Soon to say goodbye to my dearest beloved Cleo Cat, Cutest Cat of Canada and North America

This morning I woke first at 5 AM, saw that 

Cleo had missed the litter box and used the pee pad under it.

She was in the laundry room, I told her that was OK and that I loved her.

I woke again, about 8 AM.  I already knew I was staying local today

for church.... my Husband told me Cleo has thrown up again, much bigger,

4x as much, as yesterday afternoon.

I knew then that she could not really keep food down,

as Mr Husband said what I also thought of the the first incident, smaller,

was that it was very much the smell of wet cat food and not fully

digested....  And I held her, I could tell she had lost more weight in less than 10 hours.

Sure enough, she lost at least .2lbs... so thin.... I held her, 

Mr Husband took pictures of my holding her, these pictures are so dear to me...

I did not know how long she had left.

I put the Ellwood City Monastery liturgy on in the hallway so Cleo could hear

them sing and the hear the priest speak and when I returned from church, as 

fast as I was able to, the nuns were just finishing Communion and I found

Cleo sitting and eating some wet cat food.

That's the last cat food she's really eaten.

Since then she has had liquids, her beloved french vanilla ice cream

and some water. 

I think she was comforted by the liturgy, as I was hoping.

This was what she heard while I was gone... it was already going on when

I left it there for her to listen to...

My Husband left for our far-away church, he had people he needed to see...

before he did he pet Cleo while she was drinking some water and 

commented on how thin, bony she was now... 

My Husband and I talked before he left about saying goodbye to her

tomorrow at the vet if she did not die first...

not being able to keep food down is a new thing and means that she is 

really shutting down ... I know it is time... even her fur is starting to mat 

on her back hunches... 

I can't believe I will be losing her soon.

***

My dear friend who gave me Cleo video chatted with me so she

could say goodbye to Cleo and see her one last time.

We talked about when she visited me in Ottawa and stayed with us,

and about the memories we have of Cleo... and we figured out that 

I actually got Cleo when she was 4 so she is actually at least 17 years old!

***

My Husband and I ate Chinese leftovers and Indian takeout for dinner

and then had popcorn and watched the Walton's, with Cleo nearby to us....

***

I talked with my Mom later on... I called and talked to my Dad this morning...

before I went to liturgy... he was a huge help... the vet was not open today,

I was worried about Cleo... he told me to just try to keep her having some 

liquid, just a little bit, through out the day to keep her doing OK 

and to call the vet in the morning...

***

I have taken so many videos and pictures today.

I have one of her in my arms and I am talking to her and she is purring...

she is like a flattened out version of herself now...

I am careful when I pick her up to not pick her up with her spine

being touched but to pick her up like she was a pancake and hold her

on her side as it were, with her legs sideways 

(or said another way, her 4 legs laying horizontal in my arms, legs over my arms

instead of under my arms).... usually I hold her like a baby but I am 

trying to be super careful so she is as comfortable as possible.... since her spine bone

does not really have any padding now to speak of... my poor little sweetie

Cleo Cat....

***

She is in her carrier as I type and is quiet and all is peaceful... 

I still can't believe I am losing her...

***

My Husband and I prayed the prayers to Christ...

by St Nikolai Velimirovich, in particular the "Akathist To Jesus Conqueror of Death",

which is one of the most amazing and deeply beautiful translation of more

recent spiritual poetry/prayers than I have read....

***

When I was at church (and afterwards) I just kept praying to God

and sensing my trust in Him and in God's goodness, deep loving-kindness and mercy

to all of His creation... and that He would take good care of Cleo...

that I can trust God completely for everything in life and in death... 

***

I am going to miss my Cleo Cat so so much...

one of my friends texted and I told her I have cried very day since last 

Wednesday when I saw the vet and he said that Cleo is dying... 

***

But it is a sorrow with hope, or with the promise of God's comfort to all

who mourn, myself included;

that God loves Cleo, that God loves me; 

God knows what is happening to each of His creatures and He loves 

all that He created...

Matthew 10:29 New King James Version (NKJV)

29 Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will.

Matthew 6:26 New King James Version (NKJV)

26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?

And I have thought often of these words of God to Job... 

(the following is the end of Job (NIV) chapter 38 and the beginning 8 verses of chapter 39

italics mine.

39 “Do you hunt the prey for the lioness

    and satisfy the hunger of the lions

40 when they crouch in their dens

    or lie in wait in a thicket?

41 Who provides food for the raven

    when its young cry out to God

    and wander about for lack of food?

“Do you know when the mountain goats give birth?

    Do you watch when the doe bears her fawn?

2 Do you count the months till they bear?

    Do you know the time they give birth?

3 They crouch down and bring forth their young;

    their labor pains are ended.

4 Their young thrive and grow strong in the wilds;

    they leave and do not return.

5 “Who let the wild donkey go free?

    Who untied its ropes?

6 I gave it the wasteland as its home,

    the salt flats as its habitat.

7 It laughs at the commotion in the town;

    it does not hear a driver’s shout.

8 It ranges the hills for its pasture

    and searches for any green thing.

****

I have always loved these descriptions and about,

earlier in chapter 38, about God walking at the bottom of the sea...

It is, to me, a great comfort that God sees everything, is everywhere

and that He loves, IS love .... 

of course His love is as fire, a purifying fire, that one must want... 

but if one understands what God desires us to have and that becoming 

more holy is that which brings peace, true peace, we would all welcome 

God's love, His all consuming love, and His purifying fires in our life... 

***

of course, I must be honest and I am not always meditating on these high,

beautiful and good things.

I can't always take that Cleo is dying.

I do prayers, eat, go to church, do what needs doing

(including laundry yet tonight)

but I am still watching old 1958 era Perry Mason. 

I have been thinking about how children process grief and that they can only do

a little at a time and have to play in between these times.

I guess I am still a child in many ways, or human in my limitations...

but it's been a blessing, all of it

and I am so thankful for Cleo.

***

I can't imagine life without Cleo.

 So for tonight, we are going to have one more night 

and like we used to sleep with me in bed and Cleo on my green desk

chair right next to my bed, so tonight

she is just 2 feet from the couch where I am going to sleep so I am 

nearby and will continue to trust God with all who I love,

human and animal alike...