On the Third Day of Christmas...

I have been having such

a beautiful and wonderful

Christmas.

*

It is funny how all of a sudden another part

of one's life comes crashing through;

as I am gearing up to leave for Ottawa for 

Theophany I have been hit with

homesickness for Ottawa

like I have not had in a while;

I guess all the wonderful times I've had have filled me 

so well that the continual process of adjustment to my new life

was running in the background and I was busy 

baking and listening to books and knitting...

*

So I thought I would write a now a bit of what I have realized

leaving Ottawa and building a new life here with my beloved

Mr. Husband is like for me.

*

It's like learning a new language in a new country.

Last year Christmas felt incomplete or off-key or missing in some way.

I was not able to have the Holy Supper, 

which is so much part of my understanding and experience of 

Christmas Eve and Christmas.

I had been unwell and not able to do St. Nicholas baking.

I was adjusting to a lot of new parish customs, colours and music.

This year God blessed me with the strength to do the baking 

for St. Nicholas Day and a small amount for Christmas.

I was able to decorate the house,

make lots of chai tea and prepare small gifts for many.

I was able to do the Holy Supper.

*

So it is like now the language is becoming clearer,

things are more familiar,

traditions are being built, 

I am slowly building some real and beautiful friendships.

*

But I am missing some things too.

I don't have anyone here to reminisce with for many 

of my years in Ottawa.

The Grandfather of my Ottawa parish continues to decline.

I can't get to Ottawa much at all and only hope that one day

when the Lord takes him that I am able to go to his funeral.

Another older man who I cared much about and had

a real friendship with, that was built

in snatches of conversation over seven years

has not been at church in months 

from what I've been told and he moved,

I don't know where he is; 

I worry about him.

*

I can't walk to my sister-friend's house or have tea with

other bookish friends I know in Ottawa.

I still don't know my way around here

(having mono did not help)

like I do Ottawa.

Thankfully this part  {knowing my way around} is getting better,

it takes time though.

*

I have been blessed with a good new father-confessor.

But he cannot replace my Ottawa spiritual father

who I miss deeply and am still in grief about missing;

this is one of the hardest things and I knew it would be.

Thankfully many of his sermons are online and 

I listen to his fatherly voice and am sustained.

My new father confessor cannot know the many things I 

went through, the many struggles and the few victories I have had

in my years of going to confession and church in Ottawa.

Knowledge like this is simply not transferable.

It honestly would be like trying to pretend a new father 

can know one like the first father did.

I have a good new confessor as I said,

but one cannot say that there is not a loss here,

though I can freely say that I don't know what I would do if I did not

have my new father-confessor.

I have not been left utterly abandoned in anyway

but in some real ways I have been orphaned,

at least for a time.

*

And yet I have such a full new life.

Mr. Husband and I pray daily for our marriage to be

nourished and protected.

I feel it flourishing.

My husband really is my best friend. 

We serve the church together

(I am slowly doing church bookstore and library stuff, too slowly

for me but I have to be patient even with myself);

we have a beautiful home together;

we are establishing family traditions and routines.

*

My friendships here are deepening also 

and I am grateful.

*

So it is that I am so blessed during this time

of continued adjustments and building a new life here,

so richly blessed.

*

Sometimes just realizing that one is not just 'done' grieving

in one day or even one year,

really helps.

*

I could tell that yesterday I had a little bit of franticness

that was trying to not face the grief that suddenly had

come through all the beauty and Christmas joy that I am living in.

So I had some tears and I also have been really tired

from all the travel and busyness.

So this morning I did a bit of self-nurturing.

I've learned over the years that being an adult can 

include some mothering of one's self at times.

*

I had one of my rare focused / intensive 40 minutes or so of self-care.

Simply I ran a hot bath

brewed a pot of hot chai tea,

poured myself a big cup of the said tea,

gave myself a small ramekin with a few

choice Christmas treats,

some chocolate and some candied ginger.

And I lit all my bath candles and used my 

best soaps.

I struggle sometimes in letting myself just relax

and accept things like that I have a beautiful tiled bath area;

it came with the place we are renting.

*

It was a bit of a huge turn for me;

the last bathtub in my old place was so bad that

it had to be re-whitened, the tiles on the floor were missing or broken.

*

So suddenly having such a {posh} bathroom in our rented home

was a blessing but also a real adjustment;

sometimes I find it hard just to accept nice things...

That I can use the cranberry body shop bath

things that I got on a super-good sale in December.

That I can have a focused rest time for rejuvenation. 

*

I knew if I took 40 minutes out of my day

I would feel more stable and relaxed,

able to do the few things I have chosen to do today.

*

Few because I realized that I was really

tired from the holidays and must

at all costs conserve energy

so I don't get sick in or after Ottawa;

last year's 6 months of having mono is not something

I wish to repeat.

*

So today I hope to wash a few dishes,

do some paperwork,

maybe make a simple yummy chicken dish.

*

A dear friend is dropping by soon,

I have our dutch oven simmering slowly

with butternut squash soup with cream

and chicken broth

that I had waiting in the freezer for us

for Christmas time.

*

I am exciting to slowly read these books 

that were part of Mr. Husband's gifts... 

He is just as excited as I am for these.

We agreed that it is a wonder that we did not accidentally

buy the same books for each other! 

I am loving my Christmas buffet.

I had to remind myself that a little

TLC for myself will go along way and I am feeling 

much more peaceful and relaxed already.

*

Life is always a series of leavings and comings.

Sometimes I have to remember that there are times to just step

back, take stock of things, do some TLC so that one

can keep going.

*

The key is that balance between self-giving and time for 

recuperation and rest.

*

And for this, 

on this third day of Christmas,

I am most grateful.