Day 2 (without Cleo) Letting Go on the Feast of Holy Dormition

Early this morning, while hearing something from our neighbours,

that sounded like Cleo, 

I told our dear buried beloved cutest cat that she can go and rest now.

That it was OK to leave me.

Somehow that gave me a lot of peace....

***

We drove to our far-away church for liturgy.

I tended candles.

I nearly started crying remembering the candle stub of the blessed candle

I buried with Cleo, the one that was burning for her all day until 

we took her to the vet to say goodbye. 

Liturgy was beautiful.

So many children, that is a real joy. 

And beautiful flowers.

I am not running on full capacity yet and forgot the roses we had,

but that's OK.  

Various people spoke their sympathy to me and various lady-friends of mine

gave me a hug because of Cleo dying. 

My friend J. spoke of how I gave Cleo a very Christian burial.

How could I not since she was an Ortho-Cat her whole life since

kitten-hood? :)  

***

We went out to a local Asian restaurant and Mr Husband and I both got

their "bento boxes" again, the same meal we had on the Feast of Transfiguration,

when I had just begun to realize that Cleo was dying...

Cleo died on the very end of the Leave-taking of the Transfiguration....

***

I looked up some old blog posts and saw some super cute pictures of Cleo.

I want to pick one out to have printed on a canvas frame, a small one.

My friend sent me a surprise gift, the lovely carving of an angel holding a cat.

I cried. I had been wanting that carving so bad, I knew of it because

my cousin A. gave me one for my birthday last year but I did not have room

to take it with me because of it's need for the box (so that the metal wings are not bent).

So this is a real blessing to have it already now.

I opened it with Mr Husband and yes, I cried, again.

A long time friend of mine (since 1996) understands and said simply:

Yep. Love much = Grieve much. 

***

We went to vespers tonight at our local church...so beautiful...

***

Various friends texted me today, asking how I was doing...

the answer is, not as bad as yesterday (in terms of overwhelming pain)

 but tears and heart-grief at various points throughout the day... 

and Mr Husband emptied Cleo's food and water bowls today and put them

in the dishwasher, which is running right now, along with her paw print food tray...

I have been sad that I won't hear Cleo drop her dry food/kibble on the ground/the tray

before she eats it... Mr Husband (I took the pictures) put Cleo's litter box, garbage pail 

that we kept the "pooper scooper" in and the scoop itself in the trash.

There was really nothing else that could be done, in this case.

Emptying things.

The detritus of death. 

I threw away the unfinished Cleo wet cat food tins today.

And some habits we have had our whole marriage, 

like saving all smaller bags for Cleo litter bags are now superfluous. 

Stuff like that makes me feel a bit hollow inside.

***

I know this process of grief just takes time. 

I don't find it fun.

But grief never really is.

But it is better than not loving in my book.

***

Mr Husband and I hope to hang some pictures this weekend,

including the rose print... 

tomorrow DV I am going to liturgy at our local church,

then eating lunch with a friend and we hope going to Brighton Beach

after this, I've never been. 

I am on the hunt for the half-moon Russian cookies. 

And the 2 week Dormition Fast is over for us,

so tomorrow I can feast...

***

Friday I will be home but hope to see a friend (who I need to contact)

and hopefully go swimming too. 

I am trying to do things a bit more every day to get back into life...

I am slowly reading Mother Alexandra's book I Live Again 

which she wrote when she was still Princess Ileana... 

***

Various friends have texted/emailed/messaged

me via social media to see how I am doing...

that's meant a lot... 

I think the stages of grief that are the most confusing/non-straightforward for me

are both the denial that the loss in my life is really as hard as it is

and unexpected feeling of anger that I know is directly connected to my grief

and comes when I am not expecting it. 

***

Well, I better get to bed so I have the strength I need for tomorrow.

Thank you to everyone who has been leaving comments/emailing me/etc

each kind word is a great comfort to me. 

***

God is so merciful and I am grateful.