fighting for thanksgiving

This has been a very tough week emotionally.

And I know that having too much time on my hands

and being alone a lot

is really hard on me.

Those of you who have children or a busy job

may think I am lucky

to have such quiet

and I guess I am in ways.

But right now I can't see it.

If you are working or have a family

you have people to talk to.

A reason to wake up in the morning.

Thank God I wake up to His mercies

new every morning.

Frankly my struggle is to stay up.

To not take short naps

that I do not need.

That is what I am fighting right now.

Emotional weariness.

Black thoughts.

I must FIGHT despair.

I am taking measures

that will help me.

Called my naturopath (she sees me at no cost currently)

so I can get advice.

Called a friend.

Got my list out of places I need to contact

to see if they can use my research services.

Need to contact job agencies.

I know that the only

happy ever after is heaven

and we must fight to be Christians

but thank God that God wants to save us

more than we want to be saved.

The prayer

Lord save me whether I will it or not

is key to our lives.

Education is not a sure-fire ticket to getting work.

I have a Masters degree.

I have worked in places that, in the world's eyes,

are prestigious.

But it does not equal a job.

All I know is that I asked God to save in

whatever means it took.

If this is what it takes for me

and God does and allows everything for our good

to save us

then I have to continue to learn to welcome the

uncertainty

the my money will run out by summers end

what do I do?

My word for the year is

thankfulness.

Thankfulness can save you

it can turn a bitter or despairing soul into

one of peace,

one capable of obtaining eternal joy

(as Fr. Alexander Schmemann has said)

Last November the week I called my

Thanksgiving week

(it was US thanksgiving that week)

I got the tax bill, a huge rash on my face

that I was told could be a

symptom of a life-altering or life-threatening disease.

(as far as I know it was not btw).

So thanksgiving may not keep

life's challenges at bay.

But:

without thanksgiving for ALL things

where would we be?

So I and all of us have to keep fighting

to look to Christ

to trust God in all the details of our lives

to be thankful

to give glory to God all the days of our life.

That is the true measure of our life, our days:

are we giving glory to God or to ourselves?

May the Lord help us to turn in every way

to Him.