Here we are again. Wednesday midpoint of Great Lent 2022

I can't fully comment on this book yet but am very hopeful. 

I have had a great loss. I am OK. And I can't talk about it directly here. But I wake up at 3 AM and cry briefly. Or I get up early and 10 minutes later I am crying and my Husband gives me a hug. The beginning was the worst, that first facing of my unexpected loss.  Then I wept. The pain was so sharp so bitter so unexpected. I felt like I would rather die than feel the pain of it. 

But here's the thing. I love life. I love living more than ever. By which I mean I have learned a lot about letting myself feel grief so I am not stuck in it. It is painful. But not all the time painful. 

And it's not as deep as other griefs that I have had or that I may one day have. 

And I cry and then make myself tea. I read a bit more about math and my mind whirs into action. Or I read a bit on prayer and find myself pondering. 

We had Indian takeout for dinner. Or rather I did because my Husband needed a bland diet. Indian food is my comfort food. Especially during Great Lent. 

It tasted so good. 

My writing project is still so exciting to me. My internal life feels so alive. 

At the same time I have so much growth I hope for. 

But one can only truly grow slowly. You can't drink a swimming pool worth of water in one day.  If you tried to inhale that much water in one day you would die.

So even my writing project...it's going to take years.

But it's giving me life. It's helping me swim in different and difficult times. 

And so I am very grateful. And my days, even if I have some grief, are joyfilled. Are alive. Though I can get weary. 

May the Lord have mercy on us.