articulation comes slowly

You know sometimes it seems
I am flying blind
and it is hard to process
that I am leaving everything familiar.
*
At work there may of been another contract for me.
They speak to me about it as one
of whom it will not appy.
They are good to me there
and hired me knowing I was moving and marrying.
*
At church I am going to be leaving my spiritual father of
almost 7 years,
7 years almost to the very day
by the time of my DV wedding.
*
I am leaving my sister-friend and family.
*
I am leaving a city I never wanted to leave.
*
I am leaving my favourite tree.
*
I am leaving my favourite country
Canada
where I did so much growing up and
it fit me so well and I loved it here.
*
I am leaving the streets I know well
and the stores,
the street people I see daily/weekly.
*
I am leaving my bank, my downtown Ottawa,
my blue roomed apartment.
*
I am leaving an adult goddaughter who stopped going to church
and who I have not seen in almost two years.
I still miss her and pray for her everyday.
I had gotten a small prayer rope from
the Greek monastery for her
and she left before I could give it to her
and now I wear it in prayer for her.
Leaving her without knowing how she is
is incredibly hard.
*
I am leaving my young godson
who thankfully I know is well cared for
but still
I am leaving him and he will not have his youngest years
near to me like his older brothers had.
How can I leave my munchkins?
The middle one often says 'pizza?' when I come
as once or twice I had pizza ready to go in the oven
when I came to them for dinner.
*
I am leaving very close friends
who have married and had children here in Ottawa
since I met them 7 years ago.
*
I am leaving familiar streets and old Parliament buildings.
*
What does it mean to leave?
How does one transition?
How does one grieve?
When I left my first church in BC
I barley talked for three days.
*
What I am leaving for of course is
wonderful.
I can't begin to tell anyone how beautiful
I find my Orthoman
or how I love being with him.
How I can't imagine anyone else or anyone better.
Oh yes,
as one in my church has said about his wife
I know when I have been blessed.
*
But I guess I feel the need to name what
I am leaving so that I can leave.
*
A wonderful monastic Mother who I speak with on occasion
said that my leaving everything is exactly
what the Gospel speaks of.
*
And so I will be leaving almost everything
to marry and pray to continue
to work out my salvation.
*
Leaving.