I called my Mom in the later afternoon for her birthday...
her sister my Aunt P called at 9 AM and everyone after that...
my Mom was so happy, she is the youngest of 8 children
and all but one had called her for her birthday, and I am sure
that the 7th one will have called her tonight...
it was so nice to hear my Mom so happy
and my siblings brought gifts and the food for her on Saturday
to celebrate... it's her 70th birthday...I was sorry not to be there in person,
but my Mom understands... we have dreams of family visiting later this summer
but it all depends on what the dread virus does...or the plague as my Husband calls it!
***
I am often very tired on Mondays and today was no exception...
we made it to our far-away church yesterday, first Sunday liturgy since
March 15! Three months! Feels like longer! Like 4 or more months!
***
I wanted to write about something hard, just to name it, as I know that
can help with the struggle...
I know a lot of us are really struggling right now.
I had thought things would be much better by now; I knew it would be 3 months
and YES things are "better" but they are not what I dreamed of,
like being able to be happy, to hug people, to go back to NYC,
to just resume life as it was.
Nope. That is not what happened.
This is not in anyway OVER.
At least not yet.
***
So the hardest parts of my day seem to be when I am waking up, from
either the night's sleep (which I have had a lot of awful sleeps)
or a nap... I just get this huge hard painful heavy depressed sad anxious feeling.
It's really hard. And it's hard to name; even the simple words
I have used seem inadquate to name the exact feeling of waking up,
still being exhausted and not wanting to wade thorugh all those feelings;
but all of that experience can take probably 30 seconds or a minute,
though it is hard to shake for a bit...
And even though I know others are in much more difficult
situations that I am in, I too am struggling.
The loneliness. I am realizing that it is worst on the days my Husband works
(his schedule has changed where he is working 4 days instead of 5,
so Wednesday "off" except that he has other things to catch up on, so it's not
a "free" day for him...) but the worst are the 4 working days for me.
He's working in the office, having 2-3 meetings online a day
and my days can be hard.
I can't go to NYC. I can't take light rail (Husband is afraid, understandable).
There's just a lot I can't do.
***
BUT I *am* DV going to vespers locally tomorrow AND I may see my
friend Photini and have dinner outside with her after vespers.
That's HUGE.
***
AND (!!!!) I am getting my hair cut DV next week Wednesday afternoon.
I have long thick curly hair and it's too heavy and I've had
headaches that the heavy hair is not helping.
***
A dear woman from Ottawa died recently... she prayed for us when
we had that difficult long unbloggable worry a couple years ago.
Her name is Svetlana, may her Memory be eternal!
She was a very special prayerful woman!
***
I miss Ottawa and my church there and my friends...
they are a big part of my concept of "home" still... forever
in my heart, there is no other way...
***
I am thinking again of how as we grow up we learn to Mother ourselves.
Like taking a walk even when it is going to mean a sponge bath and
change of clothes because it is hot sweaty weather.
Or ever afternoon making myself a tea of 3 saltine crackers with
peanut butter, 1 square of chocolate and a pot of tea
because I need the energy and re-hydration boost.
Or taking that needed nap or rest.
Or doing the dishes, laundry.
***
Life is always full of learning...
This picture I got on this FB page.
My Mom said it is very much like the home she grew up on...
My Mom said that the Placement of fridge, windows, even the wall boards
is very similar!
on Railroad Street... I think that home may be being torn down?... :(
The second I saw this picture I was in love.
So much comfort, cheer, love felt in this...
to realize that my Oma had a kitchen like this... no wonder I was
so attached to this photo... it was like my instant dream kitchen...
***
A longtime Internet friend asked what song reminds me of my Dad.
And I realized for me it is this song in particular.
I've heard it on his radio when driving with him; it just seems
to be 'his song' to me... it seems that it came out in 1969...
So I think my Dad would have been in high school then...or just graduating
from high school...
Anyway, here's the song!
To me it is a song that is calming, quiet,
reminding me of my Dad's truck, his barn, his pipe and his voice...
I really love my Dad...
He's always there, quiet and present in the quiet...
***
I pray that each of you is being comforted by God
in whatever struggles you are in.
May we know God's mercy and forgiveness
in this summer of uncertainty
and may we know His grace...
Sending your Mom many happy birthday wishes from the Valley!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are struggling right now. I understand. As Ontario slowly opens, our family is remaining basically in lockdown/sheltering mode. I go out for groceries (or the occasional take out since I can't get delivery), but that's it. This week we are going to get together with one of our best friends. But even so, Colin wants the play date to be outside in the fresh air. I'm glad you are able to get back to church. I'm not sure when I will feel safe doing that again. That and it's so hard to wear a mask with my asthma. Even the ER doctor agreed that it's bad for me.
