Thoughts about transition

 

I am going to miss photographing these
blue walls.
It is still about 4 months or so before
I move my belongings down
South, with Cleo.
*
My camera is slowly dying.
The on/off switch is somehow pushed down a bit
and it is harder to turn it on.
And when I go to look at pictures
on my camera
this feature often turns itself off
after looking at about 4 pictures.
I got my first good camera in 2000.
A non-digital Canon Rebel G.
I still have it
though I have not used it in some years now.
The camera I have had since
the morning before the afternoon
that I broke my foot
a few years ago
is a Sony Cybershot 10.1 mega pixels.
It is the one I use for the pictures on my blog.
I love it.
I hope to get a replacement for the one
that is dying;
it seems that the price for these is fairly reasonable
for what it offers.
But I admit that I would love a new
Canon Camera, digital, with a manual zoom
and focus option and
lots of mega pixels and lots of pictures taken quickly;
my Sony Camera is great but
I have to wait for it to process the picture I take
instead of going
click, click, click....
anyway; a frivolous thing really
and certainly a first world person wish,
for a new camera.
I love capturing beauty, as do so many;
there are so many photographers now days,
but this does not stop me from
wanting to take pictures also.
*
Read this post today:
when I was a child I read books
and also SAHM
Both by Janet at Across the Page
both made me ponder...
what will my life be like in the future?
I had a lot of dreams when I was younger
and to be honest I gave most of them up
and became a librarian.
I love being a librarian... but at the same time...
I get so discouraged by seeing libraries
under fire so much;
I love the Internet and I use it non-stop for my work
in libraries and for research.
But the Internet does not replace libraries or librarians
but it does make a lot of people think that they
do not need either.
But you cannot replace a library
as a place of study, a place of gathering of like-minds,
a place to find out about the world, the past, the present...
nor can librarians be replaced;
even online many people do not know how to best
search for things on
paid and not paid databases.
I could go on and on.
I love libraries.
*
But I also love words, writing, research and ideas.
*
I wanted to be a writer since at least age 19;
Orthoman and I talk about some of these things
and how society seems to be based in part
on unaccomplishable goals
as if everyone could get the perfect
English Lit teaching job
or something else in the humanities.
This world is so disappointing to many of us
who are very committed to the humanities
(just to be clear Orthoman is also as
he loves learning and reading)
...I love science, math (though I see math very differently than
a typical math/science student)... but
they are so emphasized today
at the expense of humanities, including
language study
and this is to our society's peril and loss.
*
Anyway, I find myself at a cross roads
in so much of my thinking.
If I could do anything
what would I do
and what should I do
and what can I do
are all questions I have.
Part of growing up I guess is realizing that
one has limited time
and one has to choose a way that is best
and also, not to mention,
will not hinder their spiritual life.
*
Questions like
would wanting to be a writer
or a teacher
or artist of some sort
be the best thing I can be
and what is self-love in disguise,
self-interest and selfish
and what can really give life to others
and be that which may help me
have a spiritual life.
*
I think of Elizabeth Goudge.
Kathleen Norris.
I always wanted to give to others like they did.
That is one of the reasons I blog
in hopes that I can give to others.
To pass on the beauty, the hope,
the reasons for living
that I have been given.
*
So I am pondering many things
as I am throwing my whole self
into the unexpected life and transition
that I am in
as I prepare to marry
Orthoman
in one of the most beautiful, hopeful, hoped for
hard, unexpected, constantly unfolding
changing and going at full tilt
things I have done
since becoming Orthodox
and moving 4 times in 2 years.
*
Without writing about it here
and other places
I don't know how I would even keep up.
Meanwhile,
it is Lent.
I worked late.
I need to at least read the story of
St. Mary today
that so many are in church hearing.
May God show us all
what is required of us
and may He save us,
as the prayer goes,
whether we will it or not.