how can one write on silence?

Some thoughts that I wrote before

we became homeowners and are in the two weeks of busy 

{preparing our new place to move in and moving in!} ~ Enjoy!
*

I've been thinking for years now on a topic

that is seemingly impossible to write on:

silence.

Or, silence and what music I listen to now.

Or, how to be different than almost everyone and how

I don't want to silence conversation and freedom.

*

Well, here it is.

Years ago I think my Mom helped me drop off my luggage at the 

monastery in Michigan I go to,

when they still have all worship services in the chapel.

I had come towards the end of vespers

and I said goodbye to my Mom and Dad after

being properly ready, luggage in room, head covering on,

etc and so I entered the chapel just at the end of 

the vespers service,

when people were venerating the icons and leaving.

Adn I could hear it or sense it;

the silence.

*

The silence that comes from true or deep prayer.

*

Once, years later,

right in the middle of the really hard time I was having with 

bills, no job and health problems,

I was at a baptism at my church in Ottawa and
I had to step out to go downstairs; 

when I opened the door to come back,

I remember hearing that silence and realized

that deep prayer was going on and I had a pretty strong impression

of the prayerfulness of the new godfather as his

godson was being baptised.

*

That's really what I want,

what everyone wants in their soul;

that rest, that deep strong silence that is full of presence.

*

I know it comes from prayer, from deep prayer, from 

praying the Jesus Prayer,

from deep within.

*

Years ago a Bishop from overseas who was Romanian but serving in 

other country came to my church in Ottawa;

we all remember his gentleness and I asked his prayers 

through a dear Romanian friend and 

he told me that he would pray for my family

from deep in his heart,

and I knew where his gentleness and prayerful nature was.

*

So years before that I was confronted with a very painful time

in my life, a real grief that stunned me into a silence

that meant that I stopped listening to much of the popular music

I then listened to and I began listening to the 

then fairly new Ancient Faith Radio

and years later I briefly listened to some other music

but for the most part,

I now listen to Orthodox music, some classical and 

various Christmas music during the Nativity Season.

*

I wish I was what I am not yet because of this change.

*

I am so aware of being perhaps unusual in this

but I guess I wanted to write on why 

I see that this is part of my life now,

the change in my habits

of music/listening/silence.

*

But I also know that the silence I have heard a few times

I do not yet have myself.

Not at all.

*

But at least I know it is there, is real and 

that I can trust in God's mercy on me,

a straggler, one who struggles....