I had to smile when I saw "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head". It's one of my favourite songs too. Being from '69 it would have been all over the radio during my childhood in the 70's. Also, in elementary schools in Ontario we did the "morning health hustle". We'd stand beside our desks and do some 'exercises'. One of the last songs was "Raindrops" :)
Feel better my friend. You're not alone. And it's ok, not to feel ok, even if we have it so much better than others. That doesn't make it less hard for us. I just try to remember to thank God that I don't have to make the decision to send Ella back to school, or whether it's safe for me to go back to work. I thank him that we get to stay home and be safe.
Lots of love and prayers
I love that picture of the warm and friendly kitchen.
ReplyDeleteI hope you Mother had a wonderful birthday.
And I'm sorry you couldn't go to be with her for her 70th. It would have been good for you to have a change of scene for a few days ( or longer). I think you are feeling sad and alone because you have to be alone so much. Thankfully you can go to church and even see Photini. I hope that will help at least somewhat.
Elizabeth, I sometimes struggle with that wake up anxiety you described. A dear monastic gave me this wonderful word. Quickly make the sign of the cross and start the Jesus Prayer, even silently. I refer to this as 'auto pilot' because it begins before I'm really alert. I mistrust where my anxious mind and thoughts go to when I'm in that place. Until I can 'get it together' this is like a comforting chaperone! And it works. It took me a while to remember to just do it. But the good news is, IT WORKS !!Personally, I continue to reach for this help many, many times a day with times the way they are. I'm over the moon in love with that picture. It's like a huge 1960's smile! Thanks. God bless you dear. Many, many years to your mom. God is with us Elizabeth. He'll see us through this.
ReplyDeleteI love that sort of little vintage kitchen. I think it reminds a lot of us of our grandmother's kitchen. :)
ReplyDeleteI hope you'll get out more and more. When I wake up feeling as you described it helps me to just get up and move around. Get my day started. And try to spend lots of time talking to God. I also read Matthew 6 (the whole chapter) a lot!
God bless you both!
Elizabeth would it be possible for me to email you with a question? I have searched this site and do not see one anywhere. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteMary's comment makes me think to tell you: After my husband died I started sleeping with my prayer rope under my pillow so I could have it handy when I wanted to pray the Jesus Prayer in the middle of the night.
ReplyDeleteBut in the last few months of heaviness of spirit I needed it even more as a reminder, so I often wrap it around my hand so that I immediately remember to pray first thing, the night through, no matter how long I am awake. And now I even use it while praying some Psalms or other prayers that I know, to help my mind not to wander to non-productive thoughts. It always takes me a long time to fully wake up in the morning and as you say, that is a time when despondency can fall on you. May the Lord teach you through all of these experiences and give you some joy every day.
I admire your ability to mother yourself. One Christian man I know said he feels "off-balance," and that image makes me think about how when we are feeling that our balance isn't good, we have to go slow, and not make sudden movements. Keep on keeping on! God bless you, Elizabeth.
Thanks everyone your comments are SUCH a blessing to me!!!
ReplyDeleteMary, you can email me here: roosjeblog AT yahoo dot CA
God bless you all, I have read and reread your comments and they are all helpful blessings to me!
Hi Elizabeth, I got a reply to my attempted email to you that it couldn't be delivered to roosjeblog@yahoo.com so I will ask you here. I'm seeing a tiny trash can icon appearing after I post a comment and in the past it wasn't there. Is there something I'm doing wrong?
ReplyDeleteMary: I used to live in Canada and that email address is from that time. So the ending is NOT Dot COM but DOT CA ... CA is for Canada :) I get emails daily from it so with the .ca it should work!
ReplyDeleteThank you for being honest about your struggles in this post, it is helpful to learn it is not just me struggling with this time of isolation. I am a widow and live alone, and really have little to complain about. My sons visit me often, I attend church online, a friend or two visit and we chat on my front patio. But still, there is an underlying sadness and worry. Bless your heart, you have some things to look forward to that you share in your post. Even a haircut!
ReplyDeleteI think sharing our struggles can be helpful - I know it makes me feel not so odd or alone in feeling as I do. Even if the particular struggles are different, it's good to know that this time is simply not normal, and negative experiences in it are normal. Terra (above) mentioning an underlying sadness I think hits it on the nail for me.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing the pictures of flowers, Elizabeth. They are beautiful and some so happy looking!