Day 4 (without Cleo): Swimming, blue skies, homemaking and quiet

These first days without Cleo are full of doing things for the last time.

Cleo's bowls are washed.

I put the rest of the food that was in the glass jar 

(the food and water dishes, the matching set + the jar for food 

were from Cleo's first owner/carer... I am going to put some special

Cleo things in the jar...and save the bowls as well... 

The roses we got for Cleo (3 went with her burial, we were going to get

the rest blessed on Dormition but I forgot to bring them to church.)

Cleo's food area is empty other than the very last of the dry cat food

that she spilled off of the tray...

We may set up the new buffet this weekend, we shall see.

I went swimming, last normal swim of the summer

(weekend + holiday are different hours).

I did 8 laps (I think, I lose count sometimes).

It was a really nice swim...

I was very glad for this black decaf tea (I find I need 2 tea bags full for

one teapot) and vegan chocolate and vegan Russian cookies...

Mr Husband brought home some beautiful flowers.

***

I wrote this Thanksgiving list earlier today:

Thanksgiving list. 

1. That I understand more about grief, that one needs to deal with it "head on" as much as one can. When one feels sad, go through the feeling, tears, etc. Then, in time, one will feel OK again. This will happen numerous times, just go through with it. 

2. That I had my Cleo Cat for 13 years. 

3. I talked with my Grandma and Mom on the phone.

4. I went swimming. 

5. Pots of tea, vegan chocolate and cookies. 

6. God's mercy

7. The hope we have in Christ

***

I got 2 sympathy cards on the loss of Cleo today

(both from friends in the States) and that was really meaningful.

***

I watched Perry Mason (again, I think this is going to be a theme for a while).

It's going to take me a bit to get the wind back in my sails.

I have more to do but I find that I really have to pace myself.

I did get a lot of laundry done (washed, dried, folded).

I did almost all of the dishes.

I ordered a teapot after discussing it with Mr Husband

(we make all choices like this together, which is just as I like it).

I can't wait to show it to you.

It matches one of my special sets!

Will tell you more DV when it comes so it's a bit of a surprise :)

I am really happy (other than the pool closing) that it is labour day weekend.

A long weekend with my Sweetie Husband... 

Soon I will be planning our Slava in earnest (it's in a week Sunday!)

and I am really thankful for that.

I am also really thankful I have my library in NYC.

That is helping me a lot so that I am not always home...and

not only does it get me out of the house, but I get some good walking in too.

***

I really liked this:

And this one too:

I had a good talk with Mr Husband about grief

and how it is something to go through and that one must not

be afraid of the feeling of sadness.

I am thinking a lot about grief.

One of the things i have believed for years is that one really needs 

to respect that people grieve differently and that some cry, some don't at all

and everyone processes it differently. 

I cry, think about it (often in form of what I would write about it

either in blog or essay form), look at pictures, take pictures of everything

and pray according to what I am able.

When the pain was/is really bad, I am just a puddle of tears and can't pray much at all.

More like "Daddy" "Help" "Be with Cleo" "I miss Cleo" "Help me"

and that is OK. 

It's OK that I have cried during evening prayers the first nights and asked

God repeatedly to take care of Cleo. 

***

I also had to accept/come to terms with the severity of the loss.

I have not been in such deep pain since Aunt Elaine died in 1998.

I think because it is so intense (at times, right now I am feeling peaceful and 

listening to Bach to drown out drum-music from neighbours) I have

confessed here to feeling like others will not understand

(which of course is true, some won't understand) and that I can struggle with a 

type of denial, like it is such a deep wound/loss that I can't always admit it to myself.

But here's the key:

with grief whatever is at that moment is ok.

The main thing, I think, or as I see it at present, is to not get 

"stuck" in one level of grief (denial or anger or deep sadness) but to see them, 

feel them and move through it to whatever is after the feeling.

It's tricky because the moving through the feeling does not mean denying it -- 

or stopping it.  

I cried today (at home is safest I find to do so) and cried until I was done crying.

Not prolonged but not forced to stop. 

It took me a long time to get to this point.

I used to be afraid of my feelings, esp sadness.

I just did not know what to do with it.

Now I don't run from it. I accept it. 

And I accept that I can feel confused/mixed up/like I am failing.

***

I love the book by Cynthia Voigt titled Homecoming.

In this book is a long journey of 3 siblings alone, homeless,

and the brother wakes up, when they are wandering exhausted, he opens his eyes

registers their situation and says something like

it's still the same.

***

That's where I am right now.

Sometimes I am sad and crying, other times

I am just aware of the difference.  Of the loss. Of Cleo not being here.

Like one can smell something new in the air,

or feel that something is still off and can't be fixed.

Still the same.

***

I am SO GLAD I am where I am in life when I lost Cleo.

I see so many blessings amidst the sorrow.

***

There is a lot of sorrow and suffering.

May Christ be our light, our comfort, our sure hope in times

of sadness, sorrow and distress.