Reflections on one's Quest

Just read this post by Fr. Michael

where he speaks of women

my age about

who are in different places - one married with children

one wanting to be married with children

both feeling unfulfilled and like they really are not doing what

they are fully called to do.

*

I know first hand the pain for the second

unmarried, loves kids, no suitable husband to be found

and I have girlfriends who are also in this situation.

This is a mystery I cannot solve,

why some seem to easily find a spouse

and some who may never do so.

But I also know, which is what Fr. Michael was getting at,

the confusion and pain of feeling like one's

goals and dreams were not met or

did not or will not happen.

*

I honestly don't know, at this juncture, if I will get a library job

or not.

Or if I will find work that I really dreamed of doing.

But I am wondering about this and if in the long run if it matters.

Now dreams I think do matter,

I think they speak of what we value and what we find beautiful.

Believe me, I still have my dreams.

BUT.

I have been wondering if we in North America, and affluent parts of Europe,

are just really spoiled and think whatever would most fulfill is

is our right to have and to pursue.

How is the right to have or pursue what fulfills us Christian?

Did Jesus come to earth to find personal fulfillment?

Did Christ come to save us merely because it would make Him

fulfilled? Somehow pridefully satisfied at His accomplishment?

NO.

He came in utter poverty.

He emptied Himself of His Glory so that we could see Him

and not be blinded by the brilliance of Him as He really is

and is show in the Brilliant Light of the Transfiguration.

Christ came in utter humility,

teaching us that as we see Him, so we see the Father.

The Holy Trinity being God

lives in perfect love and communion with each other.

They are not self-seeking but love;

God is fully full in Himself

and utterly loving towards us,

humble.

*

How badly we have gotten it wrong,

to think that the measure stick of our lives should be

what fulfills us.

How damaging, how lamentable, how lost.

*

Somehow the meaning of our life will never be found in,

as Fr. Michael discusses,

in 'bagging experiences' and a list of what we want to do and experience

before we die.

*

Our life is to be Christ's.

The Church, as is the Orthodox understanding,

is our spiritual hospital,

for our healing, for our salvation.

The fasts are for our healing, medicine for us;

as is Confession, and the other sacraments.

*

Now I am not sure what this means on practical terms for me,

other than it is better to give my dreams to Christ

and even let them die

than to lose Christ.

Fr. Michael speaks of

being transformed into Christ who the Church Fathers

point to as the Good Samaritan.

To love others.

For the one married with children to me it seems more clear -

the children you have are your neighbour,

are the first one's your minister to.

How much you can do outside of this is up to God.

How we singles who need to be self-supporting and the

unique challenge we have,

it is not always as clear, how to have one's selfishness

rubbed off of ourselves;

but with Christ all is possible.

*

Somehow, regardless of our dreams,

which may or may not be fulfilled,

the point within them must be turned to Christ

and must be for our salvation

and other's salvation

and not for the self-fulfillment

that the world has confused with salvation.

Lord help us.