the door to the new life, eternal life that I want to spend forever 

with my Lord Christ and my family, all those I know, all those I love or struggle to love.

***

My Aunt Karen's death has thrown a lot off for me and I am still trying

to grapple with it all and come to a better understanding

and it's just going to take a lot of time...and I have to accept that...

and trust God with this...

I buy big candles for her to light for her as newly departed in church...

***

The store I bought the pretty outfit in the day after my Aunt's funeral

is closing and that feels like a big loss.

The restaurant in my hometown in MI where I would see my Aunt Karen, her husband my 

Uncle L, my parents, my Grandma and others, has been closed for 2 weeks

for a family emergency. It does seem that they are reopening.

I can't tell you how glad I am of this.  I felt like I was surrounded by loss of things

that were very familiar to me at home for many years...

***

And yet here I am and the unbloggable is tiring and there is not end for it yet.

We are doing the best we can and we thank God that this year,

so far, we have not been sick and that alone is a huge improvement...

yet somethings are still quite difficult...

***

And so in many things there is this sadness,

and trying to deal with it in the right way and knowing that I am not fully

dealing with it the right way but yet God forgives....

And I keep wanting to quilt, to sew, to make something,

maybe next week. It is pushed off and off.

I have barely been to quilt guild, have not sewn in months. 

I am behind on a lot of things, the travel I did,

the loss, the business of this season. 

I have something significant the next 3 weekends...

***

Well... that is that and I have to keep trusting God for His mercy.

***

I read this just now and it is spot on and very encouraging